Janet Evanovich - Foul Play

Allen’s hand tightened on Jake’s shoulder. “Maybe you’d better leave,” Allen said. “Dr. Elliott hasn’t had his jelly doughnut yet. He can be pretty mean until he gets his jelly doughnut.”

Ponytail narrowed his eyes. “Hey, this wasn’t our idea. We got a call to come over here.”

Jake looked at Allen. “Did you call these slimeballs?”

“Not me.”

“It was a woman,” Ponytail said. “Real sexy voice, but sounded kind of dumb.”

Veronica Bottles minced through the door. “It was me.” Her breasts bounced unfettered behind a lime-green tank top as she tottered precariously on spike-heeled shoes. “Is my makeup okay?” she asked Ponytail. “I want to look good on TV.”

Ponytail looked surprised. “Who are you?”

Veronica stood tall, her nose slightly tipped toward the ceiling. “Veronica Bottles. I’m an actress, and I was Rhode Island Red’s trainer. Red and I were TV stars together.” She turned her heavily mascaraed eyes to Jake. “I’m really sorry about everything that’s happened. Is it true Lulu’s gone?”

Jake nodded.

“Gosh, it must have been love at first sight for you and Lulu. That’s so romantic. And so sad. Star-crossed lovers.” She sighed.

“I sure hope things work out for you,” she said to Jake. “I watched their show last night and I said to myself, Veronica, things have gone too far. Somebody’s gotta do something about this rooster business. Gee, people’s lives are being ruined. All over a silly old rooster.”

She knew about Red. Jake could feel it in his bones. He’d felt it all along, but now he knew. Patience, he cautioned himself. Deep breathing. “Um, do you know something about Red?”

“Of course, I know about Red. He was my rooster, for crying out loud.”

She turned to the newsmen. “Red and I were very close. We’d only known each other for a short time, but we were like family. He lived in my apartment, you know.”

“About Red,” Jake prompted. “I don’t suppose you’d know where he is now?”

Veronica blinked her huge black lashes. “I’m not sure. I suppose he’s where he’s always been. Unless somebody’s moved him. I was going to tell you that very first day, but there were all those newsmen and cameras and policemen. It never occurred to me you’d call the police. I mean, he was just a chicken! Then there was Brian Turner, the little weasel.”

“Ah ha, Turner was in on this, too. I knew it,” Jake said, shaking his finger at Allen.

“After I left Red here I got to feeling sorry for him. I got to thinking about how lonely he must be in a strange cage. Red always liked to watch TV at night and here he was with no one to talk to and no TV to watch. I came back to visit him, but there wasn’t anybody here, and the office was all locked up.”

“So you used a credit card to get in to see Red,” Jake said.

Allen grinned at Jake. “You sound like Maxwell Smart.”

“It was easy,” Veronica said. “I’m real good with credit cards. I’m always forgetting the keys to my apartment. Anyway, I let myself in the office. I didn’t think you’d mind. I even gave all the animals a drink of fresh water before I left.”

Jake made an effort to remain calm. “That was nice of you. Getting back to Red…”

Veronica’s eyes got teary. “He was dead. Poor dumb bird. He was lying in his cage with his little chicken feet sticking up.”

“Why didn’t you tell us?”

“I meant to, honest. I just didn’t get a chance, and then things started happening so fast. Besides, when Lulu brought the chicken soup in, I figured she’d found him.”

“What are you talking about? Where was he?”

“Well, I didn’t think it was right to leave Red in that cage. He was dead. Real dead, if you know what I mean.” She stuck her arms straight out and puffed up her cheeks. “Bloat city.”

Jake bit his lip. Allen made a strange sound in the back of his throat.

Veronica smiled smugly. “Everyone thinks I’m dumb, but I’m not. I’m pretty good at figuring things out. I said to myself, Veronica, what should you do with this smelly chicken? The answer was simple. You treat it like any other chicken. So I wrapped it in aluminum foil and put it in your freezer.”

“Omigod. You mean that bird’s been in our freezer all this time?”

Veronica looked puzzled. “Unless Lulu used him for soup. I only labeled it chicken. I didn’t put his name on the package. I stopped back the following night to see if Red was still here, but there was someone in the office. I was afraid it was a burglar, so I drove away and called the police. Then I went to Brian’s house and told him about Red, and he almost had a cow. He was yelling and screaming at me, telling me how I was just a chicken killer, and how I was going to ruin his ratings. I thought if Red wasn’t already made into soup he deserved a decent burial, but Brian said no, no, no. He said it wouldn’t look good. He said I’d get arrested and sent to jail for breaking into the clinic. Then, the next day, the rotten son of a creep fired me.”

Jake and Allen looked at each other and simultaneously turned and ran to the small kitchenette. Jake opened the freezer door and extracted the package marked chicken. “How could we have missed this?”

Allen shrugged. “I thought Amy had brought it in. She was always bringing us food.”

Jake unwrapped the aluminum foil and grimaced. “Veronica, how could you think Amy would make soup out of Red?”

“It did seem pretty weirdo, but you have to admit, it was a strange coincidence for her to bring that soup in.”

Jake rewrapped Red and put him back in the freezer. “I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.”

Veronica turned to Ponytail. “So you see, this was all my fault. It’s not right that Dr. Elliott’s romance went belly-up.” Veronica jiggled a little in her excitement, catching Ponytail’s full attention. “I thought, maybe, you could do another show about the real story of Red, and I could be the star. It could be an exposé. We could get that creep Turner where he lives. And Lulu would see the show and come back and everyone would live happily ever after.”

Ponytail smiled. “I think that’d be a great idea.”

It was a great idea, Jake thought, but what if Amy didn’t see it? It was a local cable station. What if Amy was far away? What if she had bigger fish to fry at nine o’clock Friday night? Lord, how he missed her. Especially at night when there was nothing else to occupy his mind, and the bed felt cold and empty next to him. He closed his eyes, but he couldn’t sleep. He looked at the digital clock on the nightstand, uttered an expletive, and thrashed under the covers. Two o’clock.

From the foot of the bed, Spot belligerently opened one eye. Now what? he seemed to say. Better not be another marathon nocturnal walk.

Jake grunted and reached for the brand-new remote. He punched up a pillow behind himself and sullenly turned on his TV. He flipped through the stations looking for something boring, and settled on a news station from Baltimore.

“… news and weather live from Baltimore, every hour on the hour,” a fat little man announced. “And now here’s the weather.”

The camera panned to a slim young woman with tousled blond curls. The woman blinked in an obvious effort to stay awake. “Here’s the weather,” she mumbled. “It’s going to rain. Big deal. Do you care?” She moved to a wall map of the United States and pointed to Kansas. “There’s a high over the Great Lakes.” She moved the pointer to Florida. “And a storm front coming in from the Rockies.” She squinted into the camera. “Is anybody out there?”