Janet Evanovich - Ten Big Ones

Morelli slung an arm around me. 'Dinner wasn't that bad.'

'My sister talked cuddle umpkins to Kloughn for two hours, my mother and grandmother cried every time someone mentioned the wedding, Mary Alice whinnied nonstop, and the baby threw up on you.'

'Yeah, but aside from that-'

'Not to mention, Grandma got completely snookered and passed out at the table.'

'She was the smart one.' Morelli said.

'You were the hero.'

'I wouldn't actually have shot him,' Morelli said. 'Not to kill, anyway.'

'My family is a disaster!'

Morelli grinned. 'I've called you Cupcake for as long as I can remember, but I'm rethinking it after listening to the two hours of cuddle umpkins.'

'Just exactly what is a human-type cupcake?'

'It's like a cream puff but not as squishy. It's dessert. It's soft and sweet… and it's good to eat.'

The eating part gave me a rush that went straight to my doodah.

Morelli kissed me just below my earlobe and told me a few things about the right way to eat a cupcake. When he got to the part about licking the icing off the top, my nipples shrunk to the size and hardness of steel ball bearings.

'Boy, I'm really tired,' I said. 'Maybe we should be thinking about going to bed.'

'Good idea, Cupcake.'

I've been living with Morelli for several months now, and it's been surprisingly easy. We still like each other, and the magic hasn't gone out of the sex. Hard to imagine it ever would with Morelli. He's nice to my hamster, Rex. He doesn't expect me to make him breakfast. He's neat without being freaky about it. And he remembers to close the lid on the toilet… most of the time. What more can you ask from a man?

Morelli lives on a quiet street in a small, pleasant house he inherited from his Aunt Rose. The house mirrors my parents' house and every other house on Morelli's street. When I look out his bedroom window I see neatly parked cars and two-story redbrick attached town houses with clean windows. There are small trees and small shrubs in small yards. And behind the front doors are frequently large people. Food is good in Trenton.

The bedroom window in my apartment looks out at a blacktop parking lot. The apartment building was constructed in the seventies and is totally lacking in charm and amenities. My interior decorating style is one step away from college dorm. Decorating takes time and money. And I have neither.

So it's a mystery why I would miss my apartment, but the truth is, sometimes I felt homesick for the depressing mustard and olive-green bathroom, the hook in the entrance area where I hang my jacket, the cooking smells and television noise from the neighboring apartments.

It was nine in the morning and Morelli was off, ridding the city of bad guys, protecting the populace. I rinsed my coffee cup and set it in the dish drain. I tapped on Rex's cage and told him I'd be back. I hugged Bob and told him to be good and not eat any chairs.

After I hugged Bob I had to use the lint roller on my jeans. I was rollering my jeans when the doorbell bonged.

'Howdy,' Grandma Mazur said when I answered the door. I was out for a walk, and I was in the neighborhood, so I thought I'd stop by for a cup of coffee.'

'That's a long walk.'

'Your sister came over first thing with her laundry, and the house got real crowded.'

'I was just going out,' I told Grandma. 'I have some people to pick up this morning.'

'I could help! I could be your assistant. I'd be good at it. I can be real scary when I try.'

I grabbed my shoulder bag and denim jacket. 'I don't actually need anybody scary, but you can ride along if you want. My plan is to stop at the office to say hello. And then I'm going to get Sally so he can reschedule.'

Grandma followed me out the front door, to the curb. This sure is a pip of a car,' Grandma said, taking the Buick in. 'I feel like one of them old-time gangsters when I ride in this car.'

I feel poor when I ride in the car, since I'm the one buying the gas. No car in the history of the world guzzled gas better than the Buick.

Lula was at the door when I parked in front of the bonds office.

'Don't bother trying to get that boat docked just right,' she said.

'We got an emergency call. Remember the chip lady? Well, she's having some kind of a breakdown. Connie just got off the phone with the chip lady's sister, and Connie said we should go over there and see what's happening.'

Sometimes part of my job falls under the category of preventive care. If you know something's going wrong in a bondee's life it's best to check in with him from time to time rather than wait for him to flee.

'Hell-o,' Lula said, peeking in the car window. 'We got Grandma on board.'

'I'm helping Stephanie this morning,' Grandma said. 'What's a chip lady?'

'Its some woman held up a Frito-Lay truck,' Lula said. 'And then she ate the chips.'

'Good for her,' Grandma said. 'I've always wanted to do that.'

Lula climbed into the back seat. 'Me, too. You read those adult magazines and they're always talking about sex fantasies, but I say chip fantasies are where it's at.'

'I wouldn't mind combining them,' Grandma said. 'Suppose you had some good-looking naked man feeding you the chips.'

'No way,' Lula said. 'I don't want to be distracted by no man when I'm eating chips. I'd rather have dip. Just get out of my way when I see the chips and dip.'

'It's good you have priorities,' Grandma said.

'Know thyself,' Lula replied. 'Someone famous said that. I don't remember who.'

I took Hamilton to Klockner, passed the high school in Hamilton

Township, and turned into Cantell's neighborhood. A woman was standing on Cantell's front porch. She took a startled step back when she saw the three of us emerge from Big Blue.

'Guess she's never seen a '53 Buick before,' Grandma said.

'Yeah,' Lula said, hitching up her fuchsia and black animal print spandex pants. I'm sure that's it.'

I approached the porch and handed the woman my business card. 'Stephanie Plum.'

'I remember you,' the woman said. 'You had your picture in the paper when you burned the funeral home down.'

'It wasn't my fault.'

'It wasn't my fault either,' Grandma said.

I'm Cindy, Carol's sister. I know she's been having a hard time so I called her this morning. Just checking in, you know? And as soon as I heard her I knew something was wrong. She didn't want to talk on the phone, and she was real secretive. So I came over here. I only live two blocks away. She wouldn't answer her door when I knocked, so I went around back and that door was locked, too. And the shades are all drawn. You can't see into the house at all.'

'Maybe she just wants to be alone,' Lula said. 'Maybe she thinks you're nosey.'

'Stick your ear to the window,' Cindy said. Lula put her ear to the front window.

'Listen real close. What do you hear?'

'Uh oh,' Lula said. 'I hear the crinkle of a chip bag. I hear crunching.'

'I'm afraid she's held up another truck!' Cindy said. 'I didn't want to call the police. And I didn't want to call her ex-husband. He's a real jerk. If I'd been married to him, I'd be a little nutty, too. Anyway, I remembered Carol saying how nice you all were, so I thought maybe you could help.'

I rapped on the front door. 'Carol. It's Stephanie Plum. Open the door.'

'Go away.'

'I need to talk to you.'

'I'm busy.'

'She's going to jail,' Cindy wailed. 'She's a habitual offender. They're going to lock her up and throw away the key. She's a chip junky. My sister's an addict!'

'We don't want to get carried away with this,' Lula said. 'Last I looked, Fritos weren't on the list of controlled substances.'

'Maybe we should shoot the lock off the door,' Grandma said.

'Hey, Carol,' I yelled through the door. 'Did you rob another Frito-Lay truck?'