Dave Barry - Dave Barry Slept Here

And so the Reagan-Bush juggernaut easily swept to victory in all but a handful of states (Which were immediately purchased by Donald Trump.), thus paving the way for

The Reagan Revolution was run by Staunch Conservatives who wanted the government to stop wasting money on bloated, inefficient social programs and start wasting it on bloated, inefficient military programs. Foremost among these was the Strategic Defense Initiative, or “Star Wars,” which is a far-flung network of highly sophisticated, state-of-the-art “defense contractors” orbiting a giant, five-sided structure called the “Pentagon,” which constantly emits high-intensity beams of “money.” In the event of a nuclear attack, electronic communications devices called “telephones” would be used to instantaneously alert the president and his top “defense strategists” that it is time for them to be whisked to secret radiation-proof underground “hideouts” stocked with food and water and recreational activities such as “Ping-Pong” and protected by vicious biting dogs from intrusion by sick, desperate, starving, and increasingly hairless “taxpayers.” Thanks to the miracle of computers, all this would take place in less time than it takes for a family of four to order breakfast!

However, in the area of foreign policy, the major focus of the first Reagan term was Central America, a region of immense strategic vitality to the United States because if it were to ever fall into the hands of communist troops, they would be eaten by insects. Thus it was with extreme interest that Americans viewed the struggle between the “Sandinistas,” a group of anticommunist ex-military officers from Honduras, to overthrow the contras , a group of pro—militarist ex-communists from El Salvador, in an effort to control Nicaragua, the site of the vital Suez Canal, which ... No, wait a minute. sorry. What we mean is Americans viewed with extreme interest the struggle between the “Hondurans,” a group of ex-Panamanian Nicaraguans, to control the “Canal Zones” a group of pro-contra, ex-cathedral, nondenominational ... No, hold it. Never mind. The Point is that there were a great many strategic things going on down in this vital dirtball region, which is why the Reagan administration called upon its crack intelligence strategists to put down their bananas and get to work. It was clear that we were going to take an active role in the region, a policy that soon led to the turning point in the battle against communist infiltration in the Western Hemisphere, namely:

This war began when Cuban Communist Construction workers began actively engaging in suspected acts of construction on the island of Grenada which not only contains an abundant natural supply of American medical students but also happens to be in a very strategic and vital location.

Clearly some kind of action had to be taken, and on October 8, it was. Backed by massive sea and air support, nearly two thousand marines stormed onto the island, despite the very real danger that they might sink it. Nevertheless, they were able to overcome not only armed resistance but numerous loose goats, thus winning the war and paving the way for a peace settlement under which we agreed to give the Grenadans upward of $100 million, in return for which they agreed to be our friends, which they still were, we think, last time anybody checked.

Another foreign-policy triumph for Reagan was his 1984 visit to China, where he met for more than three hours with Mao Zedong before realizing that Mao was dead. Aides described the talks as “frank.”

This was exactly the kind of firm leadership that Americans had been yearning for, so Reagan was extremely popular when the 1984 presidential election campaign lumbered into view. And once again the Republicans got a lot of help from the Democrats, who by this point were acting as though they were conducting an experiment to see if it was possible to run a major presidential camPaign without winning a single state.

The Democrats nominated Walter Mondale, who immediately announced in that distinctive voice of his that sounded as if emanating from a nasal passage the size of a gymnasium, that if he were elected, he would jack up taxes. This shrewd move immediately earned him the support of more than half the members of his immediate family, and he went on to lose so badly that people are still, years later, showing up at the polls at all hours of the day and night and demanding an opportunity to vote against him.

But Mondale can claim one major achievement: He chose as his running mate Geraldine A. Ferraro, who will become a footnote (Geraldine A. Ferraro.) to history.

The big excitement in the second Reagan term was the “Iran-contra” scandal, which was caused when somebody in the White House, we are still not sure who, but definitely not the president, decided to sell arms to the Iranian government, which is the same group of greaseballs who took American hostages, which is why we have laws against selling arms to them, but this case was an exception because the money was supposed to go to either the Sandinistas or maybe the contras, some strategic group down there, so it was perfectly OK to sell the arms, although we wish to stress once again that the president knew nothing about it, and even if he did he later forgot, which is no big deal because if a president clutters up his mind with every pesky little detail such as what the foreign policy is, he has no room left for important matters.

When news of this got out, there was a big scandal, culminating in marathon hearings by the Joint House and Senate Committee to Bore Everybody to Death. The highlight of these hearings was the testimony of Oliver North, a marine lieutenant colonel who was considered the key witness because he had been single-handedly operating the executive branch of the federal government for several years while everybody else was in meetings. In a dramatic televised moment, North, his eyes moist and his voice shaking, revealed to the committee that he was a courageous patriot, after which he became so overcome by emotion that he knocked over his bottle of Revlon eye moistener.

Eventually, the nation overcame the trauma of Iran-contra and went back to reading the sports pages. And Reagan was soon able to “bounce back” from the scandal by going to the Soviet Union, which is in Russia, and signing a historic agreement with Mikhail Gorbachev that enormously enhanced the prospects for world peace by prohibiting either side from ever publicly noticing the huge mark on Mr. Gorbachev’s head.

Meanwhile, however, new problems were beginning to form. Chief among these was the federal budget deficit, which was mounting at an alarming rate. Both the Reagan administration and the Democratic-controlled Congress had tried a number of possible solutions—increased government spending, having the government spend more money, increasing the amount of money being spent by the government—but that darned ol’ deficit just would not go away. On top of that, there were other serious problems such as the AIDS epidemic, the Greenhouse Effect, the trade imbalance, drugs, illiteracy, Geraldo Rivera getting his own TV show, and so on. Obviously, the nation was in desperate need of bold new leadership and vision, which was too bad because the next scheduled event was ...

This time the Republicans, determined to show the nation that they liked a joke as much as the next person, nominated George Bush, who selected as his running mate young “Dan” Quayle, a Vietnam-era veteran who had received the coveted Round Smiley Face decoration in recognition of the time he accidentally stapled his sleeve to the desk and was trapped for nearly two hours.