Radclyffe - Wild Shores

A chill doused the fire kindling in Austin’s belly. “What can’t you forgive?”

Gem was quiet for so long Austin knew she’d overstepped.

“I’m sorry.” Austin held up a hand. “That’s really personal, and being locked up in a car with me for a day doesn’t make us close enough for me to ask—”

“ I kissed you , remember?”

“Oh yeah, I remember.” The heat surged back, a hunger in Austin’s depths that refused to be silenced. “I remember kissing you back too. And if it makes any difference, I’ve been thinking a lot about doing it again.”

“So have I. So I think that gives you the right to ask. I don’t have to answer, after all.”

“You’re right, you don’t. Your secrets are yours.”

“I was married,” Gem said abruptly.

“You must have been young.” Austin wasn’t as surprised to learn that Gem had been married as she was to learn she wasn’t any longer. She couldn’t imagine anyone letting Gem go.

“Nineteen. He was my high school boyfriend—more than that really. Our families were close. We’d known each other all our lives. He was my best friend growing up, and it just always seemed a given that’s what we would do.”

“Sometimes when we’re young we don’t question what we want or why we think we want things,” Austin said. “And it sounds like the two of you had something.”

“I loved him,” Gem said musingly. “A certain kind of love, at least, and I wanted that to be enough. Even when there were times I thought maybe it wasn’t.”

When Gem hesitated, Austin retrieved the wine bottle and poured another inch into Gem’s glass, giving her a chance to decide to keep talking or not.

“Thanks.” Gem picked up her glass. “We’d been married about three years, I guess, when I couldn’t keep pretending everything was all right. I was applying to graduate school and Paul to law school. Of course we were trying to find a way to stay in the same location if possible.”

“That’s a lot of pressure on any relationship.”

“That’s what I thought too, when things started feeling…off. We weren’t communicating, and the sex…well, the sex—” Gem shrugged. “Let’s say it went from not great to not much at all. At first I minded, because I missed the connection, but not enough to push the issue.”

“You didn’t have any experience with women?”

Gem sighed. “I didn’t have any experience with anyone except Paul. For a long time I thought it was me, not doing something right or not reading the signals correctly—but he kept saying everything was fine—and finally I stopped asking.”

“Until…” Austin said gently.

“Right. Until he suggested we needed to explore the boundaries of our relationship. That it would be good for us, individually and as a couple.”

Austin gritted her teeth. If she had Gem, she’d never want anyone else to touch her. She forcibly relaxed and kept her voice level. “He wanted to open up the relationship?”

“Yes. Or rather, sort of,” Gem said bitterly. “He had someone specific in mind. Someone we both knew. One of my best friends, as a matter of fact.”

“That couldn’t have been easy.”

“No, it was surprisingly easy. Christie, that was…is…her name, had always thought Paul was terrific. The perfect guy, she used to say. She was always looking for someone just like Paul.”

“Did you have feelings for her, besides friendship?”

Gem drained her wineglass and, when Austin reached for the bottle, covered the top with her hand. She couldn’t quite believe she was admitting all of this. She’d never even told Kim the whole story, and God, they were involved. But Kim had never asked, and she’d never been shaken out of her comfort zone enough to want to revisit any of it. Austin shook her up, all right. One simple kiss had her reeling, more than three years of dating Kim had ever done. “No, I’m good. Really. I can talk about this sober.”

“I don’t think one full glass is going to impair you.”

“I know.” Gem smiled. “I am kind of a lightweight, though. I’m good.”

“Okay.” Austin set the bottle aside.

“So, Christie.” Gem met Austin’s gaze, read acceptance there. Thankfully not pity or disappointment. “My feelings for Christie were pretty complicated. As I said, she was one of my friends, probably my best friend from freshman year on. She was beautiful, smart, funny, and loyal. I never admitted any kind of attraction to myself, but whenever I wanted to talk or needed to feel understood, she was the one I called. Not Paul.”

“Paul must have known she’d be a safe choice, especially if you had reservations.”

“Oh, I’m sure that was part of it.” Gem grimaced. Paul had been far more perceptive than she’d been when it came to her feelings for Christie. Just another one of her many blind spots. “Whatever else he thought, he was right about that.”

“So the three of you…”

“The three of us. Yes. After I told Christie what Paul had suggested, I thought we’d laugh it off. But she didn’t laugh. She said she liked the idea, that she’d always wanted to be closer to both of us.” Gem rubbed the bridge of her nose, closed her eyes for a second. Why could she still remember the glow in Christie’s eyes when she’d said that, long after the excitement she’d felt then had turned to acid? “I remember her saying she could get into the idea, and the strangest feeling came over me. Excitement, different than anything I’d ever known. She said she wanted to be closer to both of us, but what I heard was she wanted to be closer to me . And for the first time, I realized that I wanted to be closer to her too.”

“And you blame yourself for misreading things?”

“I blame myself for trusting Christie and for letting Paul’s needs dictate mine.” Gem swallowed the bitterness clawing at her throat. She would not let the past ambush her again. “I don’t think twenty-four hours passed before the three of us were…well, I don’t think I have to spell that out. I knew the second I kissed her why everything had always seemed just a little bit off with Paul. It wasn’t him, it was me after all.”

“Gem,” Austin said gently, “most of us are raised to think we’re heterosexual. Sometimes it takes a while to sort out expectation from desire.”

“I know. That’s not what bothered me. What bothered me was that I’d gotten myself into that situation because I’d been totally wrong about the man I married. He wanted Christie, not an open relationship with me. Oh, I should probably mention they’re married now.”

Austin winced. “Sorry.”

“I’m not.” Divorcing Paul was one of the only things about the whole mess she didn’t regret. “I certainly don’t want to be married to him and didn’t, from about the next morning on. I left him a few days later, after the second or third time we’d all been together. I might’ve been naïve and ignored all the signals up until that time, but I couldn’t ignore what was happening between them. And I couldn’t ignore the way I felt physically about being with Christie.”

Gem sat back while the waitress deposited their dinners. She drew a deep breath and discovered she felt amazingly good. Pissed-off still, but the anger only fueled her resolve to never take anything or anyone at face value again. She’d learned an important lesson that had kept her life uncomplicated and her heart securely locked away.

“And since then you’ve been on that even keel you mentioned?” Austin said.

“Let’s just say since then I’ve made it a point not to act on impetuous impulses. Until today.”

“That’s a pretty good record. What, six or seven years?”