Dorothy Cannell - The Importance of Being Ernestine

“You gave Constable Thatcher his instructions?”

“Told him and then wrote them down, so’s there’ll be no mistakes. He’s to position himself outside the drawing room after everyone troops in. And right before we gets started the vicar will sidle over to the door and open it a crack, like to see if there’s anyone outside, and then not close it properly, so Constable Thatcher can hear what’s going on and write things down in his little book if he fancies. Men!” She smiled indulgently. “They do like to make themselves feel important. Well, if it keeps them happy, why not? There was you all stirred up thinking Mr. H. would leave you after your redecorating and updating. Now he’s like a kiddie with a new toy. Can’t tear himself away from his computer now.”

I was rubbing at a drop of tea that had landed on my sage green sweater. “I know, we were completely at cross purposes. I thought he was still angry with me for getting rid of his old typewriter. Instead he was feeling guilty about having made such a fuss because within minutes of turning on the computer he was hooked and feeling even guiltier about all the time he was spending on it. He told me he loves the study the way it’s redecorated; it gives him more room, and more storage. It’s as though he finally has his very own space instead of being shut up in the cupboard under the stairs.”

“Surprises me you didn’t give his head the back side of a frying pan.” Mrs. Malloy eyed the cookoo clock that wasn’t known of its truthfulness. She must have decided it was fast this time rather than slow, because she not only settled back into her chair but also poured herself another cup of tea.

“Who could have guessed that my shipping those items off to Kathleen Ambleforth’s charity drive would have this much impact?” I had succeeded in making the tea spot worse. “But for my row with Ben I wouldn’t have turned out that night to meet you at Jugg’s.”

“Thanks ever so!”

“I wouldn’t have been so depressed that I smoked and got sick drinking that whisky, which was why I got talked into working with you on this case. And if I hadn’t been so desperate to get the items back I wouldn’t have pestered Kathleen for the name of the organization where they had been sent. She wouldn’t have finally told me it was The Waysiders, right before Aunt Lulu showed up with her horror stories about her stay there, making for such a coincidence that my harping on about it got the name stuck in Ben’s head. So that’s when he was next at the computer…”

“And don’t let’s forget me finding that address card in Vincent Krumley’s wallet that lets us know he was also familiar with The Waysiders.” Mrs. Malloy yawned behind a heavily ringed hand. “So don’t go letting Mr. H. get too chuffed, or he’ll be expecting a cut of that five thousand pounds. And you know what that’ll mean. He’ll be buying himself a laptop, so he can take it to bed with him and there goes your marriage. I tell you what,” Mrs. Malloy said, adding a drop more tea to my cup, “I’ll send Mr. H. a nice thank you card, and you can do likewise for the Reverend Featherstone who’s been more than good handling things with Lady Krumley and Ernestine too. A busy day for a man of his age having to go here, there and the other. If her ladyship don’t appreciate him after this she never will. And either you can get a divorce and marry him or I’ll do it. Come to think of it that might be a little more special than a card.” Mrs. Malloy made a production of getting to her feet and again looking at the clock. “You did say you talked to Laureen?”

“Yes, just as we discussed.”

“Never a dull moment in this business.” Her face sobered. “It’ll be a bit of a letdown when it’s over.”

“Let’s hope we’re around to enjoy it.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“We can’t be absolutely sure that things won’t get out of hand. Constable Thatcher could doze off clutching the doorknob. And our murderer may not take kindly to be brought out into the open. Naturally I didn’t plant that little seed in Ben’s mind. I assured him that you and I were safe as houses.”

“How many policemen did you tell him there was going to be on hand?”

“A few.”

Mrs. M. was flapping powder onto her nose with a large puff. “I’m shocked, that’s what I am! Telling lies to your very own husband.”

“Only a white… well, maybe a gray one. For all I know Constable Thatcher could be a very large man, the size of at least three regular-sized ones.”

“He’s nothing of the sort, he’s built just nice. Quite a pleasant jolly sort of chap for all we’ve heard of him being so strict with young Ronald. He asked me if I’d ever thought of going into the police force. There was quite a meaningful look in his eyes when he said it.”

“He wasn’t suggesting that with you being such a whiz at solving murders you should be well up the chain of command by now?” Mrs. Malloy did not dignify this with a response. I followed her into the hall where we got into our coats, picked up our handbags and went out the door into the mildest evening we’d had in weeks.

The drive to Biddlington-By-Water seemed shorter because it was now so familiar. We didn’t talk for several miles or rather I should say neither of us said a word out loud. I was reciting my lines for the upcoming production inside my head. And Mrs. Malloy, from the way she was moving her lips and her frequent frowns, appeared to be doing the same thing. But after a while I reverted to thinking about the problems ahead. It was all very well for Mrs. Malloy and me to be conducting dress rehearsals whenever we could spare time during the day. It was hardly surprising that each of the players did and said exactly as wished when we were playing all the parts. The reality was unlikely to go as smoothly. And in the end would it all be for naught? Mrs. Malloy’s thoughts were flowing right along with mine.

“Here’s me fretting that it won’t be a legal confession, no matter how many people hear the bugger say it. Not with all this silly business of the courts insisting that criminals be read their rights first or it all goes out the ruddy window. But what if we don’t get nowhere at all? What if there’s no voice piping in with, ‘It was me! I know it’s not right to go around scaring old ladies out of their wits and murdering people, but a little dickie bird told me to do it’?”

“We’ll still have accomplished something, Mrs. Malloy. The scheme will have been exposed. That should put a damper on things and provide the Krumley family with some security. An admittance would be nice because then we’d know with certainty that we were right and so would the others. But we’re just going to have to take what we can get.”

“I suppose you’re right.”

“We’re together in this.” I turned and smiled at her, and she snuffled into a hanky.

“I guess I’ve just got a touch of stage fright. Me knees is knocking. It was the same way when I was in that play at the church hall.”

“On that occasion you made the mistake of trying to bolster up your courage with a stiff bottle of gin. This time you stuck to tea.”

We had now reached Biddlington-By-Water, which looked charmingly Dickensian in the glow of its streetlights and utterly incapable of harboring a jaywalker let alone a murderer in its midst. But soon Moultty Towers, looming before us and in the dark stillness of an almost moonless night, gave off the aura of a place where one might likely spot a discreetly placed sign indicating that “Doctor Crippen Slept Here.” After parking under a skeletal tree, I gripped Mrs. Malloy’s arm, half hoping in cowardly fashion that one of us would slip, spraining an ankle that would demand immediate medical attention. But there was to be no escaping the business at hand.