Janet Evanovich - Explosive Eighteen

“You tried to zap him before, and it didn’t work.”

“I have a bigger zapper now.”

I lowered the tailgate and got Lula up into the truck bed. I stuffed the key into my pocket, so Buggy couldn’t grab it, and I went to his door.

Buggy opened the door and looked past me. “Nice truck.”

Lula waved a piece of pizza at him. “Yoohoo, Buggy honey.”

“She got pizza,” Buggy said. He pushed past me and went straight to the truck. “You got more?” he asked Lula.

“I got almost a whole pie,” Lula said. “You want some?”

“Yuh,” Buggy said, climbing over the tailgate.

I scrambled after him, and when he reached for a piece of pizza I pressed the stun gun to the back of his neck and hit the go button. He went dead still for a beat, and I swear his hair lit up, and then he crumpled face-first into Lula’s lap.

“He got his nose in my lady parts,” Lula said, holding the pizza box to the side. “Not that I haven’t been in this predicament before, but there’s a time and place for everything, you see what I’m sayin’?”

I looked at the pizza box. There were two pieces missing.

“Did you eat two slices of pizza?” I asked Lula.

“I thought it might settle my stomach, but I was wrong.”

I wrapped the Flexi-Cuffs around Buggy’s wrists, shackled his ankles, and rolled him off Lula.

“We don’t want a repeat of Lahonka,” I said. “Take the stun gun and stay in back with Buggy. If he comes around and gets unruly, give him a shot.”

“I don’t know if I’m gonna make it to the police station,” Lula said. “You got antacids? You got Pepto?”

I searched my bag.

“What’s that pink stuff in there?” Lula said. “It looks like Pepto.”

“It’s the stuff Annie Hart gave me.”

Lula reached in and took the bottle. “Whatever.” She chugged it down and burped. “Oh yeah, that’s better.”

My eyes were wide and my mouth was open.

“What?” Lula asked.

“You drank the stuff Annie gave me. I have no idea what was in it. The woman is a kook. She makes love potions. For all I know, you just drank yak eyes and buffalo piss.”

“It didn’t look like buffalo piss,” Lula said. “It was a pretty pink color. How do those love potions work?”

“I don’t know.”

“Like, do they make you have love at first sight? Because I like that idea. There’s not enough romance in the world. I always said that when I was a ’ho. I always threw in some romance for free if the customer wanted. And some of those customers didn’t inspire romance, if you know what I mean. Like take Buggy, for instance. He’s kinda cute.”

Buggy’s eyes were half open, he was drooling, and he farted.

“He’s a bridge troll,” I said.

“Yeah, but I just drank a love potion, so I could be excused for havin’ bad taste. And besides, bridge trolls are in now. What about Shrek? Everybody loves Shrek. Remember when he blew bubbles in the bathtub? He was adorable.”

“He was a cartoon.”

“I’m feeling warm,” Lula said. “It might be on account of I sort of had a romantic experience just now with Mr. Cutie Pie here. And much as I hate to admit this, my love life has been a barren wasteland for at least a week.”

I was going to pretend I didn’t hear that. I was going with the assumption there was grain alcohol in the pink stuff. I jumped down, closed the tailgate, and got behind the wheel. I had no confidence that I could drag Mr. Cutie Pie across the street and into the municipal building if I parked in the lot, so I drove to the police station drop-off and asked for help.

Vinnie was in the office when Lula and I returned.

“I just brought Lewis Bugkowski in,” I said to Vinnie.

“He already called,” Vinnie said. “He wants to get bonded out again, but he has no one to post the bond. His parents won’t put up any more money. They said it’s bad enough they have to feed him.”

Lula’s hand shot up. “I’ll do it. I’ll post the bond. Let me do it.”

“That’s a shame,” Connie said. “She was clean for so long.”

“It’s not drugs,” I said. “She’s developed this weird attachment to Buggy.”

“He’s adorable,” Lula said. “Like Shrek. I could just love him to pieces.”

“That’s wrong,” Connie said. “That’s very, very wrong.”

“I’m all excited,” Lula said. “I’m getting my first bondee. It’s like going to the animal shelter and adopting a kitten.”

“This isn’t a good idea,” Connie said. “Buggy isn’t a kitten. Buggy is a…”

“Dullard?” I suggested. “Slackard, village idiot, leach on society, clod, brute, oaf, dumb ox, not to mention purse snatcher and car thief?”

“You be careful what you say about my honey,” Lula said. “And makin’ him my bondee is a perfectly good idea. I got a right to adopt a felon. I’m gonna take care of him, too.”

“How are you going to post bond?” Vinnie asked. “Where are you going to come up with the money? What are you going to put up as collateral?”

“I got my Firebird,” Lula said.

We all gasped. Lula loved her Firebird.

“This is serious,” Connie said. “You need to take her to the clinic and get a blood test. Or maybe she just needs to go home and lay down for a while. She could be having some sort of reaction from all the sugar in the doughnuts.”

“I just got a big heart,” Lula said. “I got a heart of gold, and I recognize goodness in places it don’t seem to be. Like, you look at Lewis and you see apple-cider vinegar, and I see a big apple dumpling.”

“You never saw apple dumplings before,” Connie said.

“Well, I got my eyes open now,” Lula said. “Hallelujah. And on top of that, I’m takin’ love at first sight for a test-drive. I might have drinked a love potion.”

“I like it,” Vinnie said. “If Buggy goes AWOL, I get the Firebird. I could give it to DeAngelo, and he might not kill me.” Vinnie passed papers over to Lula. “Sign where I made a mark.”

Lula was on her feet. “I want to go with you when you get my sweet patooti released,” she said to Vinnie. “I want to take him home.”

“I need you to help me capture Joyce,” I said to Lula.

“No problem,” Lula said. “This won’t take long. Soon as I get my honeybee out of jail, I’ll help you with Joyce.”

I was gagging on the sweet-patooti, honeybee, adorable-apple-dumpling stuff, but I needed to get Joyce out of my apartment, and I needed the money from her capture.

“Excellent,” I said. “We’ll follow Vinnie to the police station, we’ll spring Buggy, take him home, and go get Joyce.”

“WHAM!” Lula said.

I stepped outside and waved at Slasher and Lancer. They were parked across the street again.

“You lied to me!” Lancer yelled. “You’re not going to heaven if you keep fibbing to people.”

Vinnie took off in his Cadillac, Lula and I followed, and Lancer and Slasher brought up the rear. Vinnie went straight, I turned right, and Lancer followed me. I drove two blocks, turned left, and zipped through a traffic light. Lancer wasn’t going to make the same mistake twice. He ran the light and got T-boned by a Jeep. I pulled to the side to see if anyone was hurt.

“They all look okay,” Lula said, “but they don’t look happy.”

I DROPPED LULA off at the municipal building and waited for her in the truck. I checked my mail on my phone and listened to some music. I was afraid to nap. With my luck, Raz would stumble on me. I’d been sitting there for almost an hour when Connie called.

“Your friends are back across the street,” she said. “And their car is all bashed in. Are you okay?”