Lindsey Davis - Time to Depart

The stairs ended outside in a dim nook under two columns that had once made a portico. The rest of this row of columns had long ago fallen down and vanished; it was best not to think about what was happening to the parts of the building they had been meant to support. Now most of the frontage was open, allowing free encroachment ftom Lenia's laundry. She had the whole ground floor, which according to her included what passed for a pavement and half the dusty road in Fountain Court. Just now her staff were doing the main morning wash, so warm, humid air hit me as I reached the street. Several rows of soaking togas and tunics hung nicely at face height, ready to slap at anyone who tried to leave the building on lawful business.

I went inside to be neighbourly. The sweet smell of urine, which was used for bleaching togas, met me like an old acquaintance I was trying to avoid. I had not seen Lenia yet, so when someone else shrieked my name she thrust herself out from the steamy hubbub like some disreputable sand beetle heaving its way above ground. She had armfuls of crumpled garments crushed against her flopping bosom, her chin balanced on top of the smelly pile. Her hair was still an unconvincing red; after the sophisticated henna treatments of the East, it looked hideously brash. The damp air had stuck her long tunic to parts of her body, producing an effect that did little for a man of the world like me.

She staggered towards me with an affectionate cry of, 'Look! Something nasty's blown in with the road dust!'

'Aphrodite rising from the washtub, sneezing at the wood ash!'

'Falco, you rat's bum.'

'What's new, Lenia?' I answered breezily.

'Trade's bad and the weather's a menace.'

'That's hardly new. Have I missed the wedding?'

'Don't make me angry!' She was betrothed to Smaractus, a business arrangement. (Each craved the other's business.) Lenia's contempt for my landlord exceeded even mine, though she had a religious respect for his money. I knew she had carried out a meticulous audit before deciding Smaractus was the man of her dreams. Lenia's dreams were practical. She really intended to go through with it apparently, for after the conventional cursing she added, 'The wedding's on the 'Calends of November. You're invited so long as you promise to cause. a fight with the nut boys and to throw up on his mother.' I've seen some sordid things, but the idea of my landlord having a mother set me back somewhat. Lenia saw my look and laughed harshly. 'We're going to be desperate for entertainment at this party. The arrangements are driving me mad, Falco. I don't suppose you would read the omens for us?'

'Surely you need a priest?'

Lenia shrieked with outrage. 'I wouldn't trust one of those sleazy buggers! Don't forget I've washed their underwear. I'm in enough trouble without having my omens mucked up. You're a citizen. You can do it if you're prepared to be a par.

'A man's duty is to honour the gods for his own household,' I intoned, suddenly becoming a master of informed piety.

'You're scared of the job.'

'I'm just trying to get out of it.'

'Well, you live in the same building.'

'No one ever told me it meant peering into a sheep's liver for the damned landlord! That's not in my lease.'

'Do it for me, Falco!'

'I'm not some cranky Etruscan weather forecaster.' I was losing ground. Lenia, who was a superstitious article, looked genuinely anxious; my old friendship with her was about to take its toll. 'Oh I'll think about it. I told you from the start, woman, you're making a big mistake.'

'I told you to mind your own,' quipped Lenia, in her brutal, rasping voice. 'I heard you were back from your travels – though this is the first time you've bothered to call on me!'

'Having a live-in.' I managed to beat her to a leering grin.

'Scandalous bastard! Where've you been to this time, and was there profit in it?'

'The East. And of course not.'

'You mean you're too tight to tell me.'

'I mean I'm not giving Smaractus any excuse to bump my rent up!' That reminded me of something. 'This deadly dump is getting too inconvenient, Lenia. I'll have to find somewhere more salubrious to live.'

'Oh Great Mother!' Lenia exclaimed immediately. 'He's pregnant!'

Taken aback by the shrewdness of her guesswork, I blushed-losing any chance of disguising my plight. 'Don't be ridiculous,' I lied as brazenly as possible. 'I know how to look after myself.'

'Didius Falco, I've seen you do a lot of stupid things.' That was true. She had known me since my bachelor days. 'But I never thought you'd be caught out in the old way!'

It was my turn to say mind your own business, and Lenia's to laugh seditiously.

I changed the subject. 'Does your slimy betrothed still own that decrepit property across the court?'

'Smaractus never disposes of a freehold.' He never bothered to redevelop a wrecked tenement either. As an entrepreneur, Smaractus was as dynamic as a slug. 'Which property, Falco?'

'The first-floor spread. What's he call it? "Refined and commodious self-contained apartment at generous rent; sure to be snapped up." You with me?'

'The dump he's been advertising on my wall for the past four years? Don't be the fool who does snap it up, Falco. The refined and commodious back section has no floor.'

'So what? My shack upstairs hardly has a roof. I'm used to deprivation. Mind if I take a look at the place?'

'Do what you like,' sniffed Lenia. 'What you see is all there is. He won't do it up for you. He's short of loose change.'

'Of course. He's getting married!' I grinned. 'Old Smaractus must be spending every day of the week burying his money bags in very deep holes in faraway fields in Latium. If he's got any sense, he'll then lose the map.'

I could tell Lenia was on the verge of advising me to jump down the Great Sewer and close the manhole after me, but we were interrupted by a more than usually off-putting messenger.

It was a grubby little girl of about seven years, with large feet and a very small nose. She had a scowling expression that I immediately recognised as similar to my own. She was one of my nieces. I could not remember which niece, though she definitely came from the Didius tribe. She looked like my sister Galla's offspring. They had a truly useless father, and apart from the eldest, who had sensibly left home, they were a pitiful, struggling crew. Someone had hung one of those bull's-testicle amulets around this one's neck to protect her from harm, though whoever it was had not bothered to teach her to leave her scabs alone or to wipe her nose.

'Oh, Juno,' rasped Lenia. 'Take her out of here, Falco. My customers will think they'll catch something.'

'Go away,' I greeted the niece convivially.

'Uncle Marcus! Have you brought us any presents?'

'No.' I had done, because all my sisters' children were in sore need of a devoted, uncomplicated uncle to ruin their characters with ridiculous largesse. I couldn't spoil only the clean and polite ones, though I had no intention of letting the other little brats think me an easy touch. Anyone who came and asked for their ceramic Syrian camel with the nodding head would have to wait a week for it.

'Oh Uncle Marcus!' I felt like a heel, as she intended. 'Cut the grizzling. Listen, what's your name – '

'Tertulla,' she supplied, without taking offence.

'What are you after, Tertulla?'

'Grandpa sent me.'

'Termites! You haven't found me then.'

'It's urgent, Uncle Marcus!'

'Not as urgent as scratching your elbow – I'm off!'

'He said you'd give me a copper for finding you.'

'Well he's wrong.' Needing to argue more strongly, I had to resort to blackmail. 'Listen, wasn't yesterday the Ides?' One good thing about helping Petronius at Ostia was that we had missed the Festival of the October Horse – once a savage carnival and horse race, now just a complete mess in the streets. It was also the end of the official school holidays. 'Shouldn't you be starting school now? Why are you loose today?'