Robert Swindells: Daz 4 Zoe

Well, it hadn’t worked with Grandma, and it wasn’t going to work with me, and that’s why I wrote ‘Brainwashing’ across the last sheet. I’d like to claim I did it for old Moncrieff, but I didn’t. Like I said, she never reads kids’ lines, so I knew she’d never see it. It was a gesture, I guess. Just a gesture. Trouble is, Moncrieff chose that Tuesday morning to break the habit of a lifetime.

Wen you fink abowt some 1 all the time and you cant see them its bad. Wen you got noffing els 2 do its worse. I got noffing els 2 do now.

1 day i’m sitting in the flat finking as usual and i remember somfing this guy Clint shown me longtime back. Glint you basted you ded 2 years now and serve you rite. This Clint hes in Dred wiv our Del rite? Hes in Dred but i dont know why thay want him. Hes got a big mouf, Clint. Aster let peeple know wot hes doing all the time. Aster be a nero.

Aniway its him wot gets our Del topped. Him and his big mouf. They done a job togevver see, only the nite before, this Clint he gets drunk and blabs and some 1 over ears him – lornorder mebbe, or a Subby. No 1 knows, but thay waiting and thay get our Del and Clint gets away, nor Del dont split on him neever. But after thay top him this Clint vanishes and no 1 ever sees him again. Evry 1 knows Dred fixt him but no 1 torking abowt it. Any 1 tork Dred biznis gotta be crazy, rite?

Aniway this 1 time – i’m 11 i fink, Clint shown me how Dred get into Silverdale. That’s the sort of guy he was – hed show somfing like that to a littel kid. We’re way up in the norf part of the city seeing wot we can find, and he luck norf and smile and sez, Silverdale that way. i can go in ther anitime.

o no you cant i sez. i know he got no seeit. No veeza. you cant get in Silverdale any more’n i can, i sez.

o yes i can, he sez. Dred way, see?

Wots that, i sez. Dred way?

He shown me. Thers like this big lid rite? In the road. Big iron lid, and Clint he lift it up and thers a hoal wiv a ladder going down and he sez, see that? Thers a tunnel down there wot goes rite inter Silverdale. i dont beleeve him. if it goes inter Silverdale i sez, how come evry 1 dont go? How come guys cut the fence and the dazlers catch em and they get shot?

he larfs. its not just 1 tunnel he sez. its lots of tunnels. You gotta know the way see, or you mite get lost. Wander in the dark til you die. Aniway he sez, any 1 else go in there, Dred top em.

i remember this wot Clint shown me all those years back and i fink well im going frou, Dred or no Dred. When you gotta see some 1, you gotta see em.

i start 2 make a plan.

Tuesday morning, breaktime. I take my thirteen sheets along to the staffroom and knock. Moncrieff answers the door herself. She has this bright, enquiring look on her mug but when she sees who it is her features sort of shift around till she’s looking at me like I’m a dog turd.

‘Yes?’

‘Lines, Miss.’ I hold out the wad.

‘Hmm.’ She takes them. I stand looking bored while she riffles through. I’m not going to flinch when she rips them up. I won’t even blink. I’ll keep this blank expression so she’ll know I don’t give a toss.

‘What’s this?’

I focus my eyes. ‘Huh?’

‘This.’ She’s waving the thirteenth sheet in my face. ‘Brainwashing. What d’you mean by it, eh?’

My heart gives a painful lurch and I swallow hard. For the first time in living memory she actually looks at a set of lines and it has to be mine. Act cool, Zoe kid – it’s your only chance. I frown at the paper like I’m seeing it for the first time and I say, ‘I dunno, Miss. I guess that must’ve been there before I wrote the lines.’

She sneers.‘Do you expect me to believe that, Askew?’ Askew. It’s been Zoe ever since I’ve been at this school and now it’s Askew. This gets me mad. Don’t ask me why because I don’t know. Like I said before, I’m not the sort of kid who gets in trouble at school. I don’t get mad at teachers, I get scared. I guess it must be all this other stuff that’s been building up without my realising it. Anyway, whatever it is I’m blazing mad and I hear myself say, ‘I don’t give a monkey’s what you think, Moncrieff.’

It wasn’t me. That’s all I can say. It just wasn’t me. I won’t go into all the stuff that went down after I said what I said, but it ended with Moncrieff writing a note to my parents and me taking it home. I say ended, but of course it didn’t end there.

i make this plan rite, and strait off i hit a snag. 2 snags.

1. wot if she dont live in Silverdale.

2. even if she does i dunno witch part.

well i can get in Silverdale. i cant get in aniwear else. So. i go inter Silverdale and luck 4 her dont i? if she dont live ther 2 bad.

witch part thogh? i dunno. fousands ov howses in Silverdale. cud be any ov them. and if i find it, wot do i do eh – nock on the door? O yeah i can just seeit. Hello mister Subby i come for your littel girl.

O rite i’ll get her 4 you. wot you do wiv her by the way?

O we run of togevver. liv in the city. you never see her again.

O well thats alrite then.

O.K. so i dont go 2 her howse. Shes yung rite? still at school, fousands ov howses. Not fowsands ov schools. So. i luck 4 schools not schools 4 tiny littel Subbys neever. schools 4 big kids. cant be many ov them in Silverdale. 2, if that many. maybe just 1. So i’m not just a pretty face am i?

our mam says that.

nex fing – time. see – i fink ov evryfing. No use getting ther and all the kids inside. so 2 chances

1. get ther first – watch kids go in.

2. end ov day – watch them leev. thats better cos not 2 long til dark.

i’m riting this plan down. Mister James be prowd ov me.

so here it is. i go frou the tunnel get in Silverdale near sundown. Pertend i got graft there. Find big kids school. hang abowt. if i see her grate. if not tuff.

only 1 more fing – wen? Tonite? no. not enuff time. Gotta take it easy see. fink wot doodies 2 wear. wot 2 take wiv me. stuff like that. You rush inter fings. end up ded. Speshly in tunnels.

‘What’s come over her, Amanda, that’s what I’d like to know.’

‘God only knows, Gerald. I’m sure I don’t.’

This is my parents talking, right? Amanda and Gerald. They’re talking about me. I’m there, but they’re talking as if I’m not. It’s teatime. I’ve just delivered Moncrieff’s note and they’ve taken turns reading it. I’m the only one who doesn’t know what she’s put. Dad’s in the easy chair and Mum’s perched on the arm and I stand on the rug in front of them with my hands behind my back, looking at the floor and shifting my weight from one foot to the other. It’s embarrassing.

‘First she contradicts me to give us the benefit of her opinion on Chippies, then she mopes and sulks for weeks on end till we’re frantic with worry, and now this.’ He waves the note at me. ‘What’s going on Zoe, eh? What’s happening to you? D’you want to drive your mother and me crazy or what?’

‘May I read the note?’ I hold out my hand but he shakes his head and says, ‘Never mind the note. You know what prompted Miss Moncrieff to write it so you must have a fair idea what it says. Why did you scrawl “brainwashing” across the lines she gave you?’

‘Why did you have to write them in the first place?’ This from Mum. ‘What were you doing wrong, Zoe?’

I shrugged. ‘She gave me lines for looking out the window.’ I considered telling about the misty sunlight and the spider webs and all but it would’ ve been a waste of breath. I said, ‘What she made me write is a lie.’

Dad’s eyebrows went up. ‘Oh, really? What was it exactly?’