William Johnston - Missed It By That Much!

“I didn’t ask. Why don’t you talk to the girl, 99. She can probably answer your questions.” He took off his other shoe and handed it to 99. “You can use the extension,” he said.

99: Hello? What was it now about dance lessons?

Voice: Congratulations, Mrs. 86! You’ve-

99: No, no, I’m not Mrs. 86. I’m 99.

Voice: Congratulations, Mrs. 99! You’ve just won ten free dance lessons. And all it will cost you is three hundred and twenty-two thousand dollars.

99: Oh, well, that lets me out. I just couldn’t afford it.

Voice: Mr. 86? Are you still there? Do you have any friends who aren’t cheap?

Max: Miss, I’m afraid I’m going to have to hang up now. I think I mentioned that we’re being pursued by a pack of fear-stricken jungle animals.

Voice: Oh. Well, then, look, could you do me a favor? Put one of the animals on.

Max hung up and put his shoes back on.

“Max! Up ahead!” 99 said. “The bridge! The Peace Corpsmen must have rebuilt it!”

“And just in time,” Max said. “Apparently our luck hasn’t deserted us.”

As Max, 99 and Hassan rushed up to the bridge, they were met by the Peace Corpsmen. “How does it look?” the leader said proudly.

“Like it was built by a drop-out from the Massachusetts College of Dentistry,” Max replied. “Is it safe?”

“It must be,” the leader replied. “A bunch of people in flowing white robes just crossed it, and, after that, a bunch of followers, who were followed by their leader. It held them.”

“That’s good enough for me,” Max said. “99, Hassan-let’s go.”

“Max. . shouldn’t you tell them about the stampede?”

“Oh. . yes. Look, fellas,” Max said, “there’s something I think you ought to know. In a very few minutes, a pack of fear-stricken wild animals is going to come charging through here.”

“Nice of you to mention it,” the leader smiled.

“You’d better get out of here,” Max said.

“No, thank you, we’ll stay.”

“Fellas, I realize how dedicated you are,” Max said. “But isn’t this carrying dedication a bit too far?”

“It isn’t that,” the leader said. “You see, the only way to escape is across that bridge.”

“Yes. .?”

“We’d rather face a stampede of fear-stricken wild animals than risk our lives on a bridge built by a drop-out from the Massachusetts College of Dentistry,” the leader explained. “We figure our chances for survival will be better.”

Again, 99 tugged at Max’s sleeve. “Max. . the stampede is getting closer!”

“Coming, 99!”

The three rushed onto the bridge, headed for the opposite bank of the river. But as they reached the center of the span they heard a splintering sound. An instant later the bridge collapsed, and they hurtled downward toward the river.

“There’s a lesson in this, 99,” Max said. “Never cross a bridge that a bridge-builder won’t cross.”

“In my country, we have a saying,” Hassan said. “When the cuckoo flies west, it’s time for Polly to put the kettle on.”

“I don’t think I quite understand that, Hassan,” Max said.

“Polly is a girl who lives out West,” Hassan explained.

“Yes, I got that part of it. But the cuckoo?”

“Oh. She cooks cuckoos in a kettle.”

“Yes, I guessed that. But what I don’t get is the connection between Polly and cooked cuckoos and this bridge.”

“Any dumb dame who would be nutty enough to think she could get a cuckoo to fly into a kettle of boiling water would also be crazy enough to cross a bridge that a bridge-builder wouldn’t cross.”

“You see, 99,” Max said. “Sometimes at first these old sayings don’t seem to make sense. But if you examine them closely-”

At that instant they landed on something solid.

“The water’s a little hard in these parts,” Max complained.

“Max! We landed on the back of a hippopotamus!” 99 cried. “And, look, he’s swimming upstream! We’re saved!”

But the hippo immediately submerged. And Max, 99 and Hassan found themselves floundering in the water.

“We have a saying in our country,” Hassan groaned. “Never yell ‘We’re saved!’ when you’re riding on the back of a hippopotamus.”

“Max! We’re being swept toward the falls!” 99 cried.

“Lucky for us, 99! Because the crocodiles are bearing down on us from the other direction!”

A moment later, Max, 99 and Hassan were swept over the waterfall. They jumped to their feet and ran toward the opposite shore, and reached dry land just in time. For the stampeding animals had arrived at the river and were swimming across.

“Hassan, exactly how far is Provo, Utah, from here?” Max said.

“It doesn’t matter,” Hassan replied. “We’ll never make it.”

“He’s right, Max!” 99 wailed. “All is lost!”

“Hassan! 99! We can’t quit! Run!”

They dived into the underbrush. Behind them, once more, they heard the thunder of hoofs.

“Max! It’s too late!” 99 screamed. “We’ll be trampled-Max? Max, where are you?”

“Look down, 99.”

99 looked down. And saw Max looking up-from the bottom of a deep pit.

“Max. . isn’t that the pit we dug to trap Whitestone?”

“Yes, 99, I think it is. But it probably isn’t essential right now that we definitely identify the pit. Suppose it turned out that this isn’t the same pit? We would still be faced with the same problem-namely, getting me out of here.”

“Good thinking, Max. Here. . I’ll reach you my hand. Hassan,” she called, “hold onto me.”

99 reached a hand into the pit. Hassan held onto her.

And Max pulled them both into the pit with him.

“It didn’t work, Max,” 99 said.

“I wouldn’t exactly say that, 99. It worked. It just didn’t work in the way we had planned.”

“We have a saying in my country,” Hassan said. “Oi! What a development!”

“Yes, it’s a pretty kettle of fish, all right,” Max said. “In a very few minutes, those wild animals are going to come charging through here, fall into this pit, and land right on top of us. Our pretty kettle of fish is going to be a pretty pit of lions, tigers, elephants, jackals, and hippopotamuseseses.”

“Max, maybe there’s still time to escape,” 99 said. She made a cup of her hands. “I’ll give you a boost up-the way we did it last time.”

“99, that was the last time. This time, I think it would be proper to observe the niceties. Ladies first. I’ll give you a boost up.”

“Max, there isn’t time for that!” 99 said anxiously.

“99, I don’t like to be picky, but let’s examine this closely. Now, the object of one or the other of us giving the other a boost up is to save our lives-right? And, if we save our lives, we’ll-as the saying goes-live-right? But, 99, what kind of a life would it be for me if I had to live with the knowledge that I gained my life at the sacrifice of the niceties? I couldn’t sleep nights, 99, thinking about it. And I doubt very much that, after that, you could honestly respect me. Oh, you’d pretend, I know. You’d-”

“Max-”

“Yes, 99?”

“Max, don’t be picky. Nobody likes a picky secret agent.”

“All right, 99, give me a boost up.”

99 cupped her hands again.

“Just a moment,” Hassan said. “Shouldn’t I go first? This is your pit, you know. So, in a sense, I’m only a guest here. In my country, a guest always goes first.”

“He’s right, 99,” Max said. “I think if we examine this closely-”

“I don’t care who goes first!” 99 shrieked. “But somebody-GO!”