William Johnston: Max Smart Loses Control

“Fine, Max. Now-”

“Max,” 99 said, “astigmatism means weak eyes.”

He stared at her, shocked. “Fantastic!” he said. “It’s almost unbelievable the things people will worship!”

“Max-”

“Go right ahead, Chief,” Max replied. “99 is sorry she interrupted you.”

“As I was saying,” the Chief went on, “people have come to depend on computers. Computers tell them what to eat, what to wear, when to water the house plants, when to carry an umbrella, when to take out the garbage, when to take the car in for a spring check-up. . The services performed by computers are increasing every day.”

“I agree, Chief,” 99 said. “I don’t know how I’d get along without my computer.”

“I’d be lost without mine, too,” Hymie said.

The others looked at him.

“Hymie, you are a computer,” the Chief said. “Why do you need a computer?”

“It’s somebody to talk to,” Hymie replied. “I’d be very lonesome without it.”

“I know what he means, Chief,” Max said. “Before I got my computer, I had nobody to talk to but the corridor outside my apartment door. But it never answered. I never fail to get an answer from my computer, though. Unfortunately, it’s a bit of a crank. It keeps telling me to ‘shut up.’ ”

“I can’t imagine why, Max,” the Chief said sarcastically.

“Chief,” 99 asked, “does this assignment somehow concern computers?”

“I thought you’d never ask,” the Chief replied. “Yes-it does. It has been predicted that within ten years computers will be doing all of our thinking for us. I-”

“I must be ahead of my time, as usual,” Max said. “My computer does most of my thinking for me already.”

“Yes, Max. As I was saying, it has been predicted-”

“Ah. . Chief. . who made that prediction?” Max asked.

“A computer.”

“Oh. Well, it must be accurate, then. Computers never make mistakes.”

“Chief. .” 99 said. “Couldn’t that be dangerous?”

“Exactly, 99,” the Chief replied. “In fact, the danger already exists. It has come to our attention that KAOS has been experimenting with a number of personal computers, readjusting them so that they give their owners outlandish instructions.” He looked at Max. “I suspect that we have an example of that right here,” he said.

Max frowned. “You mean my computer?”

“Well, Max, how else can you explain those golf knickers?”

Max pondered for a moment. “I’ve just been named the new pro at the Chevy Chase Country Club?” he guessed.

The Chief shook his head.

“A flood is expected and by noon the water will be knee-high?”

“No, Max.”

“I give up, Chief. What’s the answer?”

“Your computer has been gimmicked, Max.”

Max shook his head. “Impossible. My computer would have mentioned it. It tells me everything. It tells me a lot of things I don’t even want to know. You should have heard what it tried to tell me last night about the people who have the apartment next door. Talk about gossip!”

“All right, Max. Nevermind the-”

“That’s why I was up so late last night,” Max said. “I was listening at the wall. And, believe me, Chief, my computer was right. That couple next door is ready for the loony bin. They were telling their guests about a fellow who lives next door to them who talks to the corridor. I’ve heard some wild stories in my time, but-”

“Max!”

“I’m just trying to defend my computer, Chief. You’re being very unfair to it.”

“All right, Max. I won’t argue with you. Your computer is in perfect working order. However, there are a number of computers that KAOS has got to. When Agent 76 came in this morning, for instance, he was wearing a bedsheet and had a rose between his teeth.”

“Are you sure it was his computer’s fault, Chief?” Max asked. “Maybe 76 is an Astigmatist.”

“Chief,” 99 said, “I don’t understand what KAOS thinks it can gain by gimmicking a few computers. After all, there are hundreds of thousands of computers in use. KAOS can’t get to all of them.”

“No, not one by one,” the Chief admitted. “But there is a way that, in time, KAOS could get control of all of those individual computers. As you may or may not know, 99, those individual computers were designed by a master computer. The master computer is kept here in Washington and it’s called: Number One.”

“Does it have a middle name?” Max asked.

“No, Max.”

“I like to have all the details,” Max explained. “Going out on an assignment without all the facts is like being rejected by the Boy Scouts.”

“Uh. . the Boy Scouts, Max?” the Chief said. “I don’t get the connection.”

“Without the facts, you’re not Prepared,” Max explained.

“Oh. Well, anyway, these small, personal computers are designed-as I said-by the master computer, Number One. Number One, of course, is always making improvements on the new, personal, smaller computers. So, in time, the smaller computers that are in operation now, in homes all over America, will be replaced, having become obsolete.”

“You mean today’s computers will be replaced by tomorrow’s computers,” Max translated.

“That’s what I said, Max.”

“Then that’s probably where I heard it,” Max nodded.

“Now, just suppose that Number One could be brainwashed,” the Chief continued. “It would mean that all the personal computers she designed in the future would be brainwashed, too. As a matter of fact-”

“Chief-” 99 interrupted. “Did you refer to Number One as ‘she’?”

“Yes, 99. Number One is female.”

99 looked at him doubtfully. “How do you know for sure, Chief?”

“For heaven’s sake, 99,” Max said, “don’t you know yet how to tell the difference between boys and girls? Girls are the ones with the long hair and- Ah. . well, come to think of it, I guess the long hair rule isn’t reliable anymore.” He turned to the Chief. “How do you know that Number One is a female, Chief?”

“Her inventor told us so,” the Chief replied. “But, anyway, that’s not important. The point-”

“Not important!” Max said indignantly. “Maybe it isn’t important to you, but I’ll bet it is to a boy computer.”

“I’ll second that,” Hymie said.

“See?” Max said to the Chief.

“But Chief,” 99 said, “aren’t you worrying about something that couldn’t possibly happen? If Number One is here in Washington-headquarters for the Army, Navy and Marines-she must be under constant guard. And KAOS couldn’t brainwash her without first kidnaping her, could they?”

“Right,” Max said. “You’re just an old worry-wort, Chief.”

“Last night,” the Chief announced, “Number One was abducted.”

“Did anybody think to give her an aspirin?” Max asked.

“Abducted means kidnaped, Max.”

“That’s terrible!” Max said. “Chief, do you realize what could happen? KAOS could brainwash Number One! And from then on, every computer it designed would be brainwashed, too! KAOS would soon be master of the entire civilized world! Why isn’t something being done? Am I the only one who understands how serious this is? Why are we just standing here? Chief! — do something!”

“I had in mind assigning my top secret agents to finding Number One and bringing her back,” the Chief said.

“Smart move,” Max said. “Have you done it yet?”

“Well. . not yet, but-”

“There’s no time to waste,” Max said, hustling the Chief toward the door. “You get those agents on the job! Every second counts. Don’t waste time standing around talking to us. 99 and Hymie and I can wait.” He shoved the Chief out the door, then closed it behind him. “The Chief needs a little push every now and then,” he said, facing back to 99 and Hymie. “I hope he isn’t gone too long, though. I’m anxious to know what our new assignment will be.”