George Burnham - The History of the Hen Fever. A Humorous Record

Dear Sir: Yours duly received. I did not suppose that the price of the "Cochins" was so high – but I must have a trio of them, at any figure. I enclose you fifty dollars for them, agreeably with your proposal, relying upon your known good taste in selections, and upon your proverbial reputation as regards the keeping only of pure stock. Send them by Adams & Co.'s Express, in a roomy cage. If they are prime, my neighbors will very shortly order from you, I am sure.

Mr. Barnam:

Them two fowls I bought of you, by seeing the pictur in the newspaper, and which I paid you $35 cash down on the nail for, aint what they're cracked up to be – not by a long short, sir. Now, what I want you to do is to sen me back my munney, or I'll prosecute you and put you in prizon for cheating people by false pertences. I was so mad when I took them out of the box that I'd a good mine to kill an eat em both on the spot. 2 2 O, the cannibal! I aint no hen -man, I'd have you to understan, an you can't come none of this kine of nonsense over me . Sen me back my munney, or I'll complain of you in tu days before a Justis of the Peas – a friend of mine, that'll give you fits if you air a big man. I don't keer for that. I want my munney. The fowls is both sick, too. Answer this tu once, or els sen me back my munney. 3 3 I never heard from this customer again, and should now be glad to know if he ever got his "munney"!

G.P. Burnham; Esq.:

I saw a cage of superb Cochin-China fowls from your yard, yesterday, en route to Mobile. Can you duplicate them? If so, at what price? I had understood that a Mr. – kept choice fowls. I visited his place, but saw none there that seemed worth the taking away. If you can send me such a trio as I saw at Adams & Co.'s, let me know it immediately, and your price for them. How shall I remit you?

Mr. Burnham:

I enclose you one hundred dollars, by check on Shoe and Leather Dealers' Bank, Boston (No. 417), to your order, for the fine fowls you describe in yours received this day. They should be good ones, as I have no doubt they are. Forward, at once,

G.B. Burnham, Boston.

Sir: When I paid you $25 (twenty-five dolls.) for a pair of Cochin-China chickens, according to your own terms, I did not suppose you would dare to send to me (whom you must know to be a judge of all kinds of poultry) a pair of Shanghaes , instead of those I ordered! 4 4 Here was a "lawyer," who knew the difference between a Cochin-China and a Shanghae! I want none but pure -bred fowls in my collection, nor will I have them there, either. I have now a plenty of the Shanghaes, and I ordered a pair of Cochin-Chinas of you. Now, I want to know what you will do in this matter. Will you send me a pair of Cochins , or not? That is all I want to know at present.

From

P.S. I am a lawyer by profession; and I submit to no imposition of this sort, you may be sure.

G.P. Burnham.

My Dear Sir:

The magnificent "Cochin-China" birds you forwarded me last are the admiration of every one who beholds them; and I am greatly your debtor for this superb lot of fowls. My neighbor, Hon. Mr. M – , desires me to request you to forward him four as nearly like mine as possible, and your draft on me, at sight, for the cost, will be duly honored. He can afford (and is willing) to pay liberally for them. 5 5 This was the kind of gentleman I loved to fall in with. Charge him accordingly; but be careful that you do not send him finer samples than mine are, – which, by the way, I do not think possible. I enclose you draft for $120, on Merchants' Bank, Boston, for your bill. And am

Sir – I hav alwas heerd yu was a scamp, and now I know yu are. 6 6 Some persons would consider this personal! Them egs yu sent me was smasht all up, an they was runnin' down the sides of the box. What am I to do with them, sir – do yu think? Do yu spose I've gut money so plenty as to throw it way in this manner? Yu didn't put in harf meal anuf, and the hole of them was spilte, besides being roten I hav no manner of dout. Now if yu send me back the six dolls. that the postmaster see me put into my fust letter to yu, all's well an good. And ef yu don't, see if I don't publis yu and yure caracter tu the hole wurld yu infermus cheet yu. Yu'd aughter be ashamed tu send a man egs that wa, anny how. So no more at present tell I heer from yu.

Friend Burnham:

I have heard creditable accounts of thy poultry (of the Cochin-China variety), and I am induced from common rumor to believe thee a man who dealeth justly and honorably. I desire to procure a few of these choice fowls, if not too expensive; and will thank thee to inform me what thy price is for such, at ages varying from four to eight months old. Thy early reply will oblige thy friend and well-wisher,

G.P. Burnham, Esq. – Dear Sir: Send me ten trios more of the Cochin-China chickens, immediately . If you can put them down to $35 the trio, now, it will leave me a better margin. All the others are sold, at $60 the trio. Enclosed is draft on Bank of Commerce, Boston, for $400.

Sir —

I want tu get sum coshin chiney aggs, them as will hatch out chickns with fethers onto the leggs an no mistaik. if you got them kind yu can cend me wun dusen an i will cen yu bak the munny wen the chickns is hached with fethers onto there leggs not otherwise. If yu dont like tu cend them on this turms yu can keepe 'em yureself. I bort too duzsen eg in bostun an their wasn't none of em had no fethers on the leg, i mene the chick'ns, wen tha was hached. an I dont expek i shall be fuled no mor by no such humbugg by a good dele. i pade my munny for genwine aigs and I donte see no reesun wy peeple isn't onnest. How could i tell wether their was chickns in the egs or not? of course i cou'dn't. and i doant consider sech bissiness no bettern than cheetin rite out. i bort em twict this wa, an i sharnt be fuled agin arter waitin as I did both times over three weeks. ef yu will plese to sen me the pure aigs abuv menciond and wate tell tha hach fether leggs chickns, well an good, ive no dout yu air a onnest man, cos all the noospapers pufs yu. But sum of the hen traiders aint no better than thaid oughter be – that's my pinion. 7 7 I would liked to have seen the dealer that could "fule" this customer more than "twict."

Mr. P.B. Burnum; Sur,

If you hav enny of them big Cokin Shiney fowl, that eat off tops of flour barils, I want sum. I gut a big nufoulan dogg that ways hard onto 140 pouns, and I want tu cell him, an git sum of them Cokin Shinys. This dogg is a gud dogg and dont eat much. I feed him on fish and hoggs hasslits and it dont cost much to keep him. He bitt a pedler's arm most off yisterday, but he woudnt be much trubble to you, if you kep him chaind all the time sose he couldnt bite nobody. If you will rite me what you ask for yure fowls, I will inform you what I ask for my dog. I dont want none nless thay can eat off tops of flour barrils, of course. Them's the kind for me. 8 8 I informed this purchaser that I could send him a pair which, if they "couldn't eat off the tops" of his flour-barrels, I'd warrant would eat up the contents of one as quickly as he could desire! Anser by return mail.