Dave Barry - Dave Barry Slept Here

Clearly this was a ticket that even the Democrats would have a difficult time losing to, but they worked at it and managed to come up with the ideal candidate in the form of “Mike” Dukakis, a man who, because of a tragic genetic defect, was limited to the same basic range of expressions as an iguana. He’d be making a speech, and he’d start to raise his voice, and it would look like there might be some actual emotion going on inside him, but then suddenly his tongue would flick out to snare a passing insect, and the whole effect would be ruined.

But you also have to give a large pile of credit to Bush and his top political strategist, Darth Vader. Their campaign, conducted via highly informative television commercials, focused on the issues that were certain to be of vital concern to the nation in the years to come, especially:

The pledge of allegiance. Furloughed rapist Willie Horton. The budget deficit, and whether it could be corrected by forcing furloughed rapist Willie Horton to say the pledge of allegiance over and over. For fifty years.

When election day rolled around, tens of millions of American voters, impressed by the level of debate, went to the mall. But some of them also cast their ballots, and the Bush-Quayle ticket was swept into office with a clear-cut popular mandate to please not have another election for at least four years.

That is where we stand today. And what lies ahead? Will we be able to solve our social and economic problems, clean up our environment? maybe even improve our technology to the Point where we can land a manned spacecraft on Trump? Unfortunately, we cannot know what will happen in the future. If this book proves anything, it’s that we don’t even know what happened in the past. But we do know this: America is a strong and great country, and her people have withstood many trials and tribulations (More tribulations, actually, because many never went to trial.). And whatever problems lie ahead, we may be sure of one thing: that if we all work together and “hang tough,” there will come a day when this nation—maybe not in the next few years; maybe not even in our lifetimes; but someday—will see the end of “Dick” Nixon’s political career. But we wouldn’t bet on it.

1. How about we go get a beer?

A

Anal Compulsive Party, 57

B

Bacon, Lettuce, and Tomato, Samuel, 78

Bono, Sonny, 143

Booger, as dog name, 132

Buster and the Harpoons, 137

C

Calamari, “Nicky the Squid,” 153

Camp Sharparoon, 37

Carlisle, Kitty, 57

Celtics, Boston, 91

Charles “Chuck” IV, King, IX Consumer, Mr. and Mrs. Joe, 124

Cosine, the, 140

Cummings, e. e. “buster,” 106

D

Dead, Grateful, 122

Del-Vikings, 56

De Rigeur, Juan Ponce, ix “Doodle, Yankee,” 41

E

Enormous swimming rabbit attacks Jimmy Carter, 161

F

Fashion Statement of 1787, 46

Fondue in the Colonial Era, 35

Franklin, Aretha, discovery of, 148

Franklin, Benjamin, emits drool streamer, 47

H

Harding, Harding G., 105

I

island, Gilligan’s 150

J

Joke, knock-knock 132

L

Large, by and, 94

Leghorn, Foghorn 149

Long distance, invention of, 76

Louis the Somethingth, 29

M

McGraw, “Quick Draw,” 81

Midnight Surprise Fruit Wine and Dessert Topping, VI Moby-Dick vs. the Atomic Bat from Hell, 65

N

National Tractor Mechanic Awareness Week, 49

O

Orbison, Roy, and Kennedy assassination, 149

P

Pig, Porky, 151

Pinto Beans of Lust, The, 115

Piper, Peter, 130

Pistons, Detroit, 5

Pooper, party, 146

Pope Bilious XIV, IX Pouty Pants, Mister, 163

S

Scary-Looking Women with Hatchets, 97

Skywalker, Luke, 81

Small Hairless Nocturnal Rodent party, 96

Soup, cock-a-leeky, 7

Spam, 128

Spasms,5

T

Tenants putting things in toilets, 43

Tuna casserole, military effectiveness of, 89

V

Vader, Darth, 174

W

Warren, G. Harding, 101

Z

Zedong, Mao, 154

DAVE Barry was described in The New York Times Book Review as “the funniest man in America,” a claim he has been quick to disavow, except for the plaque on the front door. Nevertheless, the reviewer got there late: The Pulitzer Prize Committee had cited him for commentary earlier in 1988, and he got off with an appropriately light sentence (Even earlier, in 1986, he won the Distinguished Writing Award of the American Association of Newspaper Editors, but what do they know?). Apart from these facts—which, as Mr. Barry occasionally Puts it—we are not making up, the relevant details seem to be that he writes for The Miami Herald and is syndicated in approximately 150 other newspapers, several of which make money despite this.

Barry lives with his wife, Beth, and son, Robby, in a Coral Gables, Florida, house surrounded by giant mutant spiders.