Janet Evanovich - Twelve Sharp

Ranger grabbed a beer and a roast beef sandwich.

'It's too bad this guy is crazy,' Ranger said. 'He's not stupid. And he has good instincts. If he was even the slightest bit sane, I'd hire him.'

Ranger took his beer and sandwich into the living room and turned the television on. He slouched on the couch and surfed until he found local news. His picture came up and then Carmen's. The anchor read a short clip about the viewing and the fact that there was still an alert for the missing child.

Ranger sunk lower into the couch. 'They said I was armed and dangerous.'

'Yeah,' I said. 'They got that right.'

Ranger crooked an arm around my neck and kissed me at my hairline.

'I talked to Rachel this afternoon,' Ranger said. 'She's falling apart. She had to be sedated after they showed her the hair scrunchie. I know this isn't my fault, but I feel responsible. I wish I could do more.'

'It looks to me like you have every resource available to you working to find Julie. I don't know what more anyone could do.'

'I feel guilty sitting here.'

'Make the most of it. In a half hour you'll be following me around again. I'm determined to get Caroline Scarzolli. I'm going to jump her when she closes the store tonight.'

'I think you should go shopping first. I like when you bring all that kinky stuff home.'

I walked out the back door alone, but I knew Ranger was watching. He'd gotten a ten-minute head start on me and was waiting to follow me to Elm and Twelfth where I'd hook up with Lula. Tank was there too. And God knows who else. Bad enough I was going to look like a moron running down Caroline Scarzolli… now I was going to do it in front of Ranger and his men.

I didn't get any warning phone calls, so I assumed the only people following me were good guys. I saw Lula's red Firebird parked on Elm. I pulled up behind her and got out of the Mini. I had cuffs tucked into the waistband on my jeans, and a stun gun and pepper spray stuffed into my two back pockets.

'Looks like you're loaded for bear,' Lula said.

'I just want to get this over and done.'

'I hope you know this is probably gonna ruin it for me to go shopping here. And I was starting to like this store.'

'Are you ready?'

'Sure I'm ready,' Lula said. And she hauled a Glock out of her handbag.

'Caroline Scarzolli is a first-time shoplifter,' I said. 'You can't shoot her.'

'Every time we see her she pulls a gun on us.'

'I don't care. You can't shoot her. That's the rule.'

'Boy, who died and made you boss?'

'I've always been the boss.'

'Hunh,' Lula said. 'I was just gonna scare her anyway.'

'From what I've seen so far, it's going to take more than you and me and that gun to scare her. This time we're going to try surprising her.'

We walked to where we could look into the store from the opposite side of the street. We were partially hidden behind a panel van, and we could see Scarzolli moving around, doing nothing. At five of eight she started to go through the closing ritual, and Lula and I crossed the street and hid in the narrow alley separating the store from the neighboring business.

The front lights went out, and we heard the door open and close and the dead bolt get thrown. I peeked around the corner and saw that Scarzolli was walking in the wrong direction. She was walking away from us. I popped out from the alley and tiptoed after her, closing the gap. She sensed I was there, turned and uttered an oath, and took off at a fast shuffle. I was almost within arm's reach of her when Tank stepped out of a shadow, blocking her way.

'Excuse me, m'am,' Tank said.

Scarzolli backed up a step and kicked Tank in the nuts. Hard to believe anyone that old could get her leg up that high, but Scarzolli scored a direct hit. Tank turned white and went down to his knees, hands at his crotch. Ranger was behind him, doubled over laughing.

I tackled Scarzolli and wrestled her to the ground. 'Someone friggin' cuff her!' I yelled.

'I'm trying,' Lula said. 'You gotta hold her still. She's like a octopus, waving her arms and legs around.'

I had at least ten pounds on Scarzolli, and I used my weight to pin her. I saw Ranger's denim-clad legs straddle us both, saw his hands reach over and attach a cuff to Scarzolli's one wrist, and then the other. He was still smiling wide when he lifted me off Scarzolli and got me up on my feet.

'I can always count on you to brighten my day,' Ranger said.

'You just liked seeing Tank get kicked in the nuts.'

'Yeah,' Ranger said on a whisper of laughter. 'That was worth the ticket.'

Tank was up, trying to walk it off.

'Hope you didn't permanently damage anything,' Lula said to him. 'I always had an attraction to you.'

'Most women don't like me,' Tank said. 'On account of I'm too big.'

'I'm not most women,' Lula said. 'I could handle a big man. I like them big. The bigger, the better, is what I say.'

Scarzolli was still on the ground. She was making angry cat sounds, and she kicked out with her feet when anyone came near her.

'It's just a crappy first-time shoplifting charge,' I said to her. 'Get a grip.'

Ranger got her under the armpits, dragged her to the green SUV, and eased her into the back seat.

'Take her to the station,' he said to Tank. 'Bring her around to the back door. Stephanie will follow you in.'

'I'll leave my car here and go with you,' Lula said to Tank. 'The crazy old lady might get out of control, and you might need some help. And after we drop her off, we could go get a burger or something.'

'I'm supposed to watch Stephanie,' Tank said.

'Don't worry about it,' Ranger said. 'I'll take care of Stephanie.'

It was a little after ten when I finally walked into my apartment. No sign of Ranger, so I called Morelli while I waited.

'Long time no see,' Morelli said.

'Miss me?'

'No. Joyce Barnhardt is here with her trained dogs.'

'You're not going to get me going on that one. You hate Joyce Barnhardt.'

'Yeah, but Bob might like the dog part,' Morelli said.

'I just took down the old lady who runs the porn shop on Twelfth. Tank tried to help me, and she kicked him in the nuts.'

'I'm sorry I missed it. I'm not being sarcastic either. I'm really sorry I missed it. I assume you've got a full contingent of Ranger's Merry Men watching your back.'

'Yep. Mostly I pick up vigilantes, but we think Scrog followed me for a while this afternoon.'

'Ranger called it in to me, and we determined the car was stolen. I reached the parking garage shortly after Ranger. Scrog slipped through my fingers too.'

'Will you be at Carmen's viewing tomorrow?'

'Yeah. We've called in the National Guard to help with crowd control.'

'You haven't!'

'No, but we probably should. I was getting ready to go to bed,' Morelli said. 'I don't suppose you want to join me?'

'That would be nice, but I have to stay here and hope there's an attempt made to kidnap me.'

'Other men have girlfriends with safe normal jobs,' Morelli said. 'Like swallowing swords and getting shot out of a cannon.' And he hung up.

Ranger walked in and caught me with my head in the refrigerator.

'The food fairy left sandwiches, salad, fresh fruit, bagels and cream cheese and lox from Nova Scotia. But no dessert,' I told Ranger.

'I don't eat dessert.'

'Yes, but it's my refrigerator.'

Ranger removed the gun he'd been wearing and placed it on the kitchen counter beside his car keys. 'I'll pass the word to Ella.'

I nuked a bag of microwave popcorn and dumped it into a bowl. 'I talked to Morelli. He said you brought him in to help tail Scrog this afternoon. That was very classy.'