William Johnston - Missed It By That Much!

“You’ll make a delivery to the Government Building,” Fitz-Hugh replied.

“Well, that seems simple enough. What will I deliver?”

“A bomb.” Fitz-Hugh turned to his follower. “Bring in the bomb,” he said.

The follower left, and returned a few seconds later with a basket of fruit. There was a bomb in the center of it.

“Isn’t that a little obvious?” Max said. “Won’t the guards at the Government Building get a little suspicious when they see that bomb in the middle of the basket of fruit?”

“Naturally,” Fitz-Hugh replied. “That’s what we want. You see, it’s not the bomb that’s really a bomb. The bomb is only a decoy.”

“Oh.”

“When you enter the Government Building, of course, a guard will see the bomb in the middle of the basket of fruit,” Fitz-Hugh went on. “He’ll stop you and say, ‘Excuse me, sir, but isn’t that a bomb you have there in the middle of that basket of fruit?’ And you’ll reply, ‘Well, bless me, so it is. I wonder how that got in there?’ Then the guard will say, ‘I’m sorry, sir, but there’s a rule against carrying bombs into the Government Building.’ At which point, you will take the bomb from the basket and hand it to the guard and say, ‘Well, I certainly don’t want to break a rule, so will you hold this for me until I come out?’ The guard, of course-”

“Don’t tell me,” Max interrupted. “The guard will accept the bomb, and I’ll rush out of the building, and a moment later the bomb will explode-right?”

Fitz-Hugh shook his head. “All wrong. You haven’t been listening. I told you-the bomb isn’t a bomb. It’s a decoy. You see, when the guard takes the bomb from you, he’ll think it’s safe to let you enter the building-little knowing that it is really the banana that is the bomb.”

“Excuse me, sir,” Fitz-Hugh’s follower said. “It’s the apple that’s the bomb.”

Fitz-Hugh glared at him. “It’s the banana-or maybe the orange. But not the apple.”

“I’m positive, sir, it’s the-”

“Who’s Generalissimo around here!” Fitz-Hugh raged.

The follower cringed. “I’m sorry, sir. You’re absolutely right-it’s the banana.” Then, lowering his voice, he said to Max, “But I wouldn’t try to peel that apple, if I were you.”

“Never mind the details right now,” Max said to Fitz-Hugh. “Just give me the general plot. What happens after I get by the guard?”

“You enter the building,” Fitz-Hugh said, “and you, quick-like, pull the stem out of the banana. That detonates the bomb.”

“Generalissimo,” 99 said, “a banana doesn’t have the kind of stem you can pull out.”

“Then try the orange,” Fitz-Hugh said. He shot a quick, antagonistic look at his follower. “But not the apple,” he said to Max. “Let’s not have any question about who’s Generalissimo around here.”

“Right. I pull the stem from the orange. Then I put it down somewhere. And while the delayed-action timer ticks away, I make a hasty escape.”

“What delayed-action timer?” Fitz-Hugh said. “The bomb goes off instantly. When you’re running a revolution, there’s no time to waste, every minute counts.”

“Uh. . then how do I get out?” Max said.

“Through the roof.”

“Do you mean to say that there’s actually no chance of me getting out of there alive?”

“Welllll. . that depends. How good a runner are you?”

“Not that fast,” Max replied. “I’m afraid, Generalissimo, I’m beginning not to care much for this assignment.”

“It’s a great opportunity for you,” Fitz-Hugh said. “You’ll meet a lot of highly-placed people on your way up through the roof. I’d give a year of one of my follower’s salary to have the chance that you’re getting. But. . my trick knee, you know.”

“Maybe you’d like to go along for the ride,” Max said. “I could make room for you.”

Fitz-Hugh shook his head. “It’s your honor. I wouldn’t dream of butting in.”

“Me, neither,” Hassan said. “My trick knee, you know.”

“No, you’re the one who has the bad back,” Max said. He reached into the basket and picked up the orange. “Let me get this straight, now,” he said. “I walk up to the guard-”

“No, no,” Fitz-Hugh said, “you let the guard stop you. Don’t walk up to him. That would make him suspicious.”

“Okay. I let the guard stop me, then I hand him this orange. As soon as-”

“Max, no,” 99 said. “You don’t hand him the orange. You let him see the bomb.”

“That’s almost what I said, 99. The orange is the bomb.”

“No, I think the banana is the bomb,” Hassan said.

“Just a minute!” Fitz-Hugh shouted. “You don’t let him see the orange-or the banana, as the case may be-that’s really a bomb. You let him see the bomb that isn’t a bomb.”

“Oh, yes, I remember now,” Max said. “I let him see the bomb that isn’t a bomb, and he says to me, ‘I’m sorry, sir, but it’s against the rule to carry a banana into the Government Building.’ So, I hand him-”

“No, Max,” 99 said, shaking her head.

“I carry the guard into the Government Building?”

“Uh-uh, Max.”

“The guard carries me into the Government Building?”

Fitz-Hugh clasped his head in his hands, groaning. “Why does anybody want to be a Generalissimo? The followers you got to put up with these days, it’s nothing but a headache!”

“I’m sorry,” Max said. “But I’m trying my best. Let me start at the beginning. I approach the Government Building-right?”

“So far, perfect,” Fitz-Hugh replied.

“No, unfortunately, it isn’t,” Max said, looking disappointed in himself. “I forgot to take the basket of fruit. I left it back here on the-”

Fitz-Hugh grabbed up the basket and shoved it into Max’s hands. “Okay! You got the fruit! Start again!” he raged.

Max put the orange back into the basket. “It wouldn’t do to accidentally leave this behind,” he explained. “When I got to the-”

“Start already!”

“Right. Okay, now, I approach the Government Building, basket in hand, and I make sure that the guard spots me. How am I doing?”

“You’re a jewel,” Fitz-Hugh smiled blissfully.

“As soon as the guard spots the bomb, of course, he’ll stop me,” Max went on. “And, being a conscientious civil servant, he’ll explain to me in a kindly and understanding manner that it’s against the rule to carry a bomb into the Government Building. Have I left anything out?”

“Only the mistakes,” Fitz-Hugh beamed. “Go on.”

“Doing his duty as he sees it, the guard will then relieve me of the bomb-the bomb that is not a bomb,” Max continued. “And, being a conscientious revolutionary, I will then- Oh-oh-we’re in trouble.”

“What trouble!” Fitz-Hugh asked through gritted teeth.

“Look,” Max said, “if I know my conscientious civil servants, that guy isn’t going to let me go until he gets a piece of fruit. Suppose he wants an orange? Or a banana?”

“Idiot!” Fitz-Hugh screamed. “Guards don’t eat on duty!”

“He could save it for later. There’s nothing better than a banana right after dinner.”

“Take my word for it!” Fitz-Hugh stormed. “He won’t ask for a piece of fruit! Now, go on!”

“I sort of lost my place,” Max said. “I think I better start at the beginning again.”

“Stupidido!” Fitz-Hugh shrieked. He grabbed the basket of fruit from Max’s hands. “I’ll show you! Step by step, I’ll show you what to do! Now, watch! And remember!”

Max squinted his eyes. “I’m watching.”

Fitz-Hugh stomped up to his follower. “This is the guard,” he said. “He asks me about the bomb in the basket. I tell him the bomb is a surprise to me. He asks me for it. I give it to him.” He handed the bomb to the follower. “Have you got it?” he said to Max.