Dave Barry: Dave Barry Is Not Making This Up

First, I have NEVER written a column that got a bigger response than the one announcing the Bad Song Survey. Over 10,000 readers voted, with cards still coming in. Also, wherever I went people expressed their views to me, often gripping my shirt to emphasize their points. (“You know that song about

pina coladas? I hate that song. I HATE IT!”) Song badness is an issue that Americans care deeply about. Second, you Neil Diamond fans out there can stop writing irate unsigned letters telling me that I am not worthy to be a dandruff flake on Neil’s head, OK? (Not that I am saying Neil has dandruff.) Because you have convinced me: Neil Diamond is GOD. I no longer see anything but genius in the song where he complains that his chair can’t hear him. Unfortunately, a lot of survey voters are not so crazy about Neil’s work, especially the part of “Play Me” where he sings: ... song she sang to me, song she brang to me ...

Of course I think those lyrics are brilliant; however, they brang out a lot of hostility in the readers. But not as much as “Lovin’ You,” sung by Minnie Riperton, or “Sometimes When We Touch,” sung by Dan Hill, who sounds like he’s having his prostate examined by Captain Hook.

Many people still deeply resent these songs. Many others would not rule out capital punishment for anyone convicted of having had anything to do with Gary Puckett and the Union Gap (“Woman,” “Young Girl,” and “This Girl Is a Man Now,” which some voters argue are all the same song).

Likewise there are boiling pools of animosity out there for Barry “I Write the Songs” Manilow, Olivia “Have You Never Been Mellow” Newton-John, Gilbert “Alone Again, Naturally” O’Sullivan, The Village “YMCA” People, Tony “Knock Three Times” Orlando, and of course Yoko “Every Song I Ever Performed” Ono. And there is no love lost for the Singing Nun.

The voters are ANGRY. A typical postcard states: “The number one worst piece of pus-oozing, vomit-inducing, camel-spitting, cow-phlegm rock song EVER in the history of the solar system is ‘Dreams of the Everyday Housewife.’” (Amazingly, this song was NOT performed by Gary Puckett and the Union Gap.)

Here are some other typical statements:

* “I’d rather chew a jumbo roll of tinfoil than hear ‘Hey Paula’ by Paul and Paula.”

* “Whenever I hear the Four Seasons’ ‘Walk Like a Man,’ I want to scream,

‘Frankie, SING like a man!’”

* “I wholeheartedly believe that ‘Ballerina Girl’ is responsible for 90

percent of the violent crimes in North America today.”

* “I nominate every song ever sung by the Doobie Brothers. Future ones also.”

* “Have you noticed how the hole in the ozone layer has grown progressively larger since rap got popular?”

Sometimes the voters were so angry that they weren’t even sure of the name of the song they hated. There were votes against “These Boots Are Made for Stomping”; the Beach Boys’ classic “Carolina Girls”; “I’m Nothing But a Hound Dog”; and “Ain’t No Woman Like the One-Eyed Gott.” A lot of people voted for “The Lion Sleeps Tonight,” offering a variety of interpretations of the chorus, including: “Weem-o-wep,” “Wee-ma-wack,” “Weenawack,” “A-ween-a-wap,” and “Wingle whip.”

Many readers are still very hostile toward the song “Wildfire,” in which singer Michael Murphy wails for what seems like 97 minutes about a lost pony. (As one voter put it: “Break a leg, Wildfire.”) Voter Steele Hinton particularly criticized the verse wherein there came a killing frost, which causes Wildfire to get lost. As Hinton points out: ... ‘killing’ in ‘killing frost’ refers to your flowers and your garden vegetables, and when one is forecast you should cover your tomatoes ... Nobody ever got lost in a killing frost who wouldn’t get lost in July as well.”

There was also a solid vote for Gordon Lightfoot’s “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald,” a real fun party song. Several voters singled out the line: “As the big freighters go, it was bigger than most.”

Speaking of bad lyrics, there were votes for:

* Cream’s immortal “I’m So Glad,” which eloquently expresses the feeling of being glad, as follows: “I’m so glad! I’m so glad! I’m glad, I’m glad,

I’m glad!” (Repeat one billion times.)

* “La Bamba,” because the lyrics, translated, are: “I am not a sailor. I am a captain, I am a captain, I am a captain.” And he is probably glad.

* “Johnny Get Angry,” performed by Joanie Sommers, who sings: “Johnny get angry, Johnny get mad; Give me the biggest lecture I ever had; I want a

BRAVE man, I want a CAVE man ...”

* “Take the Money and Run,” in which Steve Miller attempts to rhyme “Texas” with “what the facts is,” not to mention “hassle” with “El Paso.”

* “Torn Between Two lovers.” (Reader comment: “Torn, yes, hopefully on the rack.”)

* “There Ain’t Enough Room in My Fruit of the Looms to Hold All My Love for You.” (This might not be a real song, but I don’t care.)

Certainly these are all very bad songs, but the scary thing is: Not one song I’ve named so far is a winner. I’ll name the winners next week, after your stomach has settled down. Meanwhile, here are some more songs you should NOT think about: “Baby I’m-a Want You,” “Candy Man,” “Disco Duck,” “I Am Woman,” “Itsy-Bitsy Teeny-Weeny Yellow Polka-Dot Bikini,” “Last Kiss,” “Patches,” “The Night Chicago Died,” “My Ding-a-Ling,” and “My Sharona.” Just FORGET these songs. Really.

P.S. Also “Horse with No Name.”

BAD SONG SURVEY

PART Two

I hope you haven’t had anything to eat recently, because, as promised last week, today I am presenting the winners of the Bad Song Survey.

In analyzing these results, I had to make a few adjustments. For example, the Bob Dylan song “Lay Lady Lay” would have easily won as Worst Overall Song, with 17,006 votes, except that I had to disallow 17,004 votes on the grounds that they were cast by my Research Department, Judi Smith, who tabulated the votes and who HATES “Lay Lady Lay.”

To win, a song had to be known well enough so that a lot of people could hate it. This is a shame in a way, because some obscure songs that people voted for are wonderfully hideous. One reader sent a tape of a song called “Hooty Sapperticker,” by a group called Barbara and the Boys. This could be the worst song I’ve ever heard. It consists almost entirely of the Boys singing “Hooty! Hooty! Hooty!” and then Barbara saying: “Howdy Hooty Sapperticker!”

Several readers sent in an amazing CD from Rhino Records called Golden Throats, which consists of popular actors attempting to sing popular music, including William Shatner attempting “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds,” Leonard Nimoy attempting “Proud Mary,” Mae West attempting “Twist and Shout,” Eddie

Albert attempting “Blowin’ in the Wind,” and—this is my favorite—jack “Mr. Soul” Webb attempting “Try a Little Tenderness.” You need this CD.

But now for our results. Without question, the voters’ choice for Worst Song—in both the Worst Overall AND Worst Lyrics category—is ... (drum roll ...

“MacArthur Park,” as sung by Richard Harris, and later remade, for no comprehensible reason, by Donna Summer.

It’s hard to argue with this selection. My 12-year-old son Rob was going through a pile of ballots, and he asked me how “MacArthur Park” goes, so I sang it, giving it my best shot, and Rob laughed so hard that when I got to the part about leaving the cake out in the rain, and it took so long to bake it, and I’ll never have that recipe again, Rob was on the floor. He didn’t believe those lyrics were real. He was SURE his wacky old humor-columnist dad was making them up.