Dave Zeltserman - Fast Lane

“You can take your favor and shove it!” He started to get out of his chair, and as he did so I leaned forward and shoved him hard back into it. He went down hard enough for the force to drive the chair’s front legs off the ground, leaving him frantically flapping his arms to keep from toppling backwards. Just like Humpty Dumpty, except Bry avoided the great fall. He got his balance back and forced the chair forward.

For a good ten-count he couldn’t speak. He was breathing hard, his face purpling with rage. It was funny how he felt he could treat me with contempt. Maybe he thought it was just business, that it was something he paid for. And maybe I did always laugh it off, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t keeping score.

Finally he caught his breath and clamped down hard enough on his teeth that I thought they were going to break. “I’d give anything to get you alone for five minutes.”

“No reason we couldn’t step out back,” I said, trying to be agreeable.

I wished he’d take me up on it, but I knew he wouldn’t. He was a big man, probably outweighed me by fifty pounds-and I weigh a solid one hundred and ninety. When he was younger he was a hotshot for his college football team and probably still thought he was something. But even at his peak, I would have taken him apart. The way he was now, the time it took him to hit the pavement would have been all I needed.

He didn’t say anything. We both sat and stared at each other. “Is this any way to act after all I’ve done for you?” I asked after a while.

“All you’ve done for me?” His laugh caught in his sinuses and came out more as a snort.

“That’s right.” I nodded. “Kept your marriage together best I could and-”

“Yeah? I always thought you were just blackmailing me like the cheap punk you are.”

“That’s where you’re showing your ignorance,” I said. “Whenever Joyce hires me and I catch you banging away without her, deciding what to do with the pictures is always a struggle. If I thought she’d use them to divorce you, I’d give them to her gladly. But I don’t suppose that’s what she’d do.”

I waited for him to say something, but he just breathed hard and ground his teeth.

“If Joyce were to see them,” I continued, “there’s no doubt in my mind she’d kill you first chance she got.”

Whenever his wife had hired me, she would act casual about it. But it was a poor act. The skin around her mouth would be pulled so tight you’d think it was going to rip. And when she laughed, it was edged with a shrill hysteria. Kind of like nails on a blackboard. I never took her jokes about how she would cut his balls off and use them as a car ornament if he really cheated on her as anything but what she truly intended.

“Now I’m not saying this world wouldn’t be a better place without you,” I said. “Probably would be, but it just doesn’t seem fair if your wife ended up going to jail for a thing like that.”

“So that’s how you justify blackmailing me,” he said.

I looked at him sadly. He still didn’t get it. I was only trying to do what was best for my client. If I thought showing him the pictures would make him stop, I’d never have asked for money. But he wouldn’t have stopped. And what his wife was paying for, deep inside, was to make him stop.

“Now,” I said, trying to make him understand. And what the hell was so hard to understand? “That’s not how I see it. I’m just trying to teach you a lesson. Get you back on the straight and narrow. But it seems I’ve been failing you, cause no matter how hard I try you keep straying. Maybe if it hurt a little more, you’d straighten out.”

“You son of a bitch. If only this city knew that the great Johnny Lane was nothing more than a cheap blackmailing punk.”

I ignored him. “To be honest,” I said, “I never understood why your wife cares a damn about you. With that cute little figure she’s got and with all that emotion she puts out in the sack, she should be able to get herself something that stands on two legs. At least something with brains enough not to risk losing a gal who can moan the way she can.”

Of course, I was lying. Not about her having a nice figure, because she certainly had that. The one time Joyce and I ended up horizontally, she was deader than a stick of wood. I think she gave me a splinter. I could understand why he was always sniffing around. But then again, he was probably the one who had made her that way.

He was livid. For a second I thought he was going to lunge at me and maybe that was what I was after. Usually, I didn’t twist the knife that deep into him, but this time I was getting my hands all bloody. Maybe I was after some payback, which was crazy, since I needed him now and would have all the time in the world for that later.

Luke, who was working the bar, sauntered over, carrying a beer bottle. He asked if everything was okay.

“Couldn’t be better,” I told him. “Want you to meet an old friend of mine. We go back almost fifteen years. Luke, Jerry Bry.”

Bry didn’t say anything. Luke nodded and told him he was glad to meet him. “If you need anything, Johnny,” he said, giving Bry a long stare, “just give a yell. Here’s something on the house.” He handed me the beer. As he walked back to the bar, he turned and gave Bry another look.

Under his breath, Bry asked, “How many other people have you been blackmailing?”

I studied him hard, wondering if he was the one sending the anonymous letters. I decided it wasn’t him. He couldn’t risk Joyce finding out about his cheating. I said, “If you don’t like the way I’ve been handling things, we can go right now and have a talk with your wife. Would you like to do that?”

“Fuck you.”

“I asked you a question.”

“You damn well know the answer.”

“Okay, then,” I said. “I need a favor and I know you wouldn’t mind helping me out. At least not after all I’ve done for you over the years. Right?”

He clamped his jaw shut, but his head bobbed up and down.

“I need you to pretend to be a little gal’s daddy.”

“Wha-” he spat out, almost choking.

“I have a college gal who’s searching for her father. You’re going to tell her that you’re him.”

“And what am I supposed to say to Joyce?” he asked.

I explained what I needed him to do. He would meet with Mary and tell her if his wife ever found out he had a daughter it would destroy his marriage. He would feel bad about not being able to see her again, but it would have to be that way. Mary would understand, and that would be it.

It seemed simple enough. Everything was going to work out. Mary would have her faith restored in me, and, just as important, she would never have any reason to meet up with Rose. I could breathe easy again.

Comprehension was beginning to work its way into Bry’s face. His lips turned up into an ugly smile, and he snickered. “You really are a lowlife, aren’t you?”

I don’t think I ever wanted to rip him apart any more than I did right then. It was pretty clear what was going on behind his dull stupid smile. The way he was looking at it, I was giving him a knife he could hold against my throat. Anytime in the future he could threaten to go talk to Mary. Well, whether he wanted to believe me or not, I always did what was in the best interest of his marriage. Now, as far as I was concerned, he was a lost cause. He was no better than a rutting pig, and nothing I could do would change that.

Somehow the thought of him trying to blackmail me didn’t bother me. It wasn’t anything I could put my finger on, sort of something tickling the back of my mind, but I knew when the time was right I would know how to take care of things.

Understanding that gave me a warm feeling.