Ник Сайнт - Purrfect Advice. Purrfect Passion. A Purrfect Gnomeful

“Next time I’m not coming,” Dooley continued his lament. “She can bring Harriet and Brutus. They would have loved it.”

“Not Brutus,” I corrected him. “I think he was more than happy to be left behind. It’s Harriet who’s the eager one. She loves this Passion Island business and would like nothing more than to be part of the show.”

“Well, she can have her show,” said Dooley, in a rare case of moodiness and rebellion.

“We’re almost there,” I assured him. “And I’m sure once we arrive at destination’s end, things will greatly improve. Exclusive five-star beach resort and all of that stuff.”

“You’re forgetting one thing, Max.”

“What?”

“This is only the first part of the trip. We still have to get home again, which means another trip by plane, plane and plane.”

And then he really did retch, depositing a nice little puddle of puke right in front of his cage. And since seeing puke always makes me want to puke, too, I quickly followed suit and deposited my neat little puddle right next to his.

“Oh, dear,” said Odelia as she saw the result of our mastication on the floor. She gave us a look of commiseration. “You’re really not well, are you, fellas?”

“Not well,” Dooley said in shaky tones.

“Not well at all,” I echoed, equally shaky. My limbs were quaking, and my stomach was twitching.

“I think I’m going to die, Odelia,” said Dooley. “Please take my body back to the States and bury me in the garden underneath the rose bushes.”

“Yeah, don’t give us one of those burials at sea,” I pleaded. “I wouldn’t like to be dumped into the seething seas tucked into a plastic bag.”

“I don’t want to be tucked into a plastic bag and chucked into the sea either!” Dooley cried.

Odelia smiled. “You’re not going to die. You’re a little sick right now, but as soon as we land you’ll feel right as rain again.”

“You’re simply saying that so we won’t worry,” I said.

“Yeah, you’re simply saying that so we won’t complain when they shove us into a plastic bag and chuck us into the sea!” Dooley cried.

“I probably should have given you something against motion sickness,” said Odelia.

Behind her, suddenly a voice spoke. “Are you actually talking to your cats?” The voice was laced with a healthy dose of irony, but still Odelia sat up with a start.

“They’re not feeling well,” she explained to the woman. She was blond and tan and giving both me and Dooley a hard look. “Cats don’t take well to travel.”

“You should have gotten a dog,” said the woman as she gave us a supercilious look. “Dogs are a lot more fun than cats. Cats are stupid, spiteful creatures. My mom had a cat. It scratched me so hard on my butt once you can still see the scar.” And to prove she wasn’t lying, she showed her left buttock, where indeed a tiny scar was visible. I wondered what she must have done to provoke such an attack in that particular place. Probably she’d taken a seat on her mother’s cat by accident, at which point the creature quite naturally returned the favor by digging its claws into her behind.

Odelia clenched her jaw. She hates it when people talk smack about her cats. She refrained from lashing out, though, mostly because she was on assignment, and the first rule for an investigative reporter undercover on a case: don’t antagonize your potential sources of information.

“So how did you end up joining this madhouse?” asked the woman.

“My boyfriend and I are getting married in a couple of months, and we decided to test our relationship before taking the plunge,” Odelia explained. “How about you, Jackie?”

Jackie shrugged, and checked her overly long fingernails. “Money, of course. If we win this thing we’ll have a nice little nest egg.”

“Or a down payment to buy your own place,” Odelia suggested.

Jackie laughed. “Don’t you worry. We got that covered. Gary owns his own construction company. The first thing he did when we started going out was select a nice plot of land and show it to me. That’s when I knew he was the one. Finally a guy who’s got his priorities straight. He’s already laid the foundations, and by the time we walk down the aisle our dream house will be ready for us to move in.”

“Well, I’d say I hope you win, but since I hope to win myself…”

“I’ve seen the competition and frankly I don’t think you stand a chance, sweetheart,” said Jackie with a shrug. “That boyfriend of yours, and the others? They’re all going down.”

“And what makes you think Gary will be immune to the charms of those seductresses?”

“Because if he cheats on me, I’ll kill him,” said the woman, and gave Odelia a fine smile.

Next to me, Dooley gulped, and this time it wasn’t from the motion of the plane. Jackie clearly was a force to be reckoned with, and I wasn’t entirely sure I liked her.

Chapter 16

The lodgings at the Cha Cha Resort & Residences were excellent. As Odelia inspected the little villa she’d been awarded, it was obvious the production company had spared no expense to make the candidates feel at home. The chalet was airy and bright, with a spacious bedroom and bathroom, and a salon where she could play hostess to the other candidates or… one of the seducers—or all of the above, if it pleased her.

She had absolutely no intention of doing any such thing, but she still played the game. So when Clint himself dropped by for a visit, and asked her if everything was to her satisfaction, she giggled and asked when she’d be introduced to the six seducers.

Clint grinned and said, “Now that’s the spirit, young lady. You’ll get to meet our seducers tonight for the first time, and rest assured you will not be disappointed.”

“Thanks, Mr. Bunda,” she said demurely, as befitting the profile Kimmy had drawn up for her: the not-too-clever innocent young woman, eager to expand her horizons.

“Just call me Clint,” said the producer with a lascivious twinkle in his eye. Odelia had the impression he wouldn’t mind playing the seducer himself, if given the chance. “So let’s go over those rules again,” he said, turning serious. “No cell phones, no contact whatsoever with the other island, and participation in all the group activities as well as the dates we set up for you. Whatever you do in the privacy of your own villa, of course, is entirely up to you.” He gave her a wink. “Though we will be watching.”

She glanced around the spacious living area. “You have cameras in here, too?”

“Honey, we have cameras everywhere, but don’t let that bother you. In fact pretend they’re not even there. We always edit out the stuff that would be too embarrassing, so you just go ahead and have fun—and let us create a great show for the people back home.”

And with these words, he left her to unpack.

“What a circus,” said Max as he padded in from the bedroom. “And where are those cameras? I don’t see them.”

“That’s the whole idea,” said Odelia. “To make the contestants forget about them, and make absolute fools of themselves so ‘the people back home’ can have their voyeuristic fun.” She darted a glance in the direction of the bathroom. “I wonder if they put cameras in the bathroom, too.”

“Probably,” said Max. “So you better shower in your bathing suit from now on. Unless you want the world to see you in your birthday suit.”

“Oh, heck,” said Odelia. “I’m starting to wonder why I ever said yes to this thing.”

“Do you think there are bugs in here?” asked Dooley, also joining them. He’d subjected the villa to a thorough inspection, and came to deliver his field report.

“Oh, yes,” said Max. “Plenty of bugs, and not the tiny, benign ones either. I think we can expect a veritable plethora of fauna and flora from now on.”