William Deverell - Kill All the Judges

You changed my life- that seemed like hoke. I figured she just wanted to bang me. There’s an image in Karmageddon of me eating hair pie, maybe that got to her, but I wasn’t sure it was me made her horny or if she was horny all the time. Her consort kind of answered that question when you saw him over there, tittering with the ladies in his overattentive way. You’ve got to figure Judge Whynet-Moir doesn’t have hair on his ass.

The cosmetic surgery victim to my right asked, “And when did you first decide to become a poet?”

“Madam,” I said, “I was born a poet. We are all born poets. Our first word is poetry. Ma-ma, da-da. Rhyme at its most basic but beautiful to a mother’s ear.” I was doing this mindless rap, with her hanging on every word. “You been there, eh, you got kids?”

“I have,” she said in a kind of heart-fluttery way while, from the other direction, toes were wiggling up my pant-leg.

I went on about how we have to dig through the garbage of our lives to rediscover the poetic talent God gave us at birth. “It got buried in organized religion and spreadsheets and ads for SUVs and all the other shit capitalism throws at you.”

She sat back; it was like I’d slapped her. As the waiter was topping up my Bordeaux, I was thinking I better pull in my ears, slow down. I’d promised my publisher I’d behave myself and not go around ticking off patrons of the arts.

I had to endure Mr. Sarcasm, Shiny Shoes, who was across from me, giving me this, “One of your claims to fame, I believe, involved some extended tree-sitting a couple of years ago.”

Entertain me, clown. Tell me a rollicking story. I said something back to him, I can’t remember. Before we got to the point of tangling asses, Whynet-Moir stood up to toast the celebrities. I drank along with everyone before remembering I wasn’t supposed to.

I got to admit there was a certain class anger at work here. This is how the rich live. Cooked to, catered to, and coddled, while my folks spent their whole lives on the wrong side of the tracks in a depressed mining town and could barely afford pork and beans. And I felt even shittier because I’d been given the role of royal jester, I was being used, patronized, and the hostess planned to use me as her fuck-servant.

And I was willing .

Flo was getting bolder with each refill of her wine-her fingers were no longer grazing, they were sliding up my thigh. I whispered, “Is this cool? I hope your old man doesn’t keep a loaded Magnum in a drawer.”

She came close, her breath hot in my ear. “Don’t worry, he’s a lousy shot.”

I don’t think she saw Whynet-Moir looking at us just then, while her hand was making contact through the fabric with a stiff and unyielding object. Man, she was bold. You ever had a stiff one get caught in your pant-leg? I didn’t want to wait until the book-signing, I wanted to fuck her right then, wanted to get down on the floor with her and fuck her while everybody else wiped gravy from their chins.

But as I was sitting there toughing it out, things got really awkward: Flo caught one of her rings in my zipper. She tugged, and it wouldn’t come free.

Today’s pop-up from Horace Widgeon: Do not over-embellish your main suspect. The experienced mystery reader, aware that too many fingers of suspicion are pointed at some blackguard, will invariably dismiss him from contention, thus narrowing the field in the great battle of wits between writer and reader.

What was the secret message? Did Widgeon suspect that Cuddles was innocent, that the real murderer lurked elsewhere? Brian can see why Widgeon feels sympathy for Cud. He’s human, he has feelings, though he lets the little head do most of his thinking. Under a thin shell of braggadocio, he seems kind of scared. When you go over his story carefully, as Brian had, capturing the hidden essences, you start to wonder if Cud isn’t telling the truth-maybe Florenza was coming on like a ballistic missile.

It wasn’t right that Cud found himself in such a pickle. Brian would feel terrible if this working-class hero went down for killing Rafael Whynet-Moir, so he’ll dry out, he’ll pull out the stops.

He’d researched Florenza LeGrand, googled her: a teenaged delinquent, a runaway, her parents had to pull her out of an Oregon ashram and deprogram her. A few years later, she got busted in Guadalajara, shacked up with a Mexican dope dealer. It cost mucho dinero for her parents to repatriate her. They plunked her into an elite New England college that doubles as a finishing school. Marriage to the polished, worldly Rafael Whynet-Moir would straighten her out, everyone said.

Reminder: he must ask Special Prosecutor Abigail Hitchins if Florenza remains uncooperative. He must respond to Abigail, whose recorded messages have grown caustic and rude.

Enough of abstinence. He chopped up a snifter. It’s just a party drug, an ice cream habit, coke light, a little fizz to perk him up when worries get him down. He should go out to score another gram, but the thin man was always there, the stalker. Was he to be feared? Were he an assassin, Brian would be dead by now. The man had some business with the author, but what?

Brian’s neighbourhood ATM had turned against him, cancelled their friendship. He’d had to cash in his RRSPs to buy gifts for Caroline and the kids. Flowers for her, roses of love and repentance. Yesterday, Santa’s sleigh-a rip-off artist’s two-ton van-delivered to the backyard a three-thousand-dollar haunted playhouse.

Rubbing his nose, he studied the slumped rider with two arrows in his back. Funny how he looked just like Cud.

The Mormon Tabernacle Choir was coming through the wall, three ships a-sailing in from Room 303. From some nearby slum apartment, children being threatened in song, Santa’s gonna see if they’ve been naughty or nice. In Cantonese. Add to this cacophony: a busker pounding bongos outside. “Books! Books! Books!” Christmas fucking morning at the Ritz.

He was disappointed in April Fan Wu. He’d asked her out for Christmas dinner.

“That might not be a good idea under the circumstances.”

“My circumstances are that I am divorced.”

“My circumstances are that I left Hong Kong to escape from a boss who wanted to have sex with me.”

Brian felt aggrieved that she assumed he, too, was so inclined.

“I’m sorry, but I have plans to be with my partner.”

“I didn’t know you had a boyfriend.”

“She isn’t a boyfriend.”

He’d have looked up one of his ex-illicit-lovers, but he’d lost touch with them. All but Abigail Hitchins, who had gone from promiscuous label whore to machisma-pumping ultra-feminist. She was probably a lesbian now too. That’s what they do.

Brian hadn’t been with a woman since Roseanne. Affairs didn’t seem like fun any more, not since he got divorced; they lacked edge, the sense of illicit adventure. Were Caroline to have him back, he’d never stray, he’s learned his lesson. He will congratulate her for her prize for Sour Memories . He’ll even finish reading it.

It isn’t much consolation, but life is even more difficult for Cuddles.

Not only was her ring snagged on my fly, she couldn’t get it off her finger either-there wasn’t wriggle room. And her old man was starting to look at us sideways, maybe wondering why his wife was eating her dessert left-handed. I was rattled-it’s not like we could casually rise and say, Excuse us, we had a bizarre accident.

The ring, which was gold with an opal, by the way, on her middle finger, got snagged on that little deal you use to pull the zipper up. Its end had broken off. So she whispers, “Fuck, do something.” I scoop a patty of butter and work it around her finger, which finally slides free, and by now I have a boner like the spire of St. Mary’s.