Reginald Hill: Pictures of Perfection

Harry paused in mid-punch, nodded his acknowledgement of the superior wisdom of age and experience, and ripped aside the balaclava to reveal the slack, pallid face of Guy Guillemard.

The young redhead got in one more telling blow before Franny seized his arm and cried, ‘Enough!’

Bendish looked ready to disagree, but young love is a disciplinarian stronger even than old authority, and reluctantly he rose to his feet, then less reluctantly put his arms round the girl’s yielding body and pulled her close for comfort.

Now the victims of the berserker’s assault on his way through the village began to appear to express their outrage. Thomas Wapshare brought explanation as well as indignation.

‘The bugger broke into the Morris,’ he said. ‘Drank a bottle of cognac, and he must have found a bucket of pig’s blood, you know, what I use for the black puddings, and reckoned it’d be a lark to fill his ammo with that instead of paint. You should see the bloody mess he’s made!’

Edwin Digweed too appeared. He and Wield took in each other’s gory appearance and exchanged smiles.

‘I thought I was dead,’ admitted Digweed.

‘Me too,’ said Wield.

The bookseller touched his bloody front with his forefinger and held it up before his eyes.

‘What I suggested before,’ he said, ‘it occurs to me, a sensible chap like you might feel a very natural caution about letting yourself be picked up by a strange man. I assure you I too have been extraordinarily cautious since this new Black Death came among us. I have the certification to prove it.’

‘Me too,’ said Wield. ‘Don’t worry. I was going to ask.’

‘You were? Does that mean you’ve decided yes?’

‘From about five minutes ago,’ said Wield, looking ruefully at his bloody front. ‘Life’s too long for silk ties, isn’t it?’

Three of Guy’s victims didn’t return to the Hall.

Caddy Scudamore had looked over her shoulder at the blood trickling down her smock, then headed straight into her studio where Justin Halavant found her a few moments later, stripped to the waist, experimenting with this new material on a variety of surfaces. Smiling, he pushed a stool into a corner and sat down to watch her.

And Elsie Toke hardly paused in her stride as she headed past the pub and turned towards her cottage.

Here at her front gate she stopped and sighed with relief.

Her son was in the garden. He was wearing jeans and a white T-shirt and he was digging the ground under one of the windows.

‘Hello, Ma,’ he said. ‘Thought we’d have some stock and petunias here. And some spuds and cabbage round the side. What’s been happening to you?’

‘Yon mad bugger, Guy Guillemard. Not to worry. It’s the last time he’ll be larking around here for a while. Fancy a cup of tea? I fetched you some cakes from the Hall.’

‘In a minute,’ he said. ‘Good Reckoning, was it?’

‘Aye. Interesting. That Justin Halavant’s going to wed young Caddy Scudamore, did you know?’

She watched him keenly.

‘Aye, I knew,’ he said. ‘I thought mebbe some sweet peas over there. Warren were always fond of sweet peas.’

‘That’d be nice,’ she said. ‘I’ll go and get out of these mucky things, then I’ll make that tea.’

Evening was settling over the valley as the three detectives drove out of Enscombe.

‘And what the fuck am I going to tell Desperate Dan?’ asked Dalziel.

It was a rare, indeed almost a unique dilemma. In the past, Dalziel had experienced very little difficulty in telling the Chief Constable anything, from unpleasant truths such as that his flies were open, to downright lies such as that his wish was Dalziel’s command.

‘How about, all’s well that ends well?’ said Pascoe brightly.

‘Oh aye? How about much ado about fucking nothing!’ retorted the Fat Man. ‘Two whole days, and what have we got? Bodies in the morgue, none. Bodies in the cells, none. Policemen resigned, one. Crimes committed, any number. Citizens willing to bring charges, not a single one!’

‘There is a positive side,’ said Pascoe. ‘Schools saved, one. Marriages arranged, two, maybe three. Peace of mind and ways of life preserved, a couple of hundred. And we can still do Guy the ex-Heir for assault.’

‘What? When not a soul in the place except us is willing to give evidence? Even Thomas bloody Wapshare says he’s not bothered by the breaking and entering. No, I may not know much, lad, but I know better than to stand up in court and complain about being showered with pig’s blood. We’d be a laughing-stock!’

‘The Post Office break-in’s still an open case, though,’ said Pascoe. ‘We might still get someone for that?’

He sensed rather than saw Wield stiffen. There was something there … in fact there was a lot going on with the Sergeant that he didn’t quite understand. Ellie would fathom it, he comforted himself.

‘I doubt it,’ said Dalziel disconsolately. ‘It’ll probably turn out to be the Little People, or summat. Aye, that’s it, it’s bloody fairy land back there. I mean, look at yon spot, for God’s sake!’

They were passing Scarletts, its exuberant shapes and colours gift-wrapped in the glow of the setting sun.

‘What the hell’s that got to do with Yorkshire?’ demanded Dalziel. ‘It’s like a tit-show in a monastery!’

‘Even monks need a night off,’ said Pascoe.

‘Nay, lad, being an off-corner yourself, you’d not know what I mean. Wieldy, now, you understand. A tyke’s a tyke even if it primps itself like a poodle. Wieldy, this Enscombe place, how’d it strike you?’

‘Oh, I agree with you, sir,’ said Wield. ‘Definitely fairy land.’

He glanced at Pascoe and winked, causing him almost to drive into the ditch as his mind clouded once more with vain speculation.

Dalziel didn’t seem to notice.

‘There you are,’ he said with satisfaction. ‘I’m glad at least one of you keeps his feet on the ground. A fairy tale, that’s what I’ll tell Dan! I’ll begin Once upon a time , then lay out the facts. He can decide for himself how it works out, earn his overbloated salary for once. How does that sound to you, Wieldy?’

‘Money for old rope,’ said Wield. ‘’Cos if you start Once upon a time , there’s no bother at all deciding how it works out, is there?’

‘Meaning what, clever clogs?’

‘And they all lived happy ever after,’ said Wield. ‘The end.’