Dave Barry - Dave Barry Is Not Making This Up

Sure! We believe that! We believe that all over America, consumers were sitting around their dinner tables, saying, “You know Ralph, I am sick and tired of getting so much soup in a box. I’m going to write in and demand that they put less in without lowering the price.”

“Good idea!” Ralph would answer, pounding his fist on the table. “And then let’s tell Angela Lansbury about our hemorrhoids!”

No, those were not American consumers who complained to CPC International; those were Martians. Also, most product instructions are now written for Martians. Alert reader Mark Lindsay sent me the instructions for the Sunbeam Dental Water jet; under the heading IMPORTANT SAFEGUARDS is the statement—I am still not making this up—”Never use while sleeping.” Don’t try to tell me that’s for Earthlings.

And how about all those manufacturers’ coupons featuring Exciting Offers wherein it turns out, when you read the fine print, that you have to send in the coupon PLUS proof of purchase PLUS your complete dental records by registered mail to Greenland and allow at least 18 months for them to send you ANOTHER coupon that will entitle you to 29 cents off your next purchase of a product you don’t really want? Do you think anybody besides extraterrestrials ever actually does that?

I have here a package sent in by alert reader Roger Lyons, who purchased a Revlon Pedi-Care Toe Nail Clip device for $2.19 at a Giant Supermarket in Washington, D.C. On the package is Revlon’s Full Lifetime Guarantee, which states that if you find any defects, you should follow this procedure:

Wrap securely in a box or mailing tube ... Mail insured and POSTAGE PAID ... Notify us within six months if implement is not returned ... GUARANTEE IS NOT APPLICABLE if implement has been serviced by other than Revlon, has been abused or allowed to rust. Keep lightly oiled in a dry place to avoid rusting ...

And so on. Who would DO this? Who would ever think of saving the package so he or she would know HOW to do this? Only Martians! Face it, human consumers: They have taken over. It’s too late to do anything about it. Your best bet is to stay calm, remain indoors, maybe oil your toenail clippers. Me, I have to set up the landing lights on my lawn. Zorkon is bringing in a new group tonight.

Summer vacation is almost over, so today Uncle Dave has a special back-to-school “pep talk” for you young people, starting with these heart-felt words of encouragement: HA HA HA YOU HAVE TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL AND UNCLE DAVE DOESN’T NEENER NEENER NEENER.

Seriously, young people, I have some important back-to-school advice for you, and I can boil it down to four simple words: “Study Your Mathematics.”

I say this in light of a recent alarming Associated Press story stating that three out of every four high-school students—nearly 50 percent—leave school without an adequate understanding of mathematics. Frankly, I am not surprised. “How,” I am constantly asking myself, “can we expect today’s young people to understand mathematics when so many of them can’t even point their baseball caps in the right direction?”

I am constantly seeing young people with the bills of their baseball caps pointing backward. This makes no sense, young people! If you examine your cap closely, you will note that it has a piece sticking out the front called a “bill.” The purpose of the bill is to keep sun off your face, which, unless your parents did a great many drugs in the ‘60s (Ask them about it!), is located on the FRONT of your head. Wearing your cap backward is like wearing sunglasses on the back of your head, or wearing a hearing aid in your nose. (Perhaps you young people are doing this also. Uncle Dave doesn’t want to know.)

So to summarize what we’ve learned: “FRONT of cap goes on FRONT of head.” Got it, young people? Let’s all strive to do better in the coming school year!

But also we need to think about getting these math scores up. A shocking number of you young people are unable to solve even basic math problems, such as the following:

A customer walks into a fast-food restaurant, orders two hamburgers costing $2 apiece, then hands you a $5 bill. How much change should you give him? a. $2 b. $3 c. None, because the question doesn’t say you WORK there. You could just take the money and run away.

The correct answer, of course, is that you should give the customer: d. Whatever the computerized cash register says, even if it’s $154,789.62.

You young people must learn to handle basic mathematical concepts such as this if you hope to ever become a smug and complacent older person such as myself. I was fortunate enough to receive an excellent mathematical foundation as a member of the Class of 196.5 Billion Years Ago at Pleasantville High School, where I studied math under Mr. Solin, who, in my senior year, attempted to teach us calculus (from the ancient Greek words calc, meaning “the study of,” and ulus, meaning “something that only Mr. Solin could understand”).

Mr. Solin was an excellent teacher, and although the subject matter was dry, he was able to keep the class’s attention riveted on him from the moment the bell rang until the moment, several minutes later, when a large girls’ gym class walked past the classroom windows, every single day, causing the heads of us male students to rotate 90 mathematical degrees in unison, like elves in a motorized Christmas yard display. But during those brief periods when we were facing Mr. Solin, we received a solid foundation in mathematics, learning many important mathematical concepts that we still use in our professional lives as employees of top U.S. corporations. A good example is the mathematical concept of “9,” which we use almost daily to obtain an outside line on our corporate telephones so that we can order Chinese food, place bets, call 1-900-BOSOMS, and perform all of the other vital employee functions that make our economy what it is today.

You young people deserve to have the same advantages, which is why I was so pleased to note in the Associated Press story that some university professors have received a $6 million federal grant to develop new ways to teach math to high-school students. The professors know this will be a challenge. One of them is quoted as saying: “There is a mentality in this country that mathematics is something a few nerds out there do and if you don’t understand mathematics, it’s OK—you don’t need it.”

This is a bad mentality, young people. There’s nothing “nerdy” about mathematics. Contrary to their image as a bunch of out-of-it huge-butted Far Side-professor dweebs who spend all day staring at incomprehensible symbols on a blackboard while piles of dandruff form around their ankles, today’s top mathematicians are in fact a group of exciting, dynamic, and glamorous individuals who are working to solve some of the most fascinating and challenging problems facing the human race today (“Let’s see, at $2.98 apiece, with a $6 million federal grant, we could buy ... OA! That’s 2,013,422.82

POCKET PROTECTORS!”).

So come on, young people! Get in on the action! Work hard in math this year, and remember this: If some muscle-bound Neanderthal bullies corner you in the bathroom and call you a “nerd” you just look them straight in the eye and say, “Oh YEAH? Why don’t you big jerks ... LET GO! HEY. DON’T PUT MY HEAD IN THE TOILET! HEY!” And tell them that goes double for your Uncle Dave.

PUNCTUATION ‘R’ EASY

It’s time for another edition of “Ask Mister Language Person,” the column that answers your questions about grammar, vocabulary, and those little whaddyacallem marks.

Q. What are the rules regarding capital letters?

A. Capital letters are used in three grammatical situations: