J. Rain: Hail Mary

“ I think she’s…” But I couldn’t finish my sentence. It was too improbable, too crazy.

Crazier than talking to God at McDonald’s?

Jack said, “You think she’s what, Jim?”

Ah, screw it, I thought.

“ I think, well…I think she’s hugging me.”

“ She is, Jim.”

“ And you can see her?”

“ I can see her.”

“ And you’re not messing with me?”

He smiled. “How do you feel, Jim?”

The hair on my neck stood on end. Same with the hair on my forearms. A sweet tingling coursed through my upper body.

“ I feel great,” I said.

Jack nodded, pleased. He paused, then said, “She wants to tell you something.”

I blinked. “Tell me what?”

Jack cocked his head slightly as if listening. “She wants you to know that she loves you more than you can know. She also wants to thank you for keeping her memory alive. She knows that not a day goes by that you don’t think of her.”

Now the tingling around my neck turned into something warm, something loving. The tingling, in fact, now came to me in waves. Warm and loving waves. I think some of the hair on my head was standing on end.

Jack went on, and as he spoke, I closed my eyes. “She says she’s happy. She says she’s in a good place, a peaceful place. She says it’s time for you to be happy, too, Jim. It’s time. No more sadness for her. She says you’re her little angel, who isn’t so little anymore. She says it’s time to move forward, Jim. It’s time to move on. She says it saddens her to see you so sad.”

I covered my eyes with one hand. I fought to control myself, but I couldn’t, and the warmth I was feeling was too real, too pure, too loving. After a moment, I let go, and wept into my hand, and now the warmth and tingling moved from my shoulders and surrounded my entire body, and Jack’s voice seemed to reach me from far, far away.

“ She says she loves you, Jim. And you will always be her little angel, no matter how damn big you’ve gotten.”

I laughed a little, and so did Jack.

“ She has quite a sense of humor, your mother. She also says she wants a grandchild.”

I laughed again, but still couldn’t speak.

“ She says she’s not in pain anymore, and she’s happy. Very, very happy. But mostly she says she’s proud of you, Jim. So very proud of you.”

I wept quietly into my hands, feeling the loving tingle spread along my arms and neck and shoulders. I sat like that for a long, long time. And after a while, as the tingling began to fade, I finally said what I’d never been given a chance to say before.

I said, “Goodbye, Ma.”