Dave Barry - Dave Barry Slept Here

The Constitution divides the federal government into three equal branches:

1. Mammoth, labyrinthian departments set up for purposes that no individual taxpayer would ever in a million years voluntarily spend money on.

2. Mammoth, labyrinthian departments set up for purposes that probably made a lot of sense originally, but nobody can remember what they are.

3. Statuary.

This separation of powers creates a system of checks and balances, which protects everybody by ensuring that any action taken by one part of the government will be rendered utterly meaningless by an equal and opposite reaction from some other part.

The highest-ranking officer in the government is the president, who is elected to a four-year term after a three-year, nine-month campaign in which he is required to state that he has a Vision and plans to provide Leadership. The president’s primary duties are to get on helicopters; bitch about Congress; and send the vice president abroad to frown with sorrow at the remains of deceased foreign leaders.

The Constitution also provides for the election of a Senate, which consists of two white men in gray suits from each state; and a House of Representatives, which consists of three or four hundred men named “Bob” or “Dick” with blond wives whose hobbies are gardening, furniture, and the mentally retarded. The primary duties of the members of both houses of Congress are:

1. Running for reelection.

2. Having staffs.

3. Getting subsidized haircuts.

4. Sending out newsletters featuring photographs of themselves standing next to the president, designed to create the impression that the president is relying upon them for advice and counsel, when he is in fact trying to remember who the hell they are.

How a Bill Becomes a Law

First the bill secretes a substance that it uses to form a cocoon, and then it ... No, sorry. That’S how a caterpillar becomes a butterfly. The way a bill becomes a law is:

1. A member of Congress notices that there is some problem afflicting the nation. For example, he might notice that the nation is not observing a sufficient quantity of idiot official days and weeks, such as National Tractor Mechanic Awareness Week, and so he introduces a bill to correct this problem.

2. The bill is referred to a committee, which forms a subcommittee for the purpose of going to Geneva, Switzerland, to see if there are any facts there that might be useful.

3. The bill is reported back to the committee, which holds hearings and receives testimony from interested parties such as the American Aspirin Bottle Manufacturers Association.

4. Needed amendments are attached to the bill, for example an amendment designed to protect the American consumer from the potential dangers of aspirin bottles manufactured by unfair foreign competitors.

5. The bill is reported out of the committee.

6. Everybody goes on vacation for a couple of weeks.

7. The bill is reported back to the committee.

8. The bill is reported to the police.

9. The Supreme Court declares the bill to be unconstitutional.

10. The Cheese stands alone.

The first ten amendments to the Constitution are known as “The Bill of Rights,” because that is what everybody calls them. These amendments spell out the basic rights that all of us enjoy as Americans:

The First Amendment states that members of religious groups, no matter how small or unpopular, shall have the right to hassle you in airports. The Second Amendment states that, since a well-regulated militia is necessary to the security of a free state, you can buy high-powered guns via mail order and go out into the woods with your friends and absolutely vaporize some deer. The Third Amendment states that you don’t have to quarter troops inside your house. “You troops are just going to have to sleep on the patio” is a perfectly constitutional thing for You to tell them. The Fourth Amendment states that if your aunt had testicles, she would be your uncle. The Fifth Amendment states that your Fifth Amendment rights cannot be violated until you are advised of them. The Sixth Amendment states that if you ar accused of a crime, you have the right to a trial before a jury of people too stupid to get out of jury duty. The Seventh Amendment states that if you are in the Express Lane, and you have more than one item of produce of the same biological type, such as two grapefruit, you have the right to count these as one item in order to keep yourself under the ten-item limit. The Eighth Amendment states that if You are seated directly in front of a person who has to comment on every Single scene in the movie—and we are talking here about Perceptive Comments, such as when a movie character is getting into his car and the person behind you says, “He’s getting into his car now!”—then you have the right to go “SSSHHHHH?” two times in a warning manner, after which you have the right to kill this person with a stick. The Ninth Amendment states that you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife. The Tenth Amendment states that, OK, if your neighbor’s wife is dropping a lot of hints, really coming on to you, that is a different matter.

Ratification of the Constitution

it took a long time for the states to ratify the Constitution, because in those days communication was difficult. After a state legislature had voted for ratification, a messenger would be dispatched on horseback to carry the word to the new nation’s capital. Often he would ride for days over poor roads through sparsely populated wilderness areas until he realized that the new nation had no capital. “Ha-ha!” he would remark to his horse. “That darned legislature has tricked me again!” Then he would be attacked by bears. Clearly a capital was needed. The logical choice seemed to be Washington, D.C., a city blessed with a natural beltway teeming with consultants.

Also we should keep in mind that women and minority groups were continuing to make some gigantic contributions.

The leading contender in the first presidential election race was George Washington, who waged a campaign based on heavy exposure in media such as coins, stamps, and famous oil paintings. This shrewd strategy carried him to a landslide victory in which he carried every state except Massachusetts, which voted for George McGovern.

And thus it was that on October 8, the newly sworn-in president stood before a large cheering throng of his fellow countrymen and delivered his famous inaugural address, in which he offered the famous stirring words “We cannot [something] the [machines? birds?] of [something] will never [something]. As far as I know.” Unfortunately, there were no microphones back then. This was only one of the problems facing the fledgling nation, as we shall see.

1. How come history books never have sex scenes? You know, like: “James Madison, unable to restrain his passion any longer, thrust his ink-engorged pen into the second draft of the Federalist papers.

2. Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, With a top speed of

120 feet per second, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter. How long, traveling at top speed, will it take the cow to travel 360 feet?

Once the federal government was organized, the biggest problem was how to pay off the fledgling nation’s massive war debt. The Founding Fathers were starting to get disturbing letters like this:

Dear Mr. Father:

This is the fourth time we’ve written regarding your outstanding balance of $23,784,982.34. While we certainly value your fledgling business, we must inform you that unless you immediately make arrangements to repay this amount, we will regretfully have to return you to British rule.