Camilla Läckberg - The Drowning

‘Yes, the girls needed some help with him,’ said Mellberg, as he carefully began removing the baby’s outer garments. Annika watched with amusement. Apparently the age of miracles wasn’t over.

‘Come on, sonny, let’s go see if your mother is here,’ prattled Mellberg as he lifted Leo out of the pram.

‘No, Paula’s not back yet,’ said Annika, sitting down at her desk again.

‘Oh, what a shame. Looks like you’re stuck with your old grandpa a little while longer,’ said Mellberg, sounding pleased as he headed for the kitchen, carrying Leo in his arms. When he had moved in with Rita a couple of months ago, the girls had suggested that he be called Grandpa Bertil. So now he seized every opportunity to use the name that gave him such joy. Grandpa Bertil.

It was Ludvig’s birthday, and Cia was trying to pretend that it was a completely ordinary birthday. He was thirteen. That was how many years it had been since she had given birth in the maternity ward and laughed at how ridiculously similar father and son were in appearance. But now it meant that deep down inside she had to admit she was having a hard time even looking at Ludvig. At his brown eyes with the touch of green in them and at his blond hair, which the sun, even in early summer, had bleached almost white. Ludvig’s physique and mannerisms were also so similar to Magnus’s. They were both tall and lanky, and when her son gave her a hug, his arms felt like her husband’s. Even their hands were similar.

With trembling fingers Cia wrote Ludvig’s name in icing on the layer cake. That was something else they had in common. Magnus was capable of eating an entire cake all on his own, and it was so unfair that he never gained an ounce. For Cia, all she had to do was look at a cinnamon roll and she’d put on a whole pound. But at the moment she was as thin as she’d always dreamed of being. Ever since Magnus had disappeared, the pounds had seemed to melt away. Every time she tried to eat something, the food practically swelled inside her mouth. And she had a lump in the pit of her stomach from the minute she woke up in the morning until she went to bed at night, falling into a uneasy sleep; that lump seemed to leave little room for food. Yet she cared less and less about her appearance. In fact, she barely glanced at herself in the mirror any more. What did it matter, now that Magnus was gone?

Sometimes she wished that he had died right before her eyes. Suffered a heart attack or been hit by a car. Anything at all, just so she would have known what happened to him and been able to arrange a funeral, settle his estate, and take care of all the other practical matters that were necessary when somebody died. Then maybe she could have felt the pain of grief, until it gradually faded away, leaving the dull ache of loss, mixed with lovely memories.

Right now she had nothing. She felt as if she were living in a huge void. He was gone, and there was nothing on which to pin her sorrow – no way for her to move on. She felt incapable of going back to work, but she didn’t know how long she could stay home on sick leave.

She looked down at the birthday cake. She’d made a real mess with the icing. It was impossible to read anything in the irregular swirls covering the marzipan on top. The sight seemed to sap her of all remaining strength. She sank to the floor, with her back leaning against the refrigerator and sobs rising up from inside, demanding to be let out.

‘Don’t cry, Mamma.’ Cia felt a hand on her shoulder. It was Magnus’s hand. No, it was Ludvig’s. Cia shook her head. She felt reality slipping away from her. She wanted to let it go so she could escape into the darkness that she knew awaited her. A beautiful, warm darkness that would envelop her for ever, if she let it. But through her tears she saw those brown eyes and that blond hair, and she knew that she couldn’t give up.

‘The cake,’ she sobbed, trying to get up. Ludvig helped her to her feet and then took the tube of icing out of her hand.

‘I’ll fix it, Mamma. Why don’t you go and lie down while I take care of the cake?’

He stroked her cheek. He was thirteen, but no longer a child. He was his father now. He was Magnus – her rock. She knew that she shouldn’t allow him to take on that role; he was still too young. But she didn’t have the energy to do anything else but trade roles with him.

She dried her eyes on the sleeve of her shirt while Ludvig got out a knife and carefully scraped off the lumpy icing from his birthday cake. The last thing Cia saw before she left the kitchen was her son concentrating hard to shape the first letter of his own name. L, as in Ludvig.

‘You’re my handsome little boy, do you know that?’ said Mother as she carefully combed his hair.

He merely nodded. Yes, he knew that. He was Mother’s handsome little boy. She’d said that over and over ever since he’d been allowed to come home with them, and he never grew tired of hearing it. Sometimes he thought about how things had been before. About the darkness, the loneliness. But all he had to do was take one look at the beautiful apparition who was now his mother, and everything else disappeared, slipped away, and dissolved. As if it had never existed.

He had just climbed out of the bath, and his mother wrapped him in the green robe with the yellow flowers.

‘Would my little darling like some ice cream?’

‘You’re spoiling him.’ Father’s voice came from the doorway.

He huddled inside the terry-cloth robe and pulled up the hood in order to hide from the harsh tone of the words that ricocheted off the bathroom tiles. Hiding from the blackness that rose up to the surface again.

‘All I’m saying is that you’re not doing him any favours by spoiling him like that.’

‘Are you implying that I don’t know how to raise our son?’ Mother’s eyes turned dark, bottomless. As if she wanted to ob literate Father by simply looking at him. And, as usual, her anger seemed to make Father’s own wrath melt away. He seemed to shrink and shrivel up. Becoming a little grey father.

‘You know best,’ he muttered and left, his eyes on the floor. Then they heard the sound of his footsteps fading and the front door quietly closing. Father was going out for a walk again.

‘We won’t pay him any mind,’ whispered Mother, pressing her lips close to his ear hidden under the green terry-cloth. ‘Because you and I love each other. It’s just you and me.’

He pressed close to her like a little animal and allowed her to comfort him.

‘Just you and me,’ he whispered.

‘I won’t! I don’t wanna!’ cried Maja, using up most of her scant vocabulary when Patrik desperately tried to leave her with Ewa, the day-care teacher, on Friday morning. His daughter clung to his trouser legs, howling, until finally he managed to prise her fingers loose, one after the other. His heart ached when she was carried off, still holding her arms out to him. Her tearful ‘Pappa!’ echoed in his head as he walked back to the car. For a long moment he just sat there, staring out the windscreen, holding the car keys in his hand. This had been going on for two months now, and it was no doubt Maja’s way of reacting to Erika’s pregnancy.

Patrik was the one who had to bear the brunt of this struggle every morning. He had actually volunteered for the job. It was just too hard for Erika to get Maja dressed and undressed. And squatting down to help the toddler tie her shoelaces was unthinkable. So there was really no other option. But the daily tussle was beginning to wear on Patrik’s nerves, since it started well before they even reached the day-care centre. As soon as it was time to get dressed in the morning, Maja would refuse to cooperate. Patrik was ashamed to admit that sometimes he got so frustrated that he would grab her a bit brusquely, making her scream at the top of her lungs. Afterwards he felt like the world’s worst parent.