Colin Cotterill - Thirty-Three Teeth

“Doubt it. I didn’t ask them. But I certainly did. I went out to the lane and looked up the end of it. And I see him standin’-”

“For the court’s benefit, would you be kind enough to give us a name? For the records.”

Actually this wasn’t a trial and there wasn’t a stenographer, so there were no records, but the judge certainly had a handle on the proceedings.

“Him. Dr. Siri Paiboun,” said the man. “He was standing down the end of the lane with a machete, and he was chopping away at the pole what holds up the government speaker.”

“The radio speaker?”

“That’s it.” “So, what did you do?”

“Do?”

“Yes. You had a gun. Did you try to stop him?”

“Yeah, of course. Well, no, not exactly stop him. It was too late. He’d cut a sizeable bite out of the pole, so when I went out it was already swaying back and forward. The wire was stretching till it was the only thing holding the pole up. Then it snapped and the whole lot come crashing down. The speaker got smashed to bits. It was total vandalistic desecration of government property; an act of treason against the great lprp.”

“So then what did you do?”

“Went back to bed. Nothing you can do at four in the morning. I reported it the next day, but the perpetrator had already fled the city in panic.”

“Thank you.”

Judge Haeng tapped his pencil loudly on the desk in front of him as he chewed over the facts. It annoyed everybody in the canteen. He finally looked up at Siri.

“Dr. Siri, these are indeed serious charges. Do you have anything to say?” Siri stood. “Doctor, this is a hearing, you don’t have to stand up.”

“I prefer to. If I may, I’d like to ask the witness one or two further questions.”

“Go ahead.”

“Now, sir. You say this dream you-”

“Dr. Siri!”

“Sorry, your honor … this scene you witnessed was at four a.m.”

“You know it was.”

“Just yes or no will do.”

“Yes,” Soth snarled.

“Well, as far as I can recall, the area around the radio post is overhung with large trees. On the ninth the moon was already quite full.”

“If you say so.”

“Then the trees must have cast quite a shadow. It would have been very difficult to identify a person standing there.”

“There’s nothing wrong with my eyes. I saw what I saw.”

“Just yes or no.”

“I saw you.”

“Even though the pole is … was fifty meters from your front gate?”

“I saw you.”

“I’m sure you saw something, sir. But you must agree that everything comes down to your eyesight.”

“It’s perfect.”

“Really? It wasn’t so perfect last night, was it?”

Civilai and Phosy exchanged a low-eyebrow glance. Judge Haeng stared quizzically at Siri.

“You think not?” the man said mockingly. “Well, it was good enough to see you. You think I didn’t see you?”

“You tell me.”

“I saw you all right, and I brought the evidence here. You think this kind of thing’s going to scare someone like me?”

He reached into his shoulder bag hooked over the back of the chair. Mr. Sounieng, the prosecutor, obviously wasn’t expecting any evidence. He shrugged toward the judge. Soth produced a small wooden image. It was porcupined with pins like a West Indian voudou doll.

“See, Judge?”

He held it up so that Haeng and the observers could get a good look at it.

“If this isn’t harassment of a key witness in a treason trial, I don’t know what is. He crept up and hung it off me front porch early this morning. I saw him.”

Haeng called for one of the guards to bring him the doll, even though he could have just reached out and got it himself. When it arrived, he studied it. It bore not the slightest resemblance to the witness.

“And you saw Dr. Siri hang it there this morning?”

“As clear as I see you, Your Honor.”

Of course, that was the end of the hearing. Siri was given back his belongings and allowed to go home. If the case hinged on the eyewitness, and the eye of the witness saw a man on his front porch who was actually under lock and key in the Sethathirat police station at the time, that had to be the end of the case. Even if one were convinced Siri had wielded the machete as most of the observers were, one would have to admit it was a thoroughly effective technicality. Even the witness was struck silent by its blow.

When Dtui-on her lunch break-arrived at the canteen, it was all over. Phosy filled her in with the details, and they had a cup of iced Chinese tea to toast the doctor’s survival.

“Of course, they’ll put up another pole,” Phosy said.

“Probably, but at least he’ll get a couple of weeks of peace.”

“I’m guessing he didn’t think it’d cause such a stink. He probably assumed the neighbors would be delighted and nobody’d report it.”

“I’m sure this has taught him a lesson. You have to love him, though, don’t you?”

“Certainly do.”

They sipped at their tea with smiles on their faces.

“Hot, isn’t it?”

“Damned hot.”

“Phosy?”

“What, Dtui?”

“Can I ask you something about the bear chase?”

“All right.”

“I know we convinced you that the killings were done by the bear.”

“Yes.”

“Well, I don’t think it’s the bear any more.”

“You think there’s something else running round biting big chunks out of people?”

“It’s all very odd. According to an expert, the marks aren’t from a bear’s teeth. They’re more likely to be from …”

“Go on.”

“A tiger.”

Phosy spat out the mouthful of tea he’d just taken and coughed a laugh to follow it.

“Really? So we now have a bear and a tiger and goodness knows how many other wild animals all running around Vientiane, and nobody’s seen any of them? What? Are they in disguise?”

“Right. It’s ridiculous, I know. But something’s killing people and if it isn’t the bear, what I want to know is what or who could be doing all this damage. If nobody’s seen an animal, it has to be a person. Phosy, I want to go to the islands on Nam Ngum Reservoir.”

“Whatever for?”

“Every convicted, known, or suspected murderer is locked up there. If it isn’t an animal doing these things, I want to know who could be capable of it.”

“There are two things you’re forgetting, Nurse Dtui.”

“What?”

“One, I’m a policeman, and you-and I’m not denigrating your calling-are a lab nurse. I investigate crimes. You look at pimples under a microscope. That’s the way of the world. If anyone were to go to Don Thao Jail, it would be me.”

“Great. When you going?”

“Second, if your killer were in Don Thao Jail, he’d be in Don Thao Jail. Anyone who got over the wall, got past the trigger-happy guards, and avoided the mines would doubtless drown on the swim to the mainland. And then there’s the teeth. Wouldn’t he have to have a mouth the size of a wok to keep those teeth in? What about that little problem?”

“I just look at pimples. You’re the investigator. That’s for you to work out. So?” “So?”

“Are you going? If you don’t, I will.”

Phosy blew out an exasperated breath.

“I tell you what. I’ll save us both a trip. There’s a man we can go and see right here in Vientiane who probably knows the crazies on the islands better than they know themselves.”

“Groovy. Let’s go.”

“Not so fast. He won’t be around till this evening. Anyway, shouldn’t you be at the morgue?”

“No problem. My boss just escaped a firing squad. I don’t think he’ll be coming in to work today.”

“When he does, I for one want to know how he pulled that Siri double trick.”