Various - Bentley's Miscellany, Volume II

Miss S. – He comes not – half-past four! Ah, fickle Connor!
Is this thy plighted faith, and thrice-pledged honour?
Was it for this, I waived a grocer's hand,
And twice refused a counter in the Strand,
Sent back an offer from a Tenth Hussar,
And without warning left Soho bazaar,
Rejected Griskin, that rich man of mutton;
Shy'd Lincoln Stanhope, and cut Manners Sutton?

Oh, come, Juliana, lay aside your anger and surprise;
One trifling kiss you'll scarcely miss, you know.
I saw a ready pardon seal'd already in your eyes,
Else, 'pon my soul! I scarce had ventur'd so.

True, sir; but you, sir,
Should recollect what's due, sir,
To one so young and innocent

A trifling kiss you'll scarcely miss, you know.
I saw a ready pardon seal'd already in your eyes,
Else, 'pon my soul! I had not ventur'd so.

Miss S. – Lost – lost for ever!
Mr. C. Pray, madam, what's the matter?
Miss S. – Heard ye no broadsword on the pavement clatter?
Mr. C. – A broadsword! Zounds! My teeth begin to chatter!
Miss S. – Where shall I hide him? – ( Opens the chamber door. ) – In, sir, or you 're dead.
Mr. C. – Can nothing save me?
Miss S. Creep beneath the bed.

Maid. – A chap's below who says he's Samuel Snags.
Mags. – I'm a done man; for that 'ere cove will blow me.
Miss S. – Follow me in, and I will safely stow ye.

Snags. – Divine Miss Smashaway, I humbly kneel
To plead a passion you can never feel;
A smile will save, a frown as surely kill,
One who for you has robb'd his master's till.
Miss S. – Well, after that the man deserves some pity. —
Knocking again! and here comes my maid Kitty.

Maid. – One Mr. Poppleton.
Miss S. Was ever one so courted?
Snags. – All's up with me; for life I'll be transported!
Ma'am, could you save a lover?
Miss S. Let me see.
Oh, yes; the bed will surely cover three.

Maid ( to Pop. ) Sir, you're dead as mutton;
The Captain's come. Your life's not worth a button.
Pop. – Where shall I hide?
Miss S. ( to the Maid. ) Put him with t'other three;
They're the same firm, "Clipclose and company."

Miss S. ( flies into his arms. ) – My own loved Guardsman, and my fancy beau.
Oh, Terence Connor! ( Kissing him. )
Capt. ( embracing her. ) – Sweet Juliana, O!
Miss S. – Why did you dally, dearest; tell me all?
Were you on guard?
Capt. Yes, sweetest, at Whitehall.
Miss S. – Ah, you false man, – ( taps his cheek playfully, ) – I'll watch you close.

Capt. What's that?
Miss S. – Nothing, dear Terence, but the landlord's cat.

Capt. – A cough! – another! Do cats cough so, my fair?
Ha! her cheeks redden! Tell me who is there?
That guilty look! Zounds! If my fears be true,
He'll curse the hour he dared to visit you!

Capt. – A man! – my eyes! another! – and another!
A fourth one still!
Snags. I'm dead with fright!
Pop. I smother!

Mags. Oh, Lord! I'm dead already!
Capt. – Prepare for death!
Snags and Pop. Indeed, sir, we an't ready.
Mr. C. – Probably, sir, affection for my wife
Might plead my pardon, and reprieve my life.

Mrs. C. – Why, what's all this? What do my eyes discover?
An errant husband, and a truant lover!
( Aside to Mr. C. ) – Was it for this I gave my faith to you?
( Aside to Capt. C. ) – Was it for this I drove you out to Kew,
Paid cab and lunch, brown stout, and ruin blue?

Pieman. – That 'ere flash madam hit me in the withers.
All-hot (pointing to Mr. Clipclose). – And that cove knock'd my kitchen-range to shivers!
Mr. C. ( to Policeman. ) – Let me explain, sir.
Miss S. Pray, sir, let me speak.
Policeman. – Silence! and keep your gammon for the beak.

Is it the gas-pipe?
Capt. C. No, dash my wig! a ghost!

Roundelay — Ghost and Company.
("Good morrow to you, Madam Joan.")