Dave Barry - Stay Fit And Healthy Until You’re Dead

Of course, a pregnant woman can’t do the same exercises as a normal person. Most gynecologists, for example, frown on the pole vault after about the seventh month. But there are still some exercises that work very well for the mother-to-be, such as:

1. TRY TO TOUCH THE WALL. Stand in a relaxed fashion with your arms over your head and your abdominal area forming a large tissue mass directly between you and the wall. Now gradually lean forward until your arms touch the wall, if such a thing is possible, and then return to the full standing position.

2. TRY TO GET OUT OF A CAR. Have several burly friends somehow place you behind the wheel of a 1979 Chevrolet Chevette, or some equally absurd little car, then have them time you as you attempt to get out of it in such a way that your undergarments are not clearly visible from other planets. Eight minutes is the world’s record.

3. KNEE CLENCH. Go to a nice restaurant with friends and attempt to get all the way to the appetizers without going to the bathroom more than twice.

Q. What about fitness for the fetus?

A. You should indeed embark upon a rigorous program of fetal fitness, for otherwise the fetus will be born pasty and flabby and lacking in muscle definition, and in later life it may have trouble getting accepted by the better aerobic dancing institutes. Of course, getting the fetus to exercise is not easy, any more than teaching the fetus to read is easy, but if you truly are a Concerned Parent, you will find a way.

I particularly recommend a new product developed by the fine people who make Nautilus equipment. It’s called the “Fetahis” and it’s specially designed for the fetus to use in the womb. It’s a very effective device and well worth the cost, although to be perfectly frank the insertion process is not everybody’s cup of tea.

Some Helpful Answers for People Who Smoke

Q. I’m a smoker, and ...

A. You’re a what?

Q. I’m a smoker, and I’d really like to ...

A. You are slime, you know that? You are raw industrial sewage.

Q. Yes, I know. I really want to quit. I just hate ...

A. Why don’t you just suck on the exhaust pipe of a poorly tuned automobile, huh? Why don’t you just go around spraying Agent Orange on your fellow restaurant patrons?

Q. Of course you are absolutely right. It’s just that it’s so hard to stop, and I’m getting desperate, and I was hoping that maybe you’d have some tips on how ...

A. I’ll tell you one thing. If you ever try to ignite one of those repulsive toxic objects in a restaurant where I am dining, I shall order a reputable brand of designer carbonated water and forcibly pour it into your nasal passages. Do I make myself clear?

Q. Yes, and I can certainly understand why you feel that way.

A. Well, you’d damned well better.

Q. Thank you.

A. Get out of my sight before I vomit.

Q. I am very, very proud of my body. I have calluses on the top of my head formed by bumping into things because I walk around looking down at my various major muscle groupings. My question is: What will happen to my body when I die? Who will take care of it? Will it become soft and shapeless?

A. You will be pleased to learn that the long-neglected field of postmortem fitness has received a real “shot in the arm” lately with the emergence of the Eterna-Body chain of fitness centers, each equipped with the patented Cryo-Physique Room, which is very much like a sauna, except that instead of exposing living people to heat, it lowers the temperature of dead people to approximately 325 degrees below zero, at which temperature they acquire a firmness of muscle tone that we normally associate only with world-class bodybuilders and certain minerals.

Q. About a year ago, my husband got on a rigorous fitness program, and he definitely looks much, much better. The problem is, he has taken to viewing our lovemaking as primarily a form of exercise. Like, for example, he wears ankle weights and Heavy Hands, which are no picnic during foreplay. Also, I have a problem with the idea of having my sexual partner, at a very intimate moment, if you get my drift, shout his pulse rate into a tape recorder. Don’t you think he’s carrying this too far?

A. Absolutely. First of all, the Heavy Hands aren’t doing him nearly as much good as dumbbells would, and second, I see no reason why he can’t simply use a felt-tipped marker to jot his pulse rate down quietly on an exposed patch of your skin.

Q. I’m a part of a team of CIA operatives currently operating in a fungal, lice-ridden Central American nation that I, of course, cannot reveal the name of because it’s a secret. Our main mission here is to win over the local peasantry to the cause of Freedom and Democracy via a two-pronged program of (a) teaching them how to make sandwiches, and (b) shooting suspected opposition peasants in the head. What I was wondering was, do you think it would help if we also sponsored Dancercise classes?

A. Sounds like a winner! There’s nothing that backward peoples enjoy quite so much as dancing, to judge from any number of comical old movies I have seen, wherein the natives are always leaping around and putting Bob Hope in a large iron pot. Be sure your peasants wear an approved style of leg warmer, which the Department of Defense will be able to procure for you at a cost of $63,400 per leg.

Q. What preparations has the government made to insure that our top federal officials will be able to remain fit in the unfortunate event of a total thermonuclear war?

A. At the first sign of trouble, these officials will be whisked to a giant underground Strategic Fitness Facility guarded by vicious federal dogs. This facility will be staffed by a corps of female personnel who have been chosen for their knowledge of postnuclear aerobic routines as well as their overall body taughtness. Also there will, of course, be a sauna and several lead-lined racquetball courts, although, as one top government planner put it, “It won’t be a picnic in there. Towels will be at a premium.”

Q. I am employed by a large corporation, and I work in an office where my primary responsibility is to discuss “General Hospital” with Helen and Louise. As you can imagine, this does not involve a great deal of physical activity, and I have, quite frankly, developed a rear end which could serve as a bulldozer-flotation device. So I was wondering if you can suggest any kind of fitness program that a person can do at her desk.

A. Certainly. Each morning, during a quiet period, quietly slip off your shoes, push your chair away from your desk, and engage in five minutes of gentle stretching, followed by five minutes each of toe touches, dressage, the luge, and the 400-meter butterfly. Of course, some of these activities may require minor changes in your office routine, to allow for such things as feeding the horse, but I’m sure your employer will have no objection once you threaten to file a gigantic class-action suit alleging you are being discriminated against on the basis of being pear-shaped.

A

“All My Children,” 199

American Beet Farmer, 259

Arbor Day, 238

B

Bertha the Amazing Land Whale, 201-202

C

Carp, giant, 227

Clinic, Dr. Ted, 265

Communists, 188

F

Ford, Gerald, 193

Frequent Casual Motel Sex Diet, The, 246

G

Godzilla, 261

Gone With the Wind, 198

H

Hummocks, 226

J

Jacks, Cracker, 190

M

Manilow, Barry, 211

Mister Sphincter, 198