Iris Johansen - Always

"That's because I'm scared as hell." His hands cupped her shoulders and he pushed her down on the rim of the mosaic fountain. "I don't know how you're going to take this."

"Take what?"

He drew a deep breath. "Do you believe I love you?"

A shock ran through her, and she hesitated. "I believe you think you do," she said slowly.

"Do you trust me?"

She didn't have to think about that. "Yes."

Suddenly he was on his knees beside her, gathering her hands in his. "You should trust me. I'd never do anything to hurt you. Do you remember what I told you about the way I sublimate the pain of loss?"

"Yes," she said, and her hands tightened on his. "I remember."

"But you don't have anyone to turn to and channel that pain, Lisa. You don't have anyone you really love."

"What are you trying to say?"

"That you need someone." He glanced up, his expression gravely intent. "I'm saying that I'd like very much to give you a child."

She inhaled sharply. "A child!"

"I'm not suggesting that Tommy could ever be replaced. Every human being is unique and irreplaceable, and what you feel for Tommy is beautiful and special. But you still need someone else to love." He smiled a little crookedly. "I'm selfishenough to wish it could be me, but that's not in the cards. At least not yet. But the need still exists, and I know you'd love your own child." He brought her palm to his lips and kissed it. " Please. Let me give you that child."

"Clancy…" Her thoughts were a wild, whirling jumble of fragments.

"I'm not asking any commitment from you. You don't even have to marry me, if you don't want to. The child will be completely yours. I'll sign papers swearing to that." He was silent for a moment before adding haltingly, "I would like you to stay with me until the child is born, if you can see your way clear to do it." His lips twisted in a self-mocking grimace. "You know what a protective bastard I am. I'd worry about both of you, if you weren't right under my nose."

"It's crazy," she declared softly. She felt an odd, glowing warmth deep within her that had something to do with the way Clancy was looking at her with that touching little-boy earnestness. Just as Tommy had looked at her when he'd done something wrong and wasn't sure how she'd react. She stiffened with surprise when she realized how naturally the thought had come. Not with that familiar jolt of pain, but gently, as if Tommy were still with her. Perhaps now that Clancy had freed her from that icy trauma, Tommy would always be with her.

"Not so crazy," Clancy said, playing absently with her fingers. "You want me, so that should make the sex part tolerable."

Lisa almost burst into an hysterical giggle at that. Considering the sexual tension that hadexisted between them in the last few days, the word "tolerable" was scarcely appropriate.

As Clancy continued to enumerate the advantages one by one, like a solemn-faced child reciting a lesson, she was once more reminded of Tommy. No pain again. It was becoming easier all the time. "I'm rich enough to provide for you comfortably," he continued, "and naturally I'd support you handsomely. You wouldn't want for anything, Lisa, after the baby was born. I realize you will continue your career and would need to arrange for reliable domestic help." Suddenly he frowned. "If you go on tour, I'd like you to send the child to Sedikhan while you're gone. I don't like the idea of the baby being without one of us for long periods of time."

"You've thought all this out very thoroughly," she said quietly.

"It was a long night, and I knew you'd need a solution to the new questions I'd raised. It was my job to give it to you."

So he had given her his solution. Generously, selflessly, with the open-handed simplicity she had come to associate with him. "Clancy, where the hell is your sense of self-preservation?" she asked. "What are you getting out of all of this?"

"Quite a bit." He smiled. "At least nine months of you in my bed and in my life. A child that I can love, even though he won't be completely mine. I can live with that. Before you came into my life, I didn't think I'd ever have a child at all."

She felt tears brimming behind her eyes as she remembered the sweetness and wonder she had known with Tommy. Clancy should experience what she had; he would make a wonderful father-gentle, protective, wise. He shouldn't be cheated out of that joy. "I couldn't do that to you."

He shook his head. "Don't you see? It would be a gift like the one you gave me when you told me about Tommy. There would be no guilt on either side." He kissed her palm again. "Fair exchange, Lisa."

"Not fair at all. I'd be taking. You'd be giving," she said. "I'd have to be even more selfish than I was in my ivory tower days to take you up on a proposition like that."

"You're wrong." His hands tightened on hers. "So wrong. Believe me, there's no way I'd feel like a martyr if you accepted this proposal. I'd feel lucky as hell."

"Then you're an idiot!" Her voice broke and she had to wait a moment before she could speak again. "Clancy, I don't want to talk about this any more right now."

"All right." He gave her hands an affectionate squeeze before releasing them and rising to his feet. "We'll drop it for the moment, but there's one question I'd like to ask first. Would you like to have a child?"

Would she? When Clancy had first said he wanted to give her a child, she had experienced shock and then sheer heady joy. She'd realized after Tommy was born that she was a woman with a strong maternal drive and needed a child to complete her. Motherhood had brought joy and warmth and love. But it also had brought shock and an unbelievable pain. Could she risk that pain again? "I don't know." Her hand moved in a gesture of helplessness. "I'm so confused. There are so many things…"

Clancy nodded his head. "I know that. It's a decision that no one can make but you." He turned away. "Think about it. I believe it's the answer for both of us. Let me know when you've made up your mind." He glanced back over his shoulder. "I suppose you don't want that omelet now?"

Food? She shook her head. "You've given me too much to digest as it is."

He smiled. "If I'm going to fatten you up, I'd better schedule discussions like this after you've eaten."

"Oh, I don't know," she said dryly. "A fattening-up would definitely be the result if I yielded to your persuasion on the topic of this particular discussion."

He chuckled. "You're right." His expression grew serious. "I'd love to see you pregnant with my child. There's nothing more beautiful than a woman with that particular bloom on her."

His eyes were so intent that she felt suddenly breathless. "You certainly have weird ideas on female allure. As I remember, the only bloom I noticed when I was carrying Tommy was in my stomach. I looked like I'd swallowed a watermelon."

"I'd like to see you like that," he said softly. "Think about it." He turned and walked into the house.

How could she help but think about it when her head and emotions were whirling like a top? Did she want another child? Was it fair to take from Clancy, even though he said it was what he wanted? If she had a child, would she be able totake it and walk away from Clancy? Every instinct rebelled against that last thought. She couldn't hurt anyone like that. Particularly not Clancy, who was kind and honest and loving. She couldn't walk away from Clancy at all.

She stiffened as that last thought emerged haphazardly from the tempest in her mind. Then it solidified into a conviction of unshakable certainty. She didn't want to leave Clancy Donahue, no matter what the circumstances. She wanted to live with him and bear his children and have him smile down on her with that rare warmth until the day she died. Love. She loved Clancy. It shocked her as deeply as his proposition had earlier. Why hadn't she realized she'd been tottering on the brink in the past days? Oh, Lord, now she was more confused than ever.