William Johnston - Max Smart Loses Control

As they reached the mind-destroying laser beam, they all ducked under. But when they got to the napalm sprayer, Max started to walk right into it’s path. Hymie grabbed him and pulled him down.

“Max! You were almost burned to a crisp!”

“Don’t be silly,” Max said. “Don’t you see that notice chalked on the wall? It says: Out of Order.”

“Max, you chalked that there last night.”

“Oh. . yes. I’m surprised I didn’t recognize the printing.”

They proceeded, ducking down when they reached the apparatus that operated the trapdoor, then entered the laboratory. Ways and Means were there, feeding information to Number One.

“Those are the culprits, all right,” Ways said. He turned to Means. “Our trick worked perfectly,” he said.

“What trick is that?” Max asked.

“You two are the only ones wearing mustaches,” Ways explained. “So you must be the infiltrators. As soon as we shave you, we’ll know for sure.” He reached out and ripped off Max’s mustache and then Hymie’s. “Now, how about a little trim around the ears?” he asked.

“Wayne-it’s them!” Means said.

“You’re right, Melvin-the dumb one and the other one.” He addressed Max. “How did you get out of that vat?”

“Nevermind that,” Max said sharply. “You’re the ones who have explaining to do. Maybe you don’t know it, but that computer behind you happens to be government property. Now, we all make mistakes. Maybe you didn’t know it was government property when you broke into that government installation and computer-napped it and tried to drown us in chocolate when we attempted to retrieve it. Normally, ignorance is no excuse. But, in this case, I think the government might be willing to make an exception. Here’s my suggestion. You turn the computer over to us, and we’ll ask the government to go easy on you. With our help, you could be out of prison and leading useful lives again within seventy or eighty years.”

“I’d be one-hundred-and-twenty,” Ways said.

“And-at that age-a celebrity,” Max said. “See what can happen when you cooperate with the government?”

“We’ve got a better plan,” Means said. “The way we’re working it, within a few years, we’ll be the government.”

Max frowned. “How, exactly, do you figure to manage that?” he asked.

“We’ll have control of every bedside computer in the nation,” Ways replied. “Number One will design them for us. And she’ll tell them exactly what we want her to tell them, and then they’ll pass on the information to their owners.”

“We’re brainwashing Number One right now,” Means said. “Here’s what we’re feeding her,” he added, handing Max a tape that he had been about to put into the computer.

Max read:

THE GUYS IN THE BLACK HATS ARE THE GOOD GUYS

SPINACH IS TASTY

ONE PART GIN, FOUR PARTS VERMOUTH

THE WORLD IS FLAT

LOVE CAUSES ULCERS

SMOKING CLEARS THE SINUSES

THE GOVERNMENT IS ALWAYS RIGHT

EDUCATION CAUSES INGROWN TOENAILS

“That’s terrible!” Max said. “You’ll set civilization back a thousand years!”

“I don’t think there’s any danger, Max,” Hymie said. “Who would believe that stuff?”

“You’re right,” Max said. “Nobody is that much of a slave to his computer.”

“How were you dressed when you went to work the day you showed up at the candy factory?” Ways asked Max.

“Well, I was wearing my golf knickers and my. .” He turned to Hymie. “I think you’ve grossly underestimated the danger,” he said. “Nobody in his right mind would disregard orders from his bedside computer. We’re not used to thinking for ourselves early in the morning.” He faced Ways and Means again. “But, in order to carry out your plan,” he said, “you’ll have to place a brainwashed computer in every home. That’s impossible.”

“Easiest thing in the world,” Ways said. “They’ll be snapped up the minute we put them on the market. Our computers will cost twice as much as the computers that are now available.”

“Very clever,” Max nodded. “Everybody knows that anything that costs twice as much has to be twice as good.”

“Our computers will become a status symbol,” Means said.

“People will mortgage their homes to get our computers,” Means said.

“They’ll go into debt to get them,” Means said. “They’ll sell their boats, their second cars, their summer homes-all to get our computers.”

“I’ll have to admit it-it’s a clever plan,” Max said. “Double the price, and you won’t be able to manufacture these things fast enough to keep up with the demand. But-what then? Convincing everybody that the guys in the black hats are the good guys is interesting-but it won’t get you control of the government.”

“That’s only the beginning,” Ways said. “As soon as we have a computer in every home, we’ll tell the people how to vote. Our candidate will win by a landslide.”

“Your candidate?”

Ways pointed over his shoulder. “Number One.”

“Aha! A brainwashed computer will become President-and you’ll have control of the computer. That’s very clever. It might even work.”

“How can it fail?” Means asked.

“Well, she’s a computer, yes. But she’s also a woman, you know. It’s one thing to put a woman in the White House, but it’s another to get her to do what you want after you get her there. As a very wise man once said: you’d be a fool to depend on it.”

“She’s a machine,” Ways scoffed. “A machine will-”

Number One, who had been clicking contentedly, suddenly began clattering.

“I think you hurt her feelings,” Max said to Wayne Ways.

“That’s-”

Number One unreeled a tape.

Means tore it off, then read:

What havoc here is being wreaked?

A gear of mine is being squeaked.

What language here is being spoken?

Was that a circuit I heard broken?

What explanation will explain

This feeling I feel that feels like pain?

Do I need a change of erl?

Or am I being a silly girl?

Put it on if fits the glove!

Whee! Hurrah! I am in love!

“I hope you got that, Hymie,” Max said. “It’s probably something in code.”

Hymie shook his head. “It’s poetry,” he said. “She always gets that way when she’s in love.”

“Oh, poetry, eh? And very nice, too,” Max said. He spoke to Ways. “See what I mean,” he said. “You’re liable to have yourself a President who delivers the State of the Union message in verse. And who knows what else she might do?”

“Get them out of here!” Ways said to the guards. “Something’s gone wrong. We must work on the machine.”

The guards hustled Max and Hymie out of the laboratory through one of the side doors, then locked them in a cell. One of the guards remained, and the others departed.

“We won’t need you-if you have something important you’d like to attend to,” Max said to the guard.

“I’m your guard-I have to stay here and guard,” the guard replied.

Max motioned to Hymie and they withdrew to a corner of the cell. “Did you hear that?” he said, lowering his voice. “That guard is guarding us.”

“I heard,” Hymie replied.

“I just don’t want you to say, later, that I’m keeping things from you,” Max said. “I always tell my leader everything. A leader without all the facts is like a fisherman without a worm.”

“I understand, Max. Thanks.”

“Unless, of course, the fisherman happened to bring along some bread crusts,” Max said. “If fish are very hungry, they’ll sometimes bite on bread crusts.”

“I know, Max.”

“Bread crusts aren’t much help to a leader without the facts, though,” Max said. “Try figuring out what step to take next when all you’ve got is a handful of dry bread.”