J. Redmerski - Behind The Hands That Kill

He chuckled.

“It was the name of the first man I ever killed,” he said. “No other reason than that, really—it’s sort of like a trophy. Why did you choose the name ‘Victor’?”

I paused and said, “Victor is my real name.”

“Ah, I see,” Brant said. “Well that’s as good a reason as any. Pack up and leave the residence, Faust; the body ain’t gettin’ any fresher.”

I set the phone on the nightstand. I spent another ten minutes with Marina, apologizing to her in my mind, before finally getting dressed, grabbing my belongings, and leaving the tiny house in the Oregon wilderness that was the only place I felt at home since I was a boy and was forced into The Order.

Apollo shakes his head and smiles.

“And why did you kill her?” he asks, already knowing the answer, but wanting Izabel to hear it. “It wasn’t because you thought you were being tested, was it?”

I give only Izabel my attention, because as hard as this is for me, she deserves to know.

“I knew that Marina was telling the truth—I saw it in her eyes, I felt it in her touch, heard it in her words. The truth is that I cared about her…too much.”

Izabel does not appear to blink for a long time; she just looks at me, and I cannot read what it is in her eyes. And then finally she shuts them softly and takes a deep breath. And I know—I know that she is disappointed, that she is hurt, not because I cared about a woman other than her, but because I killed that woman, and why I killed her.

“So you murdered an innocent woman,” Apollo drills me like a prosecuting attorney, rubbing vinegar into the wound, “because you cared about her.” He clicks his tongue, shakes his head.

“Yes,” I admit. “I killed her for no other reason than my feelings for her. Even if I could never love her, the way that I love you”—(a tear slips down Izabel’s cheek)—“I knew I had to kill her, or The Order would have killed me .”

I stand up and move close to the bars, crouching to Izabel’s eye-level, wishing now more than ever that I could touch her.

“And Marina was not the first,” I say.

Another tear tracks down her cheek. And another.

It will all be over soon, my love.

It will be over soon.

I love you, Victor, with every shred of my soul. I wish I could tell you—can’t you see it in my eyes, in my tears? Can’t you fucking see it?!

Or is the pain all that you see? The disappointment and the disapproval? What you did was awful, Victor. That poor, innocent girl, who was not so unlike me. She needed your help. She trusted you, and you cared for her, yet you chose to take her life rather than to save it.

But I understand. I don’t approve, and I can never look you in the face and tell you that what you did, you had to do, that you had no other choice. I can’t look at you as a man whose hands haven’t been stained by the blood of the innocent, like I could before. It didn’t have to be you who killed her—it didn’t have to be you. You knew The Order would’ve killed her and your conscience would be clear, your hands would be clean; they could’ve done the job you shouldn’t have done yourself.

But you did it.

And for that I can’t give you the forgiveness you seek. I can’t pretend any longer that…you are perfect.

But I will always love you—that will never change.

I close my eyes softly, trying to force back the rest of my tears. If I’m going to die here today—and I know that I am—I don’t want the last few moments of my life to be spent crying. Because I’m stronger than that, and I don’t want these crazy people who brought us here, to feel the satisfaction.

A powerful, excruciating jolt moves through my body, nearly knocking me unconscious. My heart stops and my muscles tense so tightly I become a rock on this unsteady chair; my teeth catch my tongue and the taste of blood pools in my mouth; my eyes roll into the back of my head. I try to scream, but the gag in my mouth prevents anything but muffled curses.

“I told you!” Victor shouts, his voice banging in my ears as I struggle to stay upright. “I told you I would cooperate! Leave her alone!”

I try to catch my breath, but it’s that much harder when I can only inhale and exhale through my nose. My back is on fire where the cattle prod left its mark.

I want to kill that sonofabitch !

“Oh it gets much better,” I hear Apollo say somewhere behind me. “Marina was just the beginning”—I feel his hot breath on my ear—“wait until he tells you about Marina’s baby sister.”

My eyes, dizzied by the electric shock, find Victor’s again. He looks the same as before, when he was about to tell me the story of Marina, and I’m not liking what I see.

I shake my head again, just as I did earlier when I wanted him to refuse to talk. We’re going to die anyway, and I’d rather die with the man I know and love, not with a stranger that I love. But I know he’s going to tell me anyway. And I know the more he talks, the less I’ll be able to forgive.

I love you, Victor…please, don’t say anymore.

“I killed her, too,” I confess. “No need to go into those details—I killed her. She had to be…put down…because she knew too much, because Marina told her too much.” I sigh, hesitating, because the rest of the truth is worse. “It was not even an official order that the sister be terminated—it would have been, but I did not wait for it; I took it upon myself to tie up that loose end like any skilled operative would have done.”

“A loose end,” Apollo echoes. “Put down like a dog.”

“Yes.” It is all I can say.

Izabel is shaking her head; I feel like she wants me to stop talking. But I cannot. I may not have brought her on vacation to tell her the truth about my past—though I would have told her that, too, eventually—but I did bring her here to tell her other truths. And this was not exactly how I envisioned coming clean. But it is the hand that I was dealt, and it is the hand that I will play. It will be my only chance to tell her.

I notice Apollo, from the corner of my eye, concentrating hard again, and I realize that he is listening to someone, possibly through an earpiece.

So far I have counted five different people, including Apollo, who are in on this. Now I have to figure out which one of them Apollo is answering to. Osiris, perhaps? It would not surprise me, despite their tumultuous past.

“I have to take a piss,” Apollo announces.

He walks past Izabel and me and says on his way to the door, “I hope you don’t miss me too much while I’m gone.”

He slips out and the gray light blinks off as the door closes with an echoing bang behind him.

“Izabel, listen to me,” I say in a rush the moment Apollo is gone. “I need to know if you can move your hands at all. Enough to work them free.”

She struggles against the chair, and then after a moment, shakes her head no.

My heart drops. As ashamed as I am to admit it, I had been counting on her having a plan. This cage around me is not coming open without a key, and I have a feeling Apollo is not the one in possession of it. Izabel’s hair is still growing back from when it was cut in Italy, so there are no pins holding it in place like she wore on occasion with longer hair. She wears no jewelry; her feet are bare; not even her bikini top has an underwire—there is nothing I can use to pick this lock. Frantically I check the pockets of my khaki pants, but they are empty. I am not even wearing a belt.