William Johnston - Max Smart and the Perilous Pellets

“Professor who, Max?”

“No, not Professor Who. Just plain ‘The Professor’. He has no last name. According to the fact sheet, The Professor joined the faculty of the school when he was a young man. His name then was The Assistant Professor.”

“Max…”

“Yes, 99?”

“Max, maybe his last name is ‘Professor,’ and his first name is ‘The’. Maybe when he was younger he used his middle name, ‘Assistant’. But then when he got the promotion he just dropped the middle name. That would explain-”

“99-if you don’t mind-”

“Sorry, Max.”

“To continue,” Max went on. “Since entering the school as a young man, The Professor has not been off the grounds. As a result, he has no personal knowledge of the changes that have occurred in the outside world. When he is told of those changes, he quite often scoffs. The Professor, in other words, rejects the present, and idolizes the past.”

“Max…”

“No more silly speculation on The Professor’s last name, 99.”

“No, Max. I just wanted to tell you that we’re getting close to the ground.”

Max looked down. “How do you like that!” he said disgustedly. “Somebody moved the school. We’re coming down outside the wall!”

“I don’t think anybody moved the school, Max. I think-”

“99, this is no time to argue details. Get ready to land!”

Max and 99 hit the ground simultaneously. 99 rolled gracefully and came up on her feet and began deflating her parachute, using the shroud lines. Meanwhile, Max rolled gracefully, but a bit too far, and came up standing on his head, after which he landed flat on his back. A second later, his parachute caught up with him and enveloped him. Max struggled to free himself of the yards of nylon cloth. The more he struggled, the more entangled he became.

“Max… are you all right?” 99 called.

“I’ll be with you in a second, 99. I’m repacking my chute.”

“From the inside, Max?”

“No one likes a needler, 99.”

“Sorry, Max.”

A moment later, Max crawled out from under the edge of the parachute. He got to his feet and dusted himself off. “Let that be a lesson to you, 99,” he said. “That was a perfect demonstration of how not to land a parachute. I hope you were paying attention.”

“I learned a lot, Max,” 99 nodded.

“Now then, on to the school,” Max said.

“Which way is it from here, Max? We landed so far away, I can’t see it.”

Max pointed upward. “It’s right below that helicopter,” he said. “Apparently the wind carried us off course. Shall we go, 99?”

They struck out through the underbrush, headed in the direction of the school.

“Max, why don’t we use the road?” 99 asked.

“A secret agent always approaches the objective through the underbrush, 99. Don’t you ever watch TV?”

“Max, couldn’t we use the road until we get a little closer? Then we could cut through the underbrush.”

Max halted and looked thoughtful. “I can’t think of any rule that that would violate,” he said finally. “We’ll do it.”

When they reached the road, they set out again in the direction of the school, using the hovering helicopter as a marker.

Max smiled. “Something very funny just occurred to me, 99,” he said.

“What’s that, Max?”

“I was just thinking that, although we haven’t even reached the school yet, already we’re drop-outs.”

“Pardon, Max?”

“We jumped out of the helicopter in parachutes,” Max explained. “We’re drop-outs.” He chuckled appreciatively.

“Wouldn’t that make us jump-outs, Max?”

“99, you don’t understand. It’s a play on words. Parachutes. School. Drop-outs.”

“But you said yourself that we jumped.”

“Never mind, 99.”

Soon the wall appeared. Once more, Max and 99 scrambled into the underbrush.

“There are guards everywhere,” Max said. “I would say, roughly, that it’s absolutely impossible to get inside the wall.”

“But, Max, we have to. The fate of Control depends on it.”

Max sighed. “Well, maybe something will come alone.”

“Max! Look! That’s it. Those two young men coming along the road.”

Max looked. “I knew something would come along,” he said. “It always does on TV.”

“They’re headed for the school, Max. And they’re walking along the road, in plain sight. That must mean that they’re expected, that they won’t have any trouble getting in.”

Max’s eyes narrowed. “If you’ll look closely, 99,” he said, “you’ll see that those young men are walking along the road in plain sight. I’d go so far as to guess that they’re expected, and won’t have any trouble getting in.”

“Max, I think you’re right.”

“What else do I think, 99?”

“Max, I think you think that if we waylay them we can take their places and get inside the wall without any trouble!”

“99, I think what you think I think is right.”

As the two young men neared, Max and 99 pulled their pistols, then stepped out of the underbrush and confronted them.

“Greetings,” Max said. “On your way to the KAOS training school, are you, young men?”

The two young men exchanged glances. Then the tall one replied, “Are you the welcoming committee?”

“You might say that,” Max nodded. “Now, if you’ll just step into the underbrush…”

“Is it some kind of a fraternity initiation?” the shorter of the two young men asked.

“You might say that, too,” Max replied.

“You’re probably going to bind us and gag us and leave us out here in the underbrush,” the taller young man smiled. “That way, we’ll be late reporting to the school and we’ll be punished severely by the school authorities.”

“Yes, you might say-”

“Great gag on us!” the smaller of the young men guffawed.

“It is pretty funny,” Max smiled. “Now, will you step into the underbrush, please?”

Eagerly, the young men plunged into the underbrush.

“Bind and gag me first,” the taller of the young men said. “I’m taller than he is.”

“No, me first!” the shorter of the young men said. “He may be taller than I am, but I’m shorter than he is,”

“Now, now, let’s be fair about this,” Max said. “We’ll bind you and gag you both at the same time. I’ll bind and gag you,” he said to the tall one. “And, my cohort here will bind and gag you,” he said to the short one.

“Couldn’t it be the other way around?” the tall one said. “She looks like a faster binder and gagger than you.”

“Now look,” Max said irritably, “if we’re going to have a lot of bickering about this, we’ll just call the whole thing off.”

The two young men immediately fell silent.

Max and 99 bound and gagged them, then took their identification papers.

“According to this I.D.,” Max said, “I am now Ronald J. Macy, VII. Who are you, 99?”

“Arbuthnot L. Gimbel, Max.”

“Hmmm… no wonder they didn’t get along too well.”

Max and 99 returned to the road, leaving the two young men in the underbrush, and approached the gate. A guard raised his musket and ordered them to halt.

“Musket?” Max said.

“The Professor keeps us armed with the latest weapons,” the guard explained, examining Max’s and 99’s identification papers. “Next week we’re getting Bowie knives.”

“Are the papers all in order?” Max asked.

“They look fine,” the guard replied. “Except on this Gimbel, the sex is marked as ‘male’. That couldn’t be right. Could it?” he said to 99.

“Heavens, no,” 99 said.

“I didn’t think so,” the guard said. “You better have that changed.”