Dave Zeltserman - Fast Lane

I had to laugh thinking about how his jaw would drop when Mary told him what she was paying me. He’d get her to tell him. No matter how hard up he was he wouldn’t want to work for that. And anyway, he was probably even dumber than he looked. If there was anyone out there who couldn’t find his ass from his elbow, let alone Rose, it was him.

* * * * *

It would look funny for me to go out there and say something, so I sat and waited. After a few minutes I heard the outer door to my office shut. I got up and asked Max to come in. He hesitated before taking my hand, and when he finally did, you’d think I was contagious with something particularly unpleasant. I gave him a big smile and an even bigger slap on the back as he made his way past me. We sat ourselves down and without as much as a how-do-y’-do he tried pushing a folder on me. I ignored it and made my smile nice and friendly.

“They put a new coffee machine out in the hallway. If you like I could get you some?”

He shook his head.

“Something from the vending machine? Gum? Candy bar?”

“No, nothing, thanks.”

“So, Max, how are things going for you?”

“I can’t complain,” he said, sounding hoarse, as if his throat had been scraped with sandpaper. “I’ve finished the Crowley job and have the report ready for you to look over.”

I waved it away. “My poppa always taught me that if you worry too much about business you’re plain worrying yourself too much. We can get to that in a little while. Speaking of little, how’s the missus doing?”

“Uh, she’s okay.”

“Well, I’m certainly glad to hear that. And how are your boys getting along?”

He shifted in his chair. “They, um.” He cleared his throat. “They’re doing okay too.”

“Regular chips off the old block, aren’t they?”

“Um, yes. But they-”

“Although,” I cut in, “you can see some of Moira’s features in them. Her better features, that is.”

“What do you mean by that?” he demanded, emotion muffling his voice.

“Nothing at all,” I said innocently. “Only that some of her features are better than others. Nobody in this world’s perfect.”

“I don’t know if-”

“Aw, come on.” I winked. “There’s nothing about her you would change if given the chance?”

“No!”

“There’s something about everyone that could be improved. Me, I’ve never been too happy about my nose. It’s a little too small and flat for my face.”

“I’m happy with her the way she is,” he insisted.

“That’s good to hear.” I nodded. “It sure must be something having a wife and family. How long has it been since I’ve seen them?”

“I’m not sure-”

“You know what? I’d really enjoy visiting you and Moira and your boys sometime.”

Of course I wouldn’t enjoy it at all. Not with the way Moira shuffled about, acting as if I were the reason for all her problems. And not with having to sit there with his boys. It was a shame the way they’d turned out, getting the worse they could possibly get from their parents. Growing up to be big, sullen and dull like their daddy, and with their mother’s pasty, colorless features. It really was a shame.

I wondered what it was like having a family like that. Waking up every morning knowing they’d be waiting for you at night. I wondered how Max has managed not to take his gun and . . . .

* * * * *

Max turned uneasily in his chair, working himself up as he tried to explain why right now wasn’t a good time for them to have company. “Sure we would like to have you over, but, uh, I need to talk to my wife.” His face turned redder as he continued, “Um, this is a bad time, though. Moira hasn’t been feeling well and there’s a lot to do around the house. But I’ll talk to her.”

I told him I understood and asked if he wouldn’t mind going over his report with me. And damned if he didn’t let loose with a sigh of relief! We started on the report with Max attacking the expenses first, justifying each item to death. He’d padded the amount of billable hours and was cheating me on the expenses but I sat there nodding in agreement. It doesn’t pay to be too hardnosed about these things, and besides, it wasn’t all that likely the client would notice. If he did, well, Max and I could always go over it again.

We quickly finished the report. Crowley Industrial Rentals was having a problem with some of its power tools disappearing. Max had traced them back to an employee who had been borrowing them to make his own pool table. It seems this fellow had his retirement coming up and thought a pool table would help pass all the idle time he was soon going to have. He never did get a chance to finish it and that was a shame, what with his retirement coming upon him faster than expected.

I was disappointed. Before leaving for Oklahoma I was planning to use Mary’s case for my next column, but that idea was no longer feasible. I had hoped Max would have something I could use, but his case was no good either. The public doesn’t like reading about a big company coming down hard on the little guy. Hell, I might as well pack up and close the office for the good that story would do me.

Max cleared his throat to get my attention. He asked if I had any cases he could take a crack at.

I shook my head and frowned. “It’s kind of slow right now. I’ll call you, though, as soon as something comes up.”

He started to get up, hesitated, and then sat back down. “Do you think you could pay me now for the Crowley job?”

“Now Max, you know I always pay after the client pays. But if you’re a little short I’d be glad to give you a loan.”

I reached for my wallet, making it slow. Max stopped me and mumbled to no one in particular to forget it. He stared at his hands. “I’ve been wanting to talk to you about something.”

“Sure, what’s on your mind?”

He hesitated for a second, and then said, “I’m not happy with our arrangement.”

I didn’t say a word. I let him go on.

“I don’t think forty percent is fair after all I’ve done for you.”

I’d had a good idea where the dissension in the ranks was coming from. Now I knew.

“That’s what I pay out,” I said. “None of the other detectives have ever complained about it. And it’s not like I’ve ever held a gun to your head and made you work for me. If you don’t like what I’m paying, you don’t have to take it.”

“Yeah, and what am I supposed to do?”

“It seems to me you could quit bitching and moaning and expecting a free ride from me. Maybe you should try standing on your own two feet for a change.”

His big face flushed with anger. “You promised me!”

“Aww,” I said under my breath.

“Well, you did.”

I looked him in the eye and we stared at each other. I was starting to get disgusted with the whole thing.

“Max,” I explained, “that’s just not true. I’ve always been on the level. I never promised you anything except the jobs I’ve given you. And I’ve always paid you fairly. You’ve gotten every dime I’ve owed you.”

“But,” he was beginning to get flustered, “what are you going to do? Change the names and turn that into next month’s adventure from the files of Johnny Lane?”

He was glaring at his report. I shook my head, showing my disappointment. “If you feel that strongly about it I certainly won’t. But you’re being unreasonable. You know that’s part of what’s agreed on. I’ll tell you what I think I am going to do,” I said, feeling a meanness edging into my voice. “Next month I’ll introduce my sidekick. Every hero needs a sidekick. Mine can be Max, the dickless dick. Got a nice ring to it. Yes sir, I think the whole next feature will be about how Max became the dickless dick. A pretty funny story, his girlfriend getting all excited and forgetting to take her false teeth out.”