William Johnston: Max Smart and the Ghastly Ghost Affair

“The cry wouldn’t even get past the door of the vault,” Arbuthnot informed him.

“Then we won’t waste time on that,” Max said. “We can go directly to the last resort-a screaming, kicking tantrum.”

“That won’t do any good, either,” Arbuthnot told him. “That vault was built to withstand any force-dynamite, earthquakes, or the steady erosion of cellular structure caused by vibration.” He motioned to Max and 99 with the gun. “Inside the vault, please.”

A KAOS assassin opened the door of the vault, then Max and 99 entered. With only two of them inside, the vault was fairly roomy.

“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” Arbuthnot chuckled.

“Just a min-”

But Arbuthnot refused to listen. He signalled and a KAOS assassin slammed the door shut.

The interior of the vault was totally dark.

“Oh, Max!” 99 wailed. “What are we going to do?”

“I don’t know, 99,” Max said disgustedly. “That’s what I wanted to talk to Arbuthnot about. He told us not to do anything he wouldn’t do. But I’m not sure what that includes. If we’d only got to know him better, so that we could have noted some of his idiosyncrasies and crotchets. Then, with a better knowledge of his personality, we’d be able to make a more educated guess as to what he would do and wouldn’t do.”

“Max,” 99 said, “I have the feeling that we got well enough acquainted with Arbuthnot to know that the only thing he wouldn’t do is sleep in the same bed as a germ.”

“That gives us a pret-ty wide leeway, 99. Because I got a glimpse of the interior of this vault before that KAOS assassin closed the door, and, although it’s well equipped with empty shelves, the one thing it doesn’t have is a bed. Keeping that in mind, I think we can use any means of escape we can work out without running the risk of offending our host.”

“Max! Why should we worry about offending Arbuthnot?”

“99, after all, this vault is a gift!”

“But, Max, for heaven’s-”

99 and Max were suddenly shoved against opposite walls of the vault.

“Max-what happened!” 99 cried.

“I can only guess, 99,” Max replied. “What I do know, though, is that there is a large hairy body between us. And it has. . let me see. . two rather long ears. . and one, two, three, four legs. . and a tail that-”

“Hee-haw!”

“Sorry about that,” Max apologized. To 99, he said, “I think it’s a mule. In this darkness, I can’t be positive, of course, but indications are that Madame DuBarry has reappeared-and just when we didn’t need her most.”

“Max. . I can hardly move. .”

“Madame,” Max said to the mule, “you could be a lot more help if you went back to the saloon and continued to look for that secret panel that leads to the secret passageway to the wine cellar. If we don’t find that Coolidge-head penny and signal the Chief, these KAOS assassins will get away.”

“And, incidentally, we’ll die in this vault,” 99 added.

“Let’s not worry about that, 99,” Max said. “I don’t think we’ll have any trouble getting out of the vault. The only reason I haven’t broken out, so far, is that I want to be sure the KAOS assassins aren’t still hanging around.”

“Max!” 99 said, delighted. “You mean you really know how we can get out of here?”

“It’s as simple as one-two-three, 99,” he replied. “Or, at least, it will be as soon as we get rid of this mule. Madame DuBarry, would you mind moving over a step? You’re standing on my foot.”

“Hee-haw!”

“What did he say, Max?”

“He said I started it-I stood on his foot first.”

“Max, tell him to leave.”

“He’s a guest, 99.”

“I don’t care. Our lives depend on it. You said you can’t get us out of here until he leaves. If he’s any kind of a friend at all, he’ll vamoose.”

“Hee-haw!”

“What did he say, Max?”

“Do you want all of the details or just the gist of it?”

“The gist will do.”

“He said it’s not that simple, 99. He has the same trouble with disappearing and reappearing as the old prospector has. He says he was gone the whole winter of ’61, too. And, what was worse, he says, while the old prospector got to spend that winter in Miami Beach, he, Madame DuBarry, spent it in an abandoned igloo on a runaway ice floe in the Bering Strait.”

“Max. . he said all that with ‘Hee-haw?’ ”

“It’s the inflection he puts on the ‘haw’ that does it 99.”

99 sighed wearily. “Max, why don’t you try to get us out of here even though the mule is in with us? If your plan is as simple as one-two-three, what difference will it make whether the mule is here or not?”

“Quite a bit of difference, 99,” Max replied. “Because, my plan is to count ‘one-two-three’ and then run and throw my weight against the door of the vault. And it’s next to impossible to run and throw your weight against the door of a vault when you’re pinned against the wall by a mule.”

“Oh, Max!” 99 moaned. “You mean that’s really your plan? To break down the door of the vault by throwing your weight against it? Max, that won’t do any good at all. Didn’t you hear what Arbuthnot said? He said this vault could withstand the force of dynamite and an earthquake and severe vibration and almost anything!”

“I heard him, 99. And he probably thought he was being entirely truthful. Just because he’s an assassin, that doesn’t mean he’s a fibber, too. Some of history’s most honest men have had other flaws in their characters. So, in all fairness, let’s not assume that Arbuthnot was lying. Let’s just assume that he made a hasty judgment.”

“Meaning what, Max?”

“99, I have no doubt at all that when this vault was constructed it was built to withstand the force of dynamite, an earthquake or severe vibration or almost anything. But, 99, this vault, now, is centuries old.”

“A century is a hundred years, Max.”

“Decades old?”

“That’s more like it, Max. But, I don’t see- Oh. You mean you think it’s not as strong as it used to be?”

“Did you see the hinges on that door, 99? I could pry those hinges off with a toothpick. All I have to do is throw my weight against that door once and it will go flying right out of the bank. Now, if Madame DuBarry would just leave, so I could back off and get a good running start. .”

“Max. . I have sort of an idea. . Madame DuBarry is facing the back of the vault. So, that means his heels are near the door.”

“Which heels, 99? He has four, you know.”

“His hind heels, Max. In other words, his kicking heels. So, why can’t he kick down the door for us?”

“99, that’s an excellent idea. Frankly, it’s the kind of idea I usually get. Now, let’s see what the mule thinks of it. Madame DuBarry, an idea has just occurred to me. Suppose-”

“Hee-haw!”

“What did he say, Max?”

“In addition to the crack about people who try to take credit for other people’s ideas, you mean? Well, he said it’s an excellent idea. And he’s going to- He’s doing it now, 99!”

“Yes. . I can- Oh, Max!”

“It could happen to anybody, 99. His timing was off, that’s all.”

“I felt him rear up to kick, and then-poof!”

“I just hope he didn’t end up on that runaway ice floe in the Bering Strait again,” Max said. “His disappearance won’t hamper us any, though, 99. Now, I have room to back off and get that running start and knock that door down. I’ll just get down here at this far end. .”

“Careful, Max. .”

“Stay flattened against the wall, 99,” Max said. “I can’t see you in this darkness, and I don’t want to run into you.”