StaWle Zosimov Wisewordski - Notes of a Russian homeless. Humorous stories

– — Cattle Sergey Baituleuovich. – insultingly called his name secular Seraphim. – I’ll curse it. he hissed.

– -What?? – Asked the cop.

– — I say that I wore this name for a long time, before tonsure and the adoption of a celibacy dinner. he declared and hissed again. – I’ll curse it.

– — Right now I’ll drive you between the legs with a club. – snarled the second, standing on the back of the saint’s father. – That’s right, it’s already night now?!

– — In the morning – Cattle, and in the evening.. – sitting next to him added. – — This is not so; I have already been faithful for twenty years. – I started to ache like a child whose candy was taken away.

– — Hey, Seraphim, he’s a Redneck..

– — He is Chikatilo. – Having interrupted, he added a healthy cop.

– — Have you seen the relics of your tesos?

– — Yes, oh, boss!

– — Oh how! – the duty officer smiled. – And stole a bone? – everyone laughed. – And he came to St. Petersburg to sell it more often?! – the scream intensified.

– — Do not blaspheme, Antichrist, Herod the king of heaven, otherwise I will damn you all!!!! – Seraphim bulged out his eyes and inadvertently pulled old-fashioned.

– — But there is no need to fart. – noticed the duty officer.

– — Yes, he curses like that. – added the cop standing in the back. Seraphim even more revealed his slanting eyes, the pupils of which were: one is dark green, and the other is light brown.

– — Do you want me to curse you right now? – asked the healthy one with a gun. – in short, you’ll get out, the canopy in our barn in our department right now to clean.

– — And I will complain to the prosecutor on behalf of the Orthodox Church. – Comrade Cattle frowned.

– — Went away, watermelon, are you from western Ukraine? Stepan, shut it back.

In the morning we were released, and we were left without Seraphim, he was forced to clean the toilet. By lunchtime, he caught up with us and we prayed and headed to the visible outlets…

8 note

I also served under the contract…

I also served under the contract, although in absentia, from the words of the inhabitants of this Nochlezhka and so as not to get confused in the stories and events, I, everything written in this cycle: (notes from the Experienced Offspring of Worldly Life (Bum)), equated to the nominative character, type of stories about Vasily Terkin, of course, if someone read about him. I only heard about his exploits, which were performed by different fighters, at different times. In general, I served … “I” is the name of the protagonist of my notes, keep in mind… In general, I also served on a contract basis. We went on patrol for two weeks and returned to base. Approaching it, we were struck, so to speak, by a demobilization chord: the Chechens provoked the shooting of two posts between themselves and we were caught in crossfire and we had to sit out in the river, neck all day, and when the commanders sorted it out, we were greeted and warmed heroes, it’s a pity that only three of our group were killed on the pass of the State Border.. The kingdom of heaven is with them, although among them there was one Muslim, then Allah Akbar.

After washing in the bathhouse and changing the stinking outfit to home, we set about living a legal two-week vacation. We walked and were bored, waiting for a new trip. Somehow we are standing at the gates of the base and we see a local resident coming and, apparently, to us.

– — What do you need? we asked him.

– — Hey, bro, give me two kirzuhs? – Approaching, he asked with an oriental funny accent, two tarpaulin boots.

– -What for?

– — Give me a brother, huh? Tomorrow, for eight months, a sheep ram walk, grazing gathered.

– — And what, in galoshes not to pass?

– -Well no! What say stupidity? – The Chechen is a little fussed. – the goat takes with him.

– -What for? I asked reluctantly.

– — What, sheep ate, goats go go graze? – with the ironic sergeant. – I don’t understand why you need boots?!

– — Wai, no, the goat hind leg boot pops, yeah? And a cabbage hovering, sacks, how to remember with a wife.

– — Hey, are you a dreamer?! And how much money will you give?

– — Wah, why the money, rat. Chacha wineskin, yeah. Shorter chacha.

– — Okay, just look, if you fool, I’ll shoot you like a jackal.

– -Why so rude? Salim is not cheating. Salim is honest.

– — Ahmed said the same thing, but he sold the chacha as weak as water. – the sergeant in the distance noticed a bald spirit who gathered wildflowers and tasted the petals.

We looked at each other and decided.

– — Hey, you.., go syud! shouted the sergeant. The spirit unquestioningly obeyed the order, took off his boots and threw them at the abrek of Caucasian nationality. He caught the shoes, kissed them, and pulled a five-liter serpentine chachi from his trouser pocket and threw it at us before taking a sip and swallowing it demonstratively, supposedly not contagious.

Morning a happy day!!!

Only the abrek escaped, grabbing a shepherd from a failure near the herding herd, apparently trying on boots for his goat girlfriends, who should pacify their mountain temper and hormone, recalling his beloved wife, as the corporal suggested:

– — And what?!

– — Yes, you can!? the sergeant answered.

– -So? – I asked the private.

– — A ride. – answered the foreman and we went over the hillock, from where all the left herd of sheep, which should soon be deployed in the mountains, was clearly visible. They took a machine with a silencer and, having taken up a fighting position, drained the wineskin. Chacha turned out to be crappy, like a compote.

– — Goat, abrek, again he was boiling, well, nothing, we will arrange cockroach races for them now. – the sergeant was indignant, took aim at the nearby big sheep, standing in close proximity to us, curly-haired. “Pooh!!” and a bullet cut off a bush growing next to a ram. Baran did not pay attention.

– — Give, cross-eyed. – grabbed the corporal. He took aim and “Pooh!”, Hit a hawk flying over the herd.

– — Club, where are you shooting?! – pulling out an automatic rifle, the foreman smiled.

– — Why, the return? – the corporal dismissed.

– — What are you driving? How is it, first recoil, and then volley? foreman and “Pooh!” took aim. A fool’s bullet, flying over a ram and rushing into the meadow, tied behind a hare. That poor fellow both right and left, will bend down and bounce, and the bullet, like a bizky bore: it will fly away, it will return; then notice, then miss. So she drove the slanting into the forest.

– — Eh!! – He uttered tensely, watching the hare, the foreman and hit the ground with an automatic machine, bowed his head. – This is chacha. In vain they called Abrek.

– — Yes, exactly, the chacha squinted. – supported corporal.

– — Do not despair gentlemen comrades fellow soldiers. – I comforted, private, I don’t remember what kind of troops of the Russian Federation, I took the machine gun, unscrewed the silencer, I noticed, how I will give a volley to the whole district, and even not rushing, and so the seed fell off the belt and at the ram standing back to us derivative organs, that is, in Russian – eggs. The ram jumped about three meters to the top, landed hard, intensively emptied like a machine gun, yelled like a battalion, my father, no, my stepfather, and, agitating any ripening herding herd, ran away to the top of the mountain. The clap from the shot was already at the top and triggered by shaking massive snow hanging, which led to the formation of avalanches, which voluntarily slipped on the other side of the cliff, hooking a third of the running herd and eight yellow villages. There were casualties not only among people, but also among local residents.