Reginald Hill: A clubbable woman

'He's all right. You'll live for ever, won't you, Connie?' said Marcus Felstead. His head was being pumped up and down by an unknown hand. As he surfaced, his gaze took in an extensive area of mud stretching away to the incredibly distant posts. Then his forehead was brought down almost to his knees. Up again. Fred Slater he saw was resting his sixteen stones, something he did at every opportunity. Down. His knees. The mud. One stocking was down. His tie-up hung loose round his ankle. It was always difficult preserving a balance between support and strangulation of the veins. But it was worth it. Once the mud hardened among the long black hairs, it was the devil's own job to get it off. Up again. He resisted the next downward stroke. 'Why do you do that, anyway?' asked Marcus interestedly. 'I don't know,' said a Welsh voice. 'It's what they always do, isn't it? It seems to bloody well work.'

'You all right then, Connie?'

Connon slowly got up with assistance from the Welshman whom he now recognized as Arthur Evans, his captain.

'I think so,' he said. 'What happened?'

'It was that big bald bastard in their second row,' said Arthur. 'Never you mind. I'll fix him.' There was a deprecating little cough from the referee who was lurking behind Connon.

'I think we must restart.'

Connon shook his head. There was a dull ache above his left ear. Marcus was rather blurred.

'I think I'd better have a few minutes off, Arthur.'

'You do that, boyo. Here, Marcus, you give him a hand while I sort this lot out. Not that it matters much when you only get twelve of the sods turning up in the first place.'

Marcus slipped Connon's arm over his shoulder.

'Come along, my boy. We'll deposit you in the bath before the rest of this filthy lot get in.' They slowly made their way to the wooden hut which served as a pavilion. 'Get yourself in that bath and mind you don't drown,' said Marcus. I'll get back and avenge you. It must be nearly time anyway.' Left to himself, Connon began to unlace his boots. The ache suddenly began to turn like a cogwheel meshing with his flesh. He bowed his head between his knees again and it faded away. He stood up, fumbled in his jacket pocket and took out a packet of cigarettes. The smoke seemed to help and he took off his other boot. But he couldn't face the bath, he decided. He wasn't very dirty and he hadn't moved fast enough to work up a sweat. He washed the mud off his hands and bathed his face. Then, after toweling himself down, he got dressed.

The others trooped in as he was fastening his tie.

'You all right, Connie?' asked Marcus again.

'Yes, thank you.'

'Good-oh!' said Marcus. 'Let's get into that water before Fred gets in.' He began to tear his rugby kit off. Within seconds the bath was full of naked men and the water was sloshing over the side. There was a general outcry as Fred Slater settled in. Connon looked at the scene with slight distaste.

'Goodbye, Marcus,' he said, but his voice was drowned in a burst of singing. He made his way to the door and out into the fresh air. He picked his way slowly over the muddy grass towards the distant club-house. The hut the fourth team used had originally been all the accommodation the club possessed, but the present of an adjoining field and a large loan from the Rugby Union had enabled them at the same time to develop another two pitches and build the pavilion. But even here the showers could not really cope with more than two teams, so the Fourth soldiered on in the old hut. Connon thought ruefully that he had rather missed out on the development. The season the club-house was opened had been the season he retired. All those years in the first team had been centred on the old hut. Now when he was stupid enough to let himself be talked into playing, it was back to the old hut again. He pushed open the glass-panelled door and stepped into the social room. Tea and sandwiches were being served. 'Hello, Connie,' called Hurst, the club captain. 'Been over at the Fourths? How did they get on?' Connon realized he did not know. He could not even recollect the score when he had left the field. 'I don't know how it ended,' he said. 'I got a knock and came off early.'

Hurst looked at him in surprise.

'You haven't been playing, have you? Good lord. You'd better have a seat.'

Connon helped himself to a cup of tea.

'I'm only thirty-nine,' he said. 'You're nearly thirty yourself, Peter.' Hurst smiled. He knew, and he knew that Connon knew this was his last season as captain. They won't get me out there, Connie. When I finish, I finish.' 'Sandwich, Connie?' asked one of the girl helpers. Connon recognized her as the girl-friend of the second team full-back. He shook his head, remembering when Mary had used to come down on Saturday afternoon. The catering like everything else had been more primitive then. Once they became wives they stopped coming. Then they tried to stop you coming. Then they even stopped that. 'I won't do it again in a hurry,' he said to Hurst. 'How did you get on?' But Hurst had turned away to talk to some members of the visiting team. The ache was turning again in Connon's head and he put his cup down and went across the room to the door which led into the bar. This was empty except for the club treasurer behind the bar sorting out some bottles. 'Hello, Connie,' he said. 'You're early. You know we don't serve till tea's done and the girls have got cleared up.' That's all right, Sid. I just feel like a quiet sit down. It's rather noisy in there.' He sank into a chair and massaged the side of his head. The treasurer carried on with his work a few moments, then said, 'Are you feeling all right, Connie?'

Tine.'

He lit another cigarette. 'Make an exception and pass me a scotch, will you, Sid?' 'Well, all right. Medicinal purposes only. Don't let those drunkards smell it.'

He poured a scotch and handed it over.

'Two shillings and sixpence.'

'Isn't my credit good?'

'Your credit's bloody marvelous. It's my accounts which are bloody awful. Two and six.' Connon dug into his pocket and produced the money. He sat down again and sipped his whisky. It didn't help.

The door opened and Marcus stuck his head in.

There you are, then. I saw your car outside so I knew you must be hiding somewhere. How are you feeling?'

'Not so bad.'

'Good-oh. I see you've got a drink. Hey, Sid!'

'No.'

'Right, I'll have to share yours, Connie.' He sat down beside Connon. Connon pushed the drink towards him.

'Have it.'

'Here. Watch it or I'll take offence.' Connon smiled. Marcus Felstead was short, bald, and fat. His face was not really the face of a fat man, Connie thought, but of a tired saint. He could not recall the name of the tired saint he had in mind but he remembered very clearly the picture in his illustrated Bible which was the source of the idea. The saint, his sanctity advertised by a dome of light which sat round his head like a space helmet, had been leaning on a staff and looking despondently into the distance which seemed to offer nothing but desert. Perhaps the thing about Marcus's face was that the fleshiness of it formed a framework round rather than belonged to the thin nose and lips and narrow intelligent eyes which peered at him now curiously. 'Are you sure you're OK, Connie? You're not usually knocking the booze back so early.' 'Well, I did feel a bit groggy. But it's gone now. How did we get on by the way?' 'What do you think? Two men short with one of their reserves playing at full-back. Can you imagine? A reserve for a fourth team. Jesus, he made me feel young. They scored another couple after you'd gone. Thirty-two three it was at the end.' Connon was surprised. He could not recall any scoring at all, certainly not the kind of regular scores needed to build up a total like that.