William Deverell - Kill All the Judges

So, okay, Whynet-Moir fetches me inside, makes a production of having prevailed on me to favour them with a few gems from my oeuvre, he called it. I give them something dense that I’m not sure even I understand; I was hammered when I wrote it. They pretend to like it, they applaud.

Then I let go with “Up Your Little Red Rosie, Rose,” a bawdy ballad that had the desired effect of clearing the house. As guests made for the door, they gushed thanks for the “delightful” evening, it was so “interesting.”

The judge and his wife were seeing people to their cars while the caterers bustled about, cleaning up. I topped up my cognac and went outside so I could savour my Romeo y Jiulieta while admiring their piss-elegant pool. It’s down the staircase, tunnelled into the natural rock. Farther back is a three-stall garage.

This should feel like paradise, man. I have a five-star cognac in one hand, a fifty-dollar cigar in the other, and a pending hot date with a gorgeous, affluential fan. We’re going to do a steam and a swim. Then she’s going to show me to my room.

But it’s paradise with a hitch. After I send Rafael to bed. Raffy, his pals call him, not Rafe, like a regular guy, but Raffy, and he’d been eyeing us slit-eyed across the table. He’s going to sleep like a baby, suspecting nothing?

Maybe it’s like they entered into an accommodation-she can’t get no satisfaction, so she’s got an unwritten licence to boff the occasional horny poet. Or maybe it’s something else. We’ll just have to find some way to get rid of him …

Raffy finally joins me on the deck, smiling, masking his irritation. I’d done what he asked, I read some gems from my oeuvre. He hadn’t read the reviews? I write “muscular, bawdy verse.”

“I’ve had your pack and your outerwear sent over to your room. Not too long a hike. Down to the pool level, then up those stairs beside the garage. The maid normally sleeps there, but she’s off tonight.”

This upper-class twit was banishing me to the servant’s quarters. A garret over the garage. You stuffed shirt, I was thinking, I’m really going to enjoy your wife.

“Well, no rush, enjoy your cigar.” Then calling: “Florenza, I think we should consider retiring.”

She was at the door taking care of the caterers, handing them envelopes with tips. “On my way, Rafael.”

He said to me, “It’s been a long day for us, and no doubt for you as well. I truly want to thank you for coming.”

“Hey, man, no problem.” I asked a few irrelevant questions, like when is breakfast normally served. I figured he’ll hang around longer if he worries I’ll burn the house down, so I tapped a long ash over the railing and dinched the cigar out.

After he toodles off, I go back in and grab the Hennessy bottle, still half full. I’ve got time to check out my quarters while she puts Raffy to bed. Maybe she’ll slip a sleeping pill into his glass of warm milk.

I investigated the pool, oval with a spring board at the deep end, vapour coming off it in the cold night air. Built into the rockface, like a cave, is what turned out to be the steam room, because when I fired up the timer by the glass door, I heard it burp and hiss.

My digs were neat as a pin but girlish, with fluffy animals. A firm mattress for which I was thankful-my back was aching-and an adjoining john, where I sat a long time, relieving my head more than anything else; it was spinning. I was pretty much in the bag by now, and I told myself to slow down, but I kept a grip on that cognac bottle.

I didn’t want to under-perform for Flo. However, and I’m not bragging, alcohol has never deprived me of the power of love, except when I pass out. Or because of penis exhaustion. I’m human.

I’m starting not to remember everything, but after I left I must’ve looked inside the garage, the side door wasn’t locked. I saw an Aston Martin and a Land Rover. Pause here, because about a hundred witnesses are going to say I took that Aston Martin into a tree. I haven’t the faintest fucking memory of being in that car, but I’m being honest here, I did see keys hanging on the garage wall.

Anyway, I returned to poolside, and in the dim light I could make out Flo skinning out of her little black thing. I’m almost choking on testosterone ogling her toned-up, drop-dead body, though, frankly, by now I’d have screwed a five-legged frog.

I sat on a bench, fumbling with my boot strings, and I can’t remember the words, but I casually asked about Raffy. She said he’s probably in bed. Probably.

She opened the steam-room door, and I watched her little apple-cheek fanny disappear into the mist. I smelled of lust and rancid butter, so I went under the outdoor shower before following her into that dark, hot cave. There was only a dim glow through the glass door. Everywhere, steam was hissing and belching. I expected Satan to emerge from the gloom.

“How hot do you like it?” came her voice.

I told her again I was more interested in knowing if this was cool. I wanted to ask if this went on a lot, her old man going to bed early while she fucks a stranger. I am reckless by nature, and tonight I was drunk, but her partner was a judge. You don’t shag a judge’s wife without dire consequences.

She goes, “Chill out.” Rafael wasn’t feeling well, she said, he doesn’t hold his wine too good. I thought, if he’s not well, he’s probably awake. I remember her next line clear: “I gave him something to help him sleep.”

I remember that because I had this premonition I’d be busted with a vial in my backpack that’ll analyze for arsenic.

It’s called paranoia, Cud. You’re being portrayed by the master; no one knows paranoia like Brian Pomeroy. It gets worse when you’re out of white lady, the paranoia lingers like a perpetual hangover. It’s been a week since supplies ran out. Seven days, and the itches and tics and twinges continue, like rats biting. But he could feel it peaking, he might just be able to rout the devils, get clean. Good thing he wasn’t addicted, the struggle would be hopeless.

The Need won’t cuff him any more product, that’s the snag. Brian’s bank account was empty, his credit cards maxed, and his draw from the office wasn’t due till mid-January, five days hence. He might have to rob a bank. He imagined himself in the clink, a family visit, Caroline and the kids crying.

Words reshaped themselves like crawling insects as he stared at his screen, page up, page up, finally locating Flo’s opener. “You changed my life…” This stank of implausibility. A more alluring plot: she was conniving to suck a yokel into her orbit, to serve as a stooge in a homicide set-up. “We’ll just have to find some way to get rid of him.” Would his protagonist actually have got so drunk as to have done her bidding? Just to get laid?

Or would she have done the dirty herself? How? And with what motive? This was a brainbuster in his weakened state. Toss it about , Widgeon demands. Okay, he tossed it about. For public consumption, Whynet-Moir and the heiress pose as the happy couple, but Florenza can’t get no satisfaction. She wants to dump her erotically challenged partner. (This collides with reality, of course, because in the confusing realm of non-fiction, Whynet-Moir had clearly shown himself a letch, making eyes at Caroline in court. And she looking boldly back.)

Back to the more comforting world of fiction. Flo lacks grounds for divorce. That’s a risky route anyway-Whynet-Moir could walk off with half her fortune. So she decides to fast-track her way to widowhood. Though the carefree ex-flower child might seem an unlikely manslayer, in fact she will diagnose as one of those charming, guilt-free sociopaths that infest society.