William Johnston: Max Smart Loses Control

“99, time is precious-you said that yourself,” Max replied. “I’m going down there and make sure that that’s Number One in that crate, then, when I verify that it is, I’ll take over the barge and force the crew to return to the pier.”

“We could radio to the Coast Guard, Max.”

“And let them get all the glory? 99, this is very important to me. I have to prove to the Chief that I’m better qualified to handle this case than Hymie is. Do you think I want to play second fiddle to a collection of nuts and bolts and transformers the rest of my life?”

“All right, Max. . I understand.”

99 took over the controls of the helicopter, then descended and hovered over the deck of the barge, and Max lowered himself by a rope. A few moments later, he dropped to the deck.

From the bridge of the barge came a shout. “Hey, you! What’re you doing there!”

Max raced along the deck to the crate and put his ear to it. He heard a ticking sound. “Don’t worry, Number One,” he said. This is Max Smart speaking. I’m a Control agent. I’ll have you out of there and back with your pop art posters in no time at all. All I have to do is take command of this barge.”

“Get away from that crate!” a voice called.

Turning, Max saw a number of seamen running toward him, led by the barge captain.

“Very clever-disguising yourselves as a captain and ordinary seamen,” Max replied. “Just what I’d expect.”

“Will you get away from that crate!” the captain said angrily.

“In a pig’s eye, I will!” Max snarled.

“Get ’im!” the captain commanded.

The seamen rushed at Max. He dropped one with a karate chop, another with a right to the jaw, a third with a left to the belly, and another with a kick to the head. But the fifth seaman tackled him, bringing him down. The others, having recovered, piled on top of Max. He struggled out from beneath them. They jumped up and attacked again. Max dropped three of them with one karate blow. The fourth leaped on his back. Max ducked down, hurling him through the air, and he hit the fifth seaman, knocking him off his feet. But by then the other three had regained their feet and were closing in on Max. He hit them with a body check, upending them again, then ran toward the bridge. As he was climbing a ladder, two of the seamen caught up with him and dragged him down. Max kicked-one fell. He swung a roundhouse-another dropped. Again, Max started up the ladder. But his foot missed the bottom rung, and, losing his balance, he fell backwards and struck his head on the deck. Groggily, Max struggled to his feet. The whole crew was charging at him again. Dizzy, he knew he would not be able to handle them. Making a command decision, deciding that it would be better to destroy Number One than let her remain in the hands of KAOS, he got a grenade from his pocket, pulled the cap, then hurled it in the direction of the crate.

The explosion shook the whole barge.

The captain and the crew halted in their tracks.

“I suppose you probably had a reason for doing that,” the captain said sadly.

“I did it in the name of Good,” Max replied. “For Good to triumph over Evil, sometimes it’s necessary to blow things up.”

“I knew you’d have a reason,” the captain said philosophically. “A man doesn’t go around blowing up barges without a reason.”

A wristwatch fell at Max’s feet. He looked up. The sky seemed to be filled with falling wristwatches.

“Crazy weather we’re having,” Max commented to the captain.

“Oh?”

“It’s raining wristwatches,” Max pointed out.

“I’m not altogether surprised,” the captain said. “You blow up a crate full of five-hundred-thousand wristwatches and you’re bound to get a little fallout.”

Max peered at him interestedly. “Would you object to answering a few personal questions?” he asked.

“What have I got to lose?”

“Now, think this over carefully before you answer,” Max said. “Is there any connection between this barge and KAOS?”

“There wasn’t until a few minutes ago,” the captain replied. He looked up at the falling wristwatches. “Now, all is chaos.”

“I’m referring to the super secret organization that is dedicated to the establishment of evil as a way of life,” Max said.

“Oh. . that,” the Captain nodded. “Yes, I was hired by an advertising agency.”

Max shook his head. “I don’t think you understand. Answer me this: was that a giant computer inside that crate, or, as your earlier comment leads me to believe, was the crate full of wristwatches?”

“Five-hundred-thousand tick-tocks,” the captain replied.

“That’s very interesting,” Max said. “If all you had in the crate was wristwatches, why did you get so excited when I boarded your barge?”

“We were on a secret mission,” the captain explained.

“Aha!”

“For the advertising agency,” the captain went on.

“Oh. Ahh. . could you explain that, please?”

“Well, I suppose you’ve seen that television commercial where a wristwatch is strapped to the propeller of a motorboat motor, and then the motor is turned on, and then when it’s turned off again, the wristwatch is still ticking. That sells a lot of watches.”

“I’ve seen it,” Max replied. “But what’s this about a secret mission?”

“Those commercials are done in secret,” the captain explained. “It’s not good to have a big crowd around. I was delivering those watches to Niagara Falls. The next test was to drop a watch over the Falls in a barrel.”

“But five-hundred-thousand?” Max said.

“Sometimes it doesn’t work the first time,” the captain explained.

“But five-hundred-thousand?”

“Sometimes it doesn’t work the second time, either,” the captain said. “In fact, sometimes you have to try it four-hundred-and-ninety-nine-thousand-nine-hundred-and-ninety-nine times before you find a watch that will come through the test and keep ticking.”

“That makes a lot of sense,” Max nodded. He looked down. “Well, anyway, the weather has taken a turn for the better. It’s raining rain now.”

The captain looked down, too. Water was washing over the deck. It was shoetop high. “The barge is sinking,” he said.

Max looked up. The sky was clear-except for a helicopter. “You may be right about that,” he admitted.

“You blew a hole in it,” the captain said. “You blow a hole in a barge and you’re bound to get a little sinking.”

“I’m sorry about that,” Max said. “But, you must remember, my intentions were good. That ought to count for something. Actually, since I did what I did in the interests of the civilized world, and since you’re a citizen of that world, you really ought to thank me.”

“I find that hard to do,” the captain said, noting that the water had risen to knee-level.

“I’m used to it,” Max shrugged. “It’s very rare when the people appreciate what their public servants do for them. We’re taken for granted.” He waved to the helicopter, and it began descending toward the deck. “I’m afraid I’m going to have to leave you now,” he said to the captain. “The civilized world’s work is never done.”

“You’ve got somebody else’s barge to blow up?”

“That’s not at all kindly of you,” Max said, hurt, reaching for the rope that was dangling above him.

“For you, I have one word,” the captain said.

“Yes?” Max asked, pulling himself up the rope.

“Glubble, glubble, glubble!” the captain said.

Max looked down, intending to request an explanation. But there was no need to-he understood. The captain had disappeared below the surface of the water. “Anyway,” Max said to himself, “glubble, glubble, glubble is three words. Some people never know when to stop.”