StaWle Zosimov Wisewordski - Notes of a Russian homeless. Humorous stories

– — Well, let’s pour it. – the prisoner took a bubble and printed it and poured it into a mug. – come in, sit down, dear guests, make yourself at home. – He suggested and tinned from the throat, and then washed down from the mug. – Haaa!!! he breathed out and widened his eyes. – Only I, as a mother, were buried from an appetizer, with a rolling ball, not a damn thing. Only black caviar. She’s already in my throat sticking out. You want, climb into the cellar.

– — Diathesis, you say? I explained.

– -What?? asked Kharya. – who is it?

– — This is my fraer, correct and not convicted. – explained mine.

– — And what kind of miracle are you? – I also boldly asked the prisoner.

– — Quietly, quietly guys do not trump. – reassured my and introduced the owner to me a coat. “This is my own uncle with a twenty-year sentence.”

– — Twenty-five year old … – corrected Kharya. – Well, climb the young cellar?! After all, you will not send your woman?

– — And what? I can slay. – suggested mine.

– -Your business. said Kharya and poured himself another vodka. – Mugs are gone. – and pushed her towards me.

– — Sit, honey, I’m licking, and you’ll work at night.

– — Frets. – answered my.

I climbed in under the floor, lit a match and was stunned; on the shelves were pieces of thirty-three liter cans of canned black caviar. I took out two cans.

As soon as we took half a liter from one mug, in turn, as if a chifir, as two police officers entered the house.

– — Well, Harya? – they drove. – didn’t have time to lean back and already the boar from the Tradeswoman stole? Come, pack up, come with us.

– -What for? – asked my.

– — Give a confession. Do you want with him, Vasilisa? – suggested a bold and shallow cop.

– — In principle, you can work out instead. – Added a skinny and long cop.

– — But dick you guessed it!! – the drunk Kharya snickered, took a hammer and two nails for one hundred and fifty millimeters from the windowsill, and one by one he nailed their feet to the wooden floor, without taking off their slippers, not wrinkling and, apparently, not feeling pain. Blood slowly soaked slippers. “Now take me, but don’t touch my niece, otherwise you’ll go to the bucket yourself… Well.., Weak?. I didn’t steal a boar; I will not see a century of will.

– — Well, you’re a fool, Harya. – Drawn bold.

– — Exactly, it collapsed from oak, why is it so cruel? – added skinny.

– — Why so cruel? Come, Palych, to the cyclops, his tension. – suggested bold. – This one doesn’t walk, it doesn’t walk.

– — In, you fool, Harya!! Now, Vaska, – he turned to mine. – Put the sink, otherwise it’s the floor is pissed. – turned around and left.

Kharya took pliers from the window sill and pulled the nails back without any tension, without ever twisting his face. We opened our mouths in surprise.

– — Yes, do not scrutinize you guys. he reassured us. -pour.., my legs were still frostbitten in the mines. But this gray scum falls off immediately. Hahaha!!! – and he laid bare his filthy mouth, from which one could see the blackened bits of former teeth.

– — Honey, my yachting! – my friend addressed me. – rushed upon him, he has all the boys. He’s a woman for his whole life, but his mother did not see him on dates. She even gave birth to him in the zone when she was serving her term with my grandmother for a bag of grain that they stole together, two twin sisters. Yes uncle?

– — Yes, this is garbage, listen, what a joke from the zone I will tell you … – And Kharya, without paying attention to flies, continued the recollections of funny stories that took place in prison.

– — And the whole area had to stand for two hours at fifty-five degrees of frost.

– -And what happened? the niece asked uncle.

– -… So it was like this: at an evening check, since there was no contractor.

– -And who is it? I asked, having passed the zone in absentia.

– — This is a prisoner who gives work to other prisoners, thumps with the owner of the zone. – explained mine. Kharya lit a cigarette and blew smoke rings.

– -… The whole area was turned upside down. – continued Kharya. – There is no goat of this and all, and frost – minus forty-five. Northern lights and rushing from the sky. It was then that I blundered with my feet, then went rotten suit, tormented by my feet.

– — And what, did you find this? – I wondered.

– — Ahhh… Yes, they found.., heh.., in the shower, in kind, I’ll fucking. This schmuck, naked in front of a mirror-dressing table on his ass shank jerked off.

– — Hahahaha!!! – Yelled. – What, in kind?

– -What? – Asked mine.

– -What?! Pinned on his beep (ass). There the whole zone is still popping … – Harya still tinned the mug and Ostap suffered. – And there was still a joke. To tell?

– — Come on, come on, cool! – supported mine.

– — Miracle one in the toilet of shit blinded. From all the aftershocks, he collected an unshaved shit and fashioned a thick sausage that looked one-on-one like horseradish for men, half a meter high. And everyone walked, looked and didn’t understand who had such an extensive anal passage that he couldn’t forget, and he monumentalized it in a statue. For a long time she stood there and amused all the visitors. In short, there’s one madhouse and there’s nothing to do there. Tell me better, how are you, in St. Petersburg or in Moscow?!

We looked at each other and hacked, smiling.

– — What does it say!? – My said, body dimensions: one hundred twenty – fifty – one hundred and twenty. – Like everywhere: today is pan, and tomorrow is gone.

– — Yes there are jokes there too. – I vibrated her machine-vibrator, that is, I, pouring another mug. – Anecdote better listen. It means that the beaver and the log are pushing against the current, and the raven smokes nonsense at the bitch of a tree and looks at the beaver’s difficult torment. He swam, swam, sees, the crow sits and chews. “Give, – thinks, – I will rest” and asks her: – — What, they say, are you doing a feathered? and she: – — Me? – the crow grinned. – I smoke bamboo,.. Uuuuiii!!! … Huuuuu.

Beaver: – — So what? Khe, hr.. – the beaver broke away from the smoke coming in his direction.

Crow: – — rushing.., for fun everything.., and I want to live… Ahhahaha!!!

Beaver: – — And how to smoke something?

Crow: – — Yes, pull and hold, hold until you fly away.. Want to try?

Beaver: – — And what, come on?!

And the crow blew a beaver a column of smoke, like from a steam train. Beaver swallowed it and held it in the depths of his lungs. The inflated rodent’s body slowly sank to its back, and he began to sink to the bottom, letting go of the log and spreading his legs. A beaver was filled with a sense of curiosity when fish swam past him and algae waved at him along the path where his current carried. And how he had not noticed such a vision and beauty before. For the first time in his life, he submitted to the river and nature.

At the same time, around the bend, Behemoth sits on the banks of this river and erases his underpants. He sees a beaver pops up and exhales smoke.

Hippopotamus: – — Are you a beaver? – the hippo was surprised. – the log was there, but now, like a washcloth, you pop up?

Beaver: – — There! There!!! Around the bend of a crow, bamboo smokes!!!!!!

Hippopotamus: – — Where??

Beaver: – — There!!!!! – Carried by the current, the beaver said.

The hippo was intrigued and, abandoning his venture, dived into the water.