Janet Evanovich: Smokin Seventeen

It was less shocking to know that most of the residents were drugged out deadbeats, crackhead hookers, dope dealers, gangbangers, and homicidal maniacs. If I had to go after an FTA on this part of Stark, I usually asked Ranger for help.

Ranger was a bounty hunter working for Vinnie when I first met him. He has his own security firm now, but he still does the occasional felon apprehension. He’s my mentor, my friend, and my onetime lover. He’s the guy I go to when I need professional help. I’m all in favor of women holding their own in the workplace, but I don’t have a death wish. Ranger is a far better bounty hunter than I could ever hope to be. And if I was being honest about it, sometimes I went to Ranger just because I liked working with him.

“You going back to the office?” Lula asked.

“Yeah. I thought I’d check in and then head home.”

“I got a plan,” Lula said. “I’m going to the mall, and I’m gonna get a feather boa to match this new sparkly outfit I was gonna wear tonight. A feather boa will dress it up better than a scarf. And then I can get undressed all except for the boa. I could work the boa into my whole routine of seduction, and my neck’ll be covered.”

“You have a routine of seduction?”

“Yeah, well you know I was a professional, and I still got moves.”

I didn’t want to think too hard about Lula and her moves. On the one hand it was way too much information. On the other hand I felt inadequate. My big move was to get out of my underpants without snagging my foot and falling on my face.

I followed the cross street to Hamilton and turned toward the bonds office. Minutes later I parked behind Mooner’s bus. Morelli’s car was angle-parked in front of the bus, and Morelli was standing in the middle of the field.

“That is one fine man,” Lula said, looking at Morelli. “I don’t know what your problem is. I wouldn’t have any trouble saying yes to him. I’d say yes to whatever he was askin’.”

I had to admit, he was definitely fine.

Lula cut her eyes to me. “So when was the last time you two got busy?”

“A while ago.”

“So why’s that?”

“It’s complicated.”

“Hunh,” Lula said.

When Lula said hunh like that it indicated total disgust.

“Okay,” I said, “it’s because I’m confused. I’m having commitment issues.”

“You mean you can’t choose between Morelli and Ranger. I’m telling you, girl, you know what you gotta do. You gotta have a bake off, a throw down, a love fest. Hell, just ask them if they want to go head-to-head in the sack and see what they say. You’d be doing them a favor on account of you’d be makin’ up your mind. And then just for the heck of it, maybe you can throw in that guy Dave that your mom likes.”

I cut my eyes to Lula. “You can’t be serious.”

“Damn skippy I’m serious.”

“Something to consider,” I said.

“While you’re considering you might want to do something about Krakatoa. Like if you put a little teeny skirt on that barely covers your doodah, no one’s ever gonna look at your face. And on top of that it gives a man incentive to be real nice to you.”

“Words of wisdom.”

“You bet your ass,” Lula said. “I’m going into the bus now before Mr. Titty’s ghost creeps up around me.”

I didn’t have a sense of Mr. Titty’s ghost, so I went over to say hello to Morelli.

“What going on?” I asked him.

“I’m trying to get a grip on this. The forensic guys think Lou was buried within twenty-four hours of his disappearance.”

“Cause of death?”

“Looks like broken neck.”

“Gina Giovichinni said Lou had a big business deal go south just before he disappeared. Word was he had travel plans.”

“I’ve heard that rumor,” Morelli said. “So far I haven’t been able to get any details.”

“How about Mrs. Lou?”

“Mrs. Lou would be the last to know anything,” Morelli said. “She’s been in a self-induced Xanax coma for years.”

“Have you tried talking to her?”

“Yeah. It was painful. And unproductive.”

I realized Morelli was staring at my forehead.

“It’s a pimple,” I told him.

Morelli grinned. “I hadn’t noticed, but now that you mention it.”

“Liar.”

“Fortunately for you I know the perfect cure for a pimple of that magnitude. Sweaty gorilla sex. Lots of it.”

“I got this from your crazy grandmother. She gave me the eye, and she said I was going to get boils!”

“Cupcake, there’s no such thing as the eye. And that’s not a boil. It’s a monster pimple. It’s that time of the month, right?”

“Wrong!”

“Good to know,” Morelli said, slinging an arm around my shoulders, hugging me into him. “I have plans.”

“Where are we going to eat tonight?”

“It’s a surprise.”

“Pino’s?” I asked him.

“No.”

“Campiello’s?”

“No.”

“Sal’s Steak House?”

“No.”

Morelli wasn’t a surprise kind of guy. Maybe about doggy-style sex but that was it. So I was getting a weird feeling.

“Where are we eating tonight?” I asked him again.

Morelli blew out a sigh. “At my mom’s house. It’s my Uncle Rocco’s birthday.”

“No, no, no, no.”

“Oh man, I’m begging,” Morelli said. “I hate these parties. I’ll make a deal. You go with me, and I’ll give you a back rub.”

“No way. Your grandmother will be there, and she’ll put another curse on me.”

“Okay, a back rub and I’ll buy you a birthday cake.”

“No!”

Morelli looked down at me. Serious. “What’ll it take?”

“I’ll hook up with you after dinner. That’s the best I can offer.”

“Better than nothing,” he said. “Can I still give you a back rub?”

“Yes. Do I get the birthday cake?”

“No.” He looked over at the bonds bus. “Are you going in there?”

“Yes. I was going to take off for home, but I think I’ll touch base with Connie before I leave.”

“Try not to inhale the fumes coming off the upholstery and don’t eat anything he’s baking.” He pulled me close, kissed me, and whispered a couple innovations he was going to add to the back rub.

• • •

Connie was at her computer, Lula was sitting in a club chair, and Mooner was on the couch, working his way through an app on his cell phone when I swung into the bus.

“I can’t help thinking there was some significance to Lou Dugan getting buried on the bonds office property,” I said to Connie.

“I’ve wondered about that,” Connie said. “But I can’t think of a connection.”

“What about Vinnie? Did Vinnie have something going on with Dugan?”

“Vinnie was a regular at the titty bar before Lucille hooked him up to a leash and a choke collar, but I never got the feeling Vinnie and Dugan were friends or business partners.”

“Harry?”

“Don’t know about Harry,” Connie said. “He’s mostly a silent partner here. He puts the money up, so his son-in-law can be gainfully employed, but he doesn’t take much interest in the business.”

“Maybe Vinnie ran up a tab at the titty bar, and he didn’t want to pay it, so he offed Lou Dugan, and buried him in his backyard,” Lula said.

“It would work for me,” Connie said, “except I can’t see Vinnie digging a hole big enough to plant Dugan. Not a lot of muscle going on in that weaselly body. And Vinnie wouldn’t have left the ring on Dugan’s finger.”

“Maybe the killers were aliens, and they were following instructions from the mother ship,” Mooner said. “Like maybe they needed to do an anal probe. And you know, like, the ring might not have any value in another solar system.”