Мишель Роуэн: Angel with Attitude

So You’re A Fallen Angel . . .

Now What?

Golden Scroll Edition 2.1

Your misdeeds in Heaven have led to this unfortunate situation. You only have yourself to blame, but here are a few guidelines that may help to ease your way.

Do

* Find somewhere safe to live.

* Eat regularly. Three meals a day is standard for human sustenance.

* Study the behavior and interactions of other humans so you will be able to fit in with them.

Suggestion: watch television and go to the movies. Also, observe real humans in everyday activity.

Do Not

* Tell anyone you are a fallen one. They will not believe you, and probably will think that you are simply insane. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

How Do You Return to Heaven?

You don’t. But do your best to make the most of your situation. Be good. Help others. Do good deeds. At the end of your human life (approximately 70 years), you may have balanced the scales for whatever you were originally expelled for. It is unlikely, but you never know about these things. However, if you die by natural or unnatural causes before this balance has been reached, the doors of Heaven will forever be closed to you.

Warning

Be wary of any stranger who takes an interest in your safety and well-being. Tempter Demons are assigned to lure fallen ones to Hell for an eternity of torturous servitude. TEMPTER DEMONS ARE VERY DANGEROUS. Their methods are underhanded and almost impossible to resist. You will know one when you see one. Remember to: JUST SAY NO! Do not let your guard down when confronted with a Tempter or you will regret it. Big time.

Good luck! You’re going to need it.

The Management

Falling out of Heaven is the easy part. It’s landing that’s difficult.

Luckily—or unluckily, as the case may be—someone up there had a strange sense of humor.

She could have landed anywhere in the earthly realm. Pavement, grass, the middle of the ocean . . .

. . . MarineLand in Niagara Falls. Or, more precisely, the killer whale tank at MarineLand.

Plop.

The cold water jarred her from her free-fall daze and she thrashed about, eyes wide. What just happened? She’d been reading a scroll. A golden scroll somebody had thrust into her hands.

Something about the rules of being a fallen angel, and then . . . then what?

She swallowed a large mouthful of water and started to choke before she slipped under.

And then somebody pushed me.

Somebody pushed her out of Heaven.

Son of a b—

She bobbed above the water and gasped for air before going under again. Then suddenly she felt herself forcefully yanked above the waterline. Somebody had hold of her upper arm.

Ouch. An extremely tight hold.

Her first impression of being a human? Pain sucked.

The large black-and-white killer whale—where did it get that name from, anyhow? she thought with growing panic—nudged her leg curiously as she was dragged out of the tank.

She could hear applause and cheers from somewhere, but her vision was too blurry to see more than just shapes and colors.

“Miss? What exactly do you think you’re doing? Is this some sort of joke?”

She opened her mouth to respond with, “Mahhhhh.” This actually meant: “I need to go back to Heaven. There’s been a huge mistake. Somebody, anybody, help me!,” but her first incomprehensible word was followed with a, “Bahhhh.”

The blurry dot of a human peered closer at her. “Are you okay?”

She knew enough to shake her head. No. She wasn’t okay. Not even close to being okay.

“Where did you come from?”

She blinked at the human, then pointed up. He followed the direction of her finger, then looked at her with confusion.

“I . . . I . . . fell from . . . ,” she began, happy she could finally speak, but then abruptly shut her mouth.

What had the golden scroll said? Do not tell anyone you are a fallen one . . . Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

She rubbed her eyes, which helped make the human, who turned out to be a uniformed security guard, a little less blurry, then wracked her equally blurry mind for something to say.

Anything. “I . . . I . . . was skydiving. My . . . chute didn’t open.”

She couldn’t believe her ears. She’d just lied for the first time. And actually, it sounded pretty good, all things considered.

The applause slowed, and a male voice shouted above the crowd: “Dude! She’s, like, totally naked! Get the camera!”

She swallowed and looked down at herself. “Uh . . . nude skydiving. It’s the latest thing.

Haven’t you heard?”

The security guard was having a difficult time keeping his attention fully on her face and his expression turned skeptical. “Nude skydiving. Right.”

Okay, maybe she wasn’t as good a liar as she’d thought.

“Where am I?” she managed.

“MarineLand.” At her frown of confusion, he continued, “In Niagara Falls.”

Niagara Falls. That meant that she just fell . . . to the Falls?

She looked up at the clouds and shot whomever might be watching a very dirty look.

“What’s the date today?”

“Are you kidding?”

“I wish I was. Date? What is it?”

“It’s September the thirtieth. A Saturday. Good enough?” He eyed her warily. “What’s your name?”

She knew this one. She didn’t seem to have anything else, but she did have a name. “It’s V-v-

valerie. Valerie Grace.”

He frowned, then reached into his pocket. “Then this must be yours. I was just about to turn it in to lost and found.”

It was a small, black leather wallet. After closer inspection, she discovered it contained a birth certificate with her name on it and a hundred dollars in cash. There was also a torn piece of paper with the handwritten words “Paradise Inn” and an address.

The security guard tapped the paper. “That motel’s just around the corner. Are you staying there?”

It hurt to think. “I . . . I guess I might be.”

Somebody approached from behind and was trying to slip something over her head.

Remembering what the scroll said, she instinctively began to fight against whomever or whatever it was. “Demon!” she shrieked. “Get away from me!”

“No,” the security guard assured her. “It’s only a T-shirt, Ms. Grace. To cover you up. I think the crowd has gotten enough pictures today, don’t you think? Why don’t I get a taxi for you?

Then you can go back to your motel and maybe . . . rest a bit?”

She clutched his arm. “Have you seen any demons? They’re very dangerous. I have to get back to Heaven as soon as possible. This is all a horrible, horrible mistake.”

The water in the tank had been very cold and she started to shiver as the sun disappeared behind some clouds in the otherwise clear sky.

The guard eyed her strangely. “Let’s start with the taxi, shall we?”

Get hold of yourself, Valerie, she commanded herself. The golden scroll was right. Anyone who listened to her would think she was insane. She’d been human for only five minutes and even she could see that.

She nodded at him and tried not to cry.

This was a mistake. She hadn’t done anything to warrant this. She had to go back. They’d take her back, wouldn’t they? She’d always been an angel, it was all she knew. All she ever wanted to know.

The security guard shuffled her through the swelling crowd. As they passed a group of four leering teenage boys, he confiscated a digital camera to their loud and angry protests.

All a mistake.

Huge.

She got in a taxi and left MarineLand headed for the Paradise Inn with three things to her name. A complimentary BOOM BOOM THE KILLER WHALE oversized T-shirt, the security guard’s home phone number (“we should get together for drinks when you’re feeling better”), and the absolute, unwavering determination to get back to Heaven as soon as humanly possible.