James Cain - The Cocktail Waitress

“Glad to.”

“He ever tell you that idea he has for the Chesapeake Bay-some idea he can work the atomic plants to get the nettles out, use one against the other? If that’s not screwy, I don’t know what is.”

“Yes, he’s told me.”

Next thing I knew, I was in Tom’s car, and we were headed for Upper Marlboro, with this tremendous piece of information Mrs. Lacey had given me. I must have called him but don’t remember doing it. We talked, very excited, about what our next move would be, with no backwash to last night and the sour note we had broken on. Then we were at Upper Marlboro, parked back of the courthouse, and then in the Sheriff’s office again. Deputy Harrison came out to see me, and was really friendly about it. “Then O.K.,” he said. “That cooks his goose, that does it. We’ll be there, with our warrant to serve on him. We’ll take it over-you’ve nothing to worry about.”

“Feel better now?” asked Tom as we headed home.

“A little relieved perhaps. Once he’s back in jail, then I’ll feel better.”

We got to my house, and I asked him in, of course. He dropped into the chair I usually sat in, staring out the window, the way I so often did. “… Something wrong?” I asked, after a while.

“No, not a thing.”

But then, five minutes later: “I think.”

And then: “Joan, I’m worried, and don’t even know about what. But suddenly, it’s all become too damned easy.”

“… Well?” I asked after a moment or two. “The whole trouble was, they didn’t know where to find him. Now they do. It takes care of everything.”

After a long time, he said: “Jim Lacey’s nobody’s saint, but he’s nobody’s fool either. Being crooked does not also mean being stupid. So Jim Lacey knows his wife saw the tickets and knows what he’s up to. So he knows she could do her best to louse him. So what does he do about it?”

“… You asking me?”

“Myself. I just don’t happen to know.”

But pretty soon he began snapping his fingers. “What I would do about it would be to go out to that airport, bringing the girlfriend along, and then separate from her, so as not to be spotted as a couple. Then I’d put myself somewhere, maybe topside in the lunchroom, where I could keep an eye on that waiting room, to see everyone that comes in. So here come the Maryland officers-in uniform, perhaps, but even if not, I know them personally from when I built the station.”

“… O.K.? What then?”

“I don’t know. Do you?”

“No, but I don’t feel relieved anymore.”

“Well, I certainly don’t. O.K., I see them come in, and right away, I slip out. I slip out into a cab, and beat it to the bus station. There I wait for the girl-who may have slipped out too, and be waiting at the cab stand. So we go by bus to Miami, where I take the same flight the next day. So I forfeit the price of two tickets. So? It’s better than going to prison.”

“I don’t feel relieved at all.”

“I’m sorry if I upset you.”

“But what do we do?”

“You say we in that tone of voice, I have to think of something.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“You know what I mean. Don’t you?”

I felt weak and queer and smothered, and am not at all sure that I answered.

By now he was tramping around, showing every sign of excitement, and then suddenly snapped his fingers again, telling me very excitedly: “I’ve got it, I’ve got it, I’ve got it!” I waited, and he went on, kneeling beside my chair: “We need a hand, from someone else with the power to arrest and an interest in doing so, someone he won’t recognize. We can’t use the Airport Police, on account that they’re Federal and take no part in local bail jumps. However, I think we have an alternative. He’s skipping with fifty grand, and it’s fairly certain he hasn’t paid any tax on the money, which means IRS will move in, if we just give them the tip. They can claim help from the Airport Police, as they’re Federal too. Come on, we’re going to Wheaton.”

We used his car again, and once more were in one of those offices with counters in front, desks in back, and girls in short skirts chewing gum. I pictured all three being ordered in bulk from something like the Sears Catalog. At one of the desks was a man, who came and asked what we wanted. Tom let me talk and I did, being as brief as I could, yet at the same time explaining myself, who I was, and how I’d gone Lacey’s bond. Then I said: “Where you come in is: He’s skipping with fifty grand, fifty thousand dollars, or so I’m reliably informed, and if he’s skipping to Nassau, we can bet he hasn’t paid any tax, and could be he doesn’t intend to. Sir, does that possibility interest the IRS?”

“Lady, are you being funny?”

“You mean IRS doesn’t care?”

“I mean it does-and how.”

“Then what does it do about it? And what do I do about it?”

“Hold everything-got to consult.”

He went to his desk, picked up the phone and pressed buttons. Pretty soon another man was there. They whispered a minute, then spoke to a girl, who got up and went through a door. In a bit she came out with a card, which the men took from her and studied. Then they both came to the counter. “O.K.,” the first man said. “This is Mr. Schwartz, who will act with me in this matter. My name is Christopher, and we’ve looked Mr. Lacey up-he filed a return last year, but paid so small a tax we checked him out. We didn’t turn up a great deal-there’s nothing now pending against him. But skipping to Nassau, with fifty grand in his pocket, sets up a risk for us that we simply can’t ignore.”

“Yes, Mr. Christopher, but what-?”

“I’m coming to it, Mrs. Medford. We collar him at the airport, count the cash he has on him, figure his tax from the tables, and impound it.”

“In the waiting room, or where?”

“In the Airport Police office. It’s downstairs from the main waiting room.”

“And after you’ve taken the money?”

“That’s all, we’re done. We give a receipt, of course. If he doesn’t like it he sues us in court.”

“You mean he’s free to go?”

“We have no objection, none at all.”

“But what I’m interested in is the Maryland Police-having him held long enough for them to come in and get him.”

“I see your point, but we can’t help you directly. However, if the Maryland Police got there while we’re working him over, if they knew where to come, to the Airport Police office-”

“You mean I should call them about it?”

“If we’re all in sync, we don’t actually work together, but the result will be the same.”

“I see. I see. Then-thank you.”

“Wait a minute, not so fast.”

He and Mr. Schwartz whispered, and then Mr. Schwartz asked: “You know this man, Mrs. Medford?”

“I met him once, yes.”

“You know his lady friend?”

“Not even by name, no. But Tom here, he’s seen her. And he knows Lacey as well, much better than I do.”

“All right, then.” To Tom: “You can finger him for us, and her. She’s important, because the possibility that we would be there must have occurred to him, and letting her handle the briefcase would be a simple way out-if we get him, she can slip away.”

“He’d have to trust her for that,” Tom said.

“Not at all,” said Mr. Schwartz, grinning, but the way a cat grins at a mouse. “He just has to hand her the bag and tell her to take it onto the plane for him. He doesn’t have to say what’s in it.”

“That’s why we need you there,” Mr. Christopher insisted. “If he doesn’t have the case we can grab her, and impound the tax that way.”