Jane Austen - Pride and Prejudice, a play founded on Jane Austen's novel

[ Starting from his absorption. ] Eh? What? [ Pompously again. ] Excuse me, Miss Elizabeth, on what subject did you ask my opinion?

I asked you if you didn't think it was a very pleasant thing to meet new neighbours.

Most assuredly, Miss Elizabeth, if those neighbours are possessed of those qualifications which redound to their own credit, and to the edification of their friends. Otherwise, as a clergyman, I must hesitate in my approval. [ To Mrs. Bennet.] You realise, I am sure, Madam, the caution which should ever be exercised where my amiable young cousins are concerned.

Yes, mamma, you really should be cautious.

Nonsense! Why, my dear Mr. Collins, we have found out all about them. Mr. Bingley and Mr. Darcy are connected with some of the most respectable families in England.

[ In amazement. ] Mr. Darcy? Mr. Fitzgerald Darcy! My dear Madam, can it be possible that you are to be honoured by a visit from him? Respectable indeed! Why, he is the nephew of my noble patroness, Lady Catherine de Bourg. It is true that I have never yet had the honour of meeting him – but he frequently visits his aunt, and she has promised to bring him on some occasion to inspect my humble abode. I am surprised, indeed, by this civility on his part. [ Anxiously. ] I only fear there may be some mistake, for Mr. Darcy has the reputation of possessing a very natural pride of birth; but if your information is indeed to be relied upon, I think Lady Catherine would consent to my approval of this visit, provided my fair cousins will keep in mind the proper attitude of respectful humility which should be assumed toward a person of his superior station.

We will promise you, Mr. Collins, never for one instant to forget either Mr. Darcy's exalted position or our own insignificance.

[ Looking at her with admiration. ] With that assurance, Miss Elizabeth, I think even Lady Catherine would be satisfied. So I need no longer withhold my sanction.

[ Curtsying. ] We thank you, sir.

This is the very attitude of mind I could desire. [ To Mrs. Bennet.] I think, with your permission, I will now retire again to the library. [ Going over smilingly to Jane.] There was a volume of Fordyce's sermons that you may remember I was reading to you in this room yesterday. I do not find it in the library. Do you know where it is? [ Looking about him. ]

I haven't seen it, Mr. Collins. I will try to find it for you. [ She starts as if to go out of the room. ]

[ Wishing to leave them together. ] No – no, Lydia will find it. Lydia, my love, go see if you can find the sermons for Mr. Collins.

[Lydia, with a grimace, rises slowly from her chair .]

Oh, Mrs. Bennet, I am quite sure that I saw the book in the hall. I will go fetch it.

[ Sharply. ] On no account, Charlotte. Lydia will find the book. Lizzy, go and get the mud off your shoes.

Oh, I will not trouble any of you ladies.

It is no trouble, Mr. Collins. Charlotte, if you will come with me, I have a parcel I should like to send your mother.

But I assure you, Madam —

[ As they go out , Mrs. Bennet — looking daggers at Charlotte — tries to keep Mr. Collins with Jane.]

Lydia will find your book, Mr. Collins.

On no account, Madam —

[ With awkward gallantry Mr. Collins ushers out the ladies – Lydia rebellious , Charlotte somewhat offended .]

[ With an amused smile, having watched the party vanish, turns to Jane and speaks to her in mock-heroic fashion .] Miss Bennet! Do you realise the honour which is so soon to fall upon our humble home, and our gratefully humble selves?

[ Smiling. ] Oh, Lizzy!

Do you really grasp in its full significance the fact that we may soon be honoured by a visit from Mr. Bingley of Netherfield and Mr. Fitzgerald Darcy, nephew of the Lady Catherine de Bourg?

Oh, Lizzy, Mr. Collins is a little pompous, but he seems a very well-meaning young man – indeed, sometimes quite agreeable.

[ Looking quizzically, but affectionately, at her sister. ] No one can be anything but agreeable in the mind of our dear Jane. This time, however, I quite agree with you, I am as delighted as papa with Mr. Collins. I can see that his mixture of servility and importance promises well.

And I think Mr. Bingley and Mr. Darcy promise well. If the half of what our neighbours say is true, Mr. Bingley will give us all sorts of gaieties. [ Slyly. ] Who knows? We may find him as entertaining as Mr. Wickham.

As Mr. Wickham? Then, dear Jane, we shall be rich indeed. [ Counting on her fingers. ] For hospitality – Mr. Bingley; for conversation – Mr. Wickham; for grandeur – Mr. Darcy, and the agreeable Mr. Collins!

Oh, Lizzy! Can not you let the poor man alone?

With all my heart. I will gladly let him alone. You shall have him all to yourself. [ Mischievously. ] If only Mr. Collins knew your good opinion of him! But he is too modest to find it out for himself.

[ Playfully pulling Elizabeth's ear .] You are a tease!

[ Entering. ] The two gentlemen from Netherfield have just brought their horses into the paddock, Madam.

Show them in, Harris, and speak to Mrs. Bennet at once.

[Harris bows and goes out .]

They have come soon, Lizzy. Really this is very civil in them.

Uncommonly civil. Come with me, Jane. I must make myself tidy. Mud and dirty petticoats for Mr. Darcy! – Oh, that would never do.

[ They run off, laughing. There is a short pause. Then Mr. Bingley and Mr. Darcy enter. The latter is very quiet, with an air of scornful hauteur . Bingley, on the contrary, has a gracious and animated manner . Harris ushers them in, much impressed .]

[ To Harris.] You will announce us to Mr. Bennet and the ladies.

[Harris goes out .]

Do you know, Darcy, I believe that was George Wickham we saw just now, going toward the Drake Farm.

[ Quietly. ] I think there is no doubt of it.

But what is he doing here?

[ With assumed indifference. ] Probably it is his regiment which is stationed at Meryton.

[ Excitedly. ] No, Darcy! You don't mean it! Why, confound it, if I had had any notion of that – I … I…

[ Contemptuously. ] I don't think we need mind Wickham.