Джойс Оутс - Zombie

Saying How’d you get so many? Wow! Wild! like it’s a joke, some fantasy of MTV maybe. & TODD CUTTLER smiled & said Thanks! & SQUIRREL turned to catch two more chicks near the rear right tire of the van & in that instant TODD CUTTLER quick as a snake slid a crushing forearm beneath the boy’s chin & with his other arm pinioned the boy’s thrashing arms & ONE TWO THREE hard jolts against the boy’s windpipe almost snapping his neck & he was out on his feet, legs limp & useless. & TODD CUTTLER within seconds lifted & hauled him inside the van, & the doors shut & locked. & TODD CUTTLER was aroused & fierce his eyes bulging in his head. & his cock enormous. & shoving the sponge into SQUIRREL’s mouth & securing it with tape wound around his head & jaws. & pulled the burlap sack over SQUIRREL’s head & secured that too with tape. & now the face & head were gone, & the boy’s body lay shuddering with breath. & a stain darkening his crotch. & the smell of urine. & excited TODD CUTTLER fumbled & tore at the boy’s jeans & exposed his soft damp cock & tore at his own clothes & ONE TWO THREE hard jolts into the boy’s scrotum & moaning & his own eyes lurching in his head he came, & came. & there was a blackout of how many seconds, or minutes, he did not know. & laying upon the boy shuddering & trying to calm his heart. I love you, don’t make me hurt you. Love love love you! & a wetness ran from his mouth like a baby’s. & his eyes blinded with tears. & yet the burlap sack was scratchy against his heated skin. & the boy so thin beneath him, the rib cage & collarbone. & the boy revived & began weakly to groan inside the sponge & thrashing his arms & legs. & TODD CUTTLER lay his weight upon him to secure him. Lay still & you won’t be hurt! Lay still & you won’t be hurt! I am your friend . & the boy in terror was stronger than expected but TODD CUTTLER was stronger. Grunting & pinioning the boy’s arms to his sides & winding around him a strip of burlap & securing it with rope like a straitjacket. & tying the boy’s legs, ankles & calves & knees. & the boy could not now move except to writhe like an injured worm.

Yet still he writhed, & deep in his throat a groaning wailing sound like a baby crying at a distance & this pissed TODD CUTTLER who straddled him & closed his fingers around the boy’s neck where a pulse beat saying, panting You won’t be hurt! You won’t be hurt I promise you! But don’t FIGHT ME . & TODD CUTTLER tightened his fingers & shook & shook the boy’s head banging it against the floor of the van until seeing the boy was still & not resisting he crawled from him. & came to an awareness of where he was & the task that was his & the danger. For he seemed to have forgotten the danger. As at all such times. & staring at his wristwatch seeing the time now 6:23 P.M.. & at first could not comprehend what this meant. Then recovering & removing the wig & moustache (which had come partway loose & hung down his lip) & adjusting his khaki shorts he’d opened. & examining the boy seeing he was breathing, his rib cage rising & falling in spasms. So it was O.K. & hurriedly climbing out of the van on the driver’s side & into the driver’s seat & checked the rearview mirror seeing the alley was still empty. & drove the van (the dashboard so strangely new & the steering tight & the bulk of the vehicle unexpected) in slow jerks at first & then more smoothly forward & through the church parking lot (which was almost empty, & nobody to as much as glance in his direction) & to Pearl Street & south to Arden & east on Arden to Grandma’s. & there was no sound from the rear. & parked the van as before. & locked all doors with the automatic lock. & tried to see into the rear but the dark green plastic strips blocked all vision. & hurried then to the mower which was still roaring .

All this time, & still roaring . & the old women would’ve heard, & would believe I had been there. Returned to the mowing & took comfort in it as sometimes you do—back & forth, back & forth across the width of the lawn. & happening to see, glancing around—what was it?—A DOG SNIFFING AT THE VAN! A DOG!—& for a moment stood staring then clapped my hands & shouted for it to get away, & it stood staring at me for a moment & I yelled Get home! Get away! & the dog turned & trotted down the driveway. & went away. & at 6:54 P.M. I quit mowing & pushed the mower into the garage. Checked the van in the driveway seeing it seemed O.K. & no sound from the rear. Went into the house & told Grandma I was done for today, the back lawn was mowed. It was 7:00 P.M. & I had to leave. & Grandma & the other old woman looked at me. & Grandma said, Quentin, your face , & I said What about my face? & Grandma said, You look over-heated, dear, why don’t you wash up . So I washed up. & saw in the bathroom mirror Q__ P__ looking at me dazed & sunburnt-seeming. & a vein of blood in the left eye. & the hairline receding. What of your future, son?—you are over thirty years old . & the beer gut, & tight belt if I’d worn a belt which I did not, with these khaki shorts. & returned to the kitchen where Grandma & the other old woman were talking about Q__ P__, I know. & it crossed my mind I might kill them both now, & the other one out in the van, & dispose of the three corpses at once & that would save time, & I wouldn’t have to think about it anymore.

Grandma saying, Oh Quentin but can’t you stay for dinner & I said. & Grandma said Oh but I wish you would! I don’t think you eat right, living alone. A bachelor’s life is a hard one . & I said should I drive Mrs. Thatch home now. & Mrs. Thatch was staying for dinner it seemed & said oh no she would take a taxi home. & I was moving toward the door & Grandma cried Oh Quentin wait! & gave me an envelope which would contain $$$ & I took it & thanked her & left. & at the van, which was the new shining green-brown Dodge Ram & not the other, THERE WAS THE DOG AGAIN—a skinny breed with stringy hair & curving tail like a monkey’s, & alert eyes & I shouted Get away! Fuck off! & clapped my hands & kicked at it, & it ran away. Was it SQUIRREL’s dog? My .38 pistol in my pocket, should I kill the dog? No sound inside the van. Got inside, & backed out of the driveway crooked & onto the lawn but on the street drove O.K., the steering wheel was sort of tight in the new van & the bulk of the van clumsy. But I was O.K. It was 7:12 P.M. West in slow traffic along Lakeview to the lake. These hours of Q__ P__’s plan before returning to 118 North Church in the darkness had never been worked out clearly I realized & were but a blur. As in a movie there is a FADE OUT, & a FADE IN to a later time. But I could not do that. I did not have that power. I was in Time. & the clock lacking hands, & stuck. & the Dodge Ram burning gas faster than the Ford. You might be a little surprised, be prepared for the price of a full tank when you gas up the salesman said.

But I could not think of that now. Parked in Summit Park overlooking the lake & ate Froot Loops, for I was hungry, & drank from one of the wine bottles cautious to keep it hidden in the bag. For what if a cop saw, & came to question me. & the .38 pistol in my pocket I could not use in safety because the sound of the shot would be heard. Because that is the weakness of a gun, & why a knife is superior. But to kill any living thing with a knife is not easy. You would want to avoid it if you could. The sun was still high in the sky above the lake & I thought It will never get dark . A ridge of dark ragged cloud like broken teeth at the edge of the lake, & brighter sky above. & my ZOMBIE a burden to me & not the joy I had expected. & I finished the first bottle, & must’ve dozed behind the wheel, & woke hearing a snort which was out of my own throat. & still the day was light! & the sun glaring above the same ridge of cloud. Like a blind eye, yet it is still glaring. & the waves of Lake Michigan lapping & tepid in the heat. Toxin-waves Junie said. What have we done to nature! Junie said. She will look into your eyes & know: & what must you do? I turned to stare at the plywood partition behind the seats & it was—just there. & no sound beyond. & for a moment could not remember who was back there—which one of my specimens. For everything that happens, has happened. & will happen again. & remembering then the boy climbing out of the swimming pool—so shining with life. & began to feel revived again, & excited. For he was mine now, & always will be so. In sickness & in health & till Death depart.