Danielle Steel - Full circle

“You know, if it weren't for you, Tan, I wouldn't be here at all.” He had told that to Averil ten thousand times at least in the past year, and he believed it with all his heart.

“That's not true, Harry, you know that. You did it yourself.”

But he grabbed her arm. “I couldn't have made it without you. Give yourself credit for that, Tan. The hospital, law school, all of it … I wouldn't even know Ave, if it weren't for you…”

She was smiling gently at him and she was touched. “What about the baby, is that my doing too?”

“Oh, you jerk.…” He tugged at the long blond hair and went back to his future wife, sound asleep in the bed where their baby had been conceived. His “creativity” had paid off, and Tana smiled to herself wistfully that night as she fell asleep. She was happy for him, for them both. But she suddenly felt so alone. She had lived with him for two years, with Averil for half of that, it would be strange living alone without them, and they would have their own life … it all seemed so strange … why did everyone want to get married … Harry … her mother … Ann … what was the magic about that? All Tana had wanted was to get through law school, and when she had finally had an affair with someone, he had turned out to be some wild nut, and had wound up in jail for the rest of his life … it was mystifying as she fell asleep … she didn't have any of the answers, not then or when she moved out.

She moved into a pleasant little flat in Pacific Heights, with a view of the Bay, and it took her fifteen minutes to get to City Hall in the secondhand car she bought. She was trying to save everything she could to go to Harry and Avail's wedding, but Harry insisted on giving her the ticket as a gift. She went just before she started her new job, and she could only stay in Sydney with them for four days. Averil looked like a little doll in a white organza dress, and nothing showed yet at all. Her parents had no idea that there was a baby on the way, and Tana even forgot about it. She forgot everything when she saw Harrison Winslow walk towards her again.

“Hello, Tan.” He kissed her gently on the cheek and she thought she would melt. And he was as he had always been, charming, and debonair, sophisticated in every possible way, but the romance that had been stopped so long ago was not destined to be revived again. They talked for hours, and went for a long walk late one night. He found her different and more grown up, but in his mind, she would always be Harry's friend, and he knew that no matter what, in Harry's mind, Tana would always belong to him, and he still respected that.

He took her to the airport when she left. Harry and Averil had already left on their honeymoon, and he kissed her as he had so long ago, and every ounce of her soul reached out to him. There were tears rolling down her cheeks as she boarded the plane, and the stewardesses left her alone, wondering who the handsome man had been. They wondered if she was his girlfriend or his wife, and they watched her curiously. She was a tall, pretty blonde, in a simple beige linen suit, with an assurance about the way she moved, a proud way she held her head, and what they didn't know was that inside she felt frightened and alone. Everything she was going back to was going to be new all over again. New job, new home, and no one to share it with. She suddenly understood why people like Ann Durning and her mother got married. It was safer than being out there on your own, and yet, it was the only way Tana knew by now, as the plane headed for home.

The apartment Tana had rented had a pretty view of the Bay and a little garden in the back. There was a tiny bedroom, a living room, a kitchen with a brick wall and a little French window that looked out into the garden, where she sat sometimes, soaking up the sun. Unconsciously, she had looked for something on the ground floor, so that when Harry came to see her, he wouldn't have a problem with the chair. And she felt comfortable living there. She was surprised at how quickly she adapted to living alone. Harry and Averil came to see her frequently at first, they missed her, too, and Tana was surprised at how rapidly Averil lost her shape. She blew up into a pretty little balloon, and the whole thing seemed foreign to her. Her own life was involved in such a different world. The world of prosecution, of the D.A., of murders and robberies and rapes. It was all she thought of all day, and the idea of having babies seemed light-years away, although her mother had reported that Ann Durning was pregnant again, not that Tana gave a damn. All of that was too far behind her now. Hearing about the Durnings had no effect at all, even her mother knew that, she had all but given up. And it was the final blow when she heard that Harry had married that other girl. Poor Tana, all those years taking care of him, and he'd gone off with someone else.

“What a rotten thing to do.” Tana had been stunned by her words at first and then she had begun to laugh. It seemed too funny to her. Her mother really never had believed that they were just friends.

“Of course it's not. They're perfect for each other.”

“But don't you mind?” What was wrong with all of them? How did they think these days? And she was twenty-five years old, when was she ever going to settle down?

“Of course I don't mind. I told you years ago, Mom, Harry and I are just friends. The best of friends. And I'm thrilled for them.” She waited a respectable interval to tell her about the child, when she called again.

“And what about you, Tan? When are you going to think about settling down?”

Tana sighed. What a thought. “Don't you ever give up, Mom?”

“Have you, at your age?” What a depressing thought.

“Of course not. I haven't even started to think about that.” She was just out of her affair with Yael McBee, who was the last person one would have thought of settling down with, and she didn't even have time to think of romance at her new job. She was too busy learning to be an assistant D.A. It was almost six months into the job before she even had time for her first date. A senior investigator asked her out, and she went because he was an interesting guy, but she had no real interest in him. She went out with two or three lawyers after that, but her mind was always on her work, and in February she had her first important case, covered by national press. She felt as though all eyes were on her, and she was anxious to do well. It was a fiercely ugly rape and murder. The rape of a fifteen-year-old girl, who had been lured into an abandoned house by her mother's lover. She had been raped nine or ten times, according to the testimony, badly disfigured, and eventually killed, and Tana wanted to get the gas chamber for him. It was a case that struck a chord near her heart, although no one knew that, and she worked her ass off, preparing the case, and reviewing the testimony and the evidence every night. The defendant was an attractive man of about thirty-five, well educated, decently dressed, and the defense was trying to pull every trick in the book. She was up until two o'clock every night. It was almost like trying to pass the bar again.

“How's it going, Tan?” Harry called her late one night. She glanced at the clock, surprised that he was still up. It was almost three.

“Okay. Something wrong? Averil all right?”

“She sure is.” She could almost see him beam. “We just had a baby boy, Tan. Eight pounds one ounce, and she's the bravest girl in the whole world … I was there, and oh Tan, it was so beautiful … his little head just popped out, and there he was, looking at me. They handed him to me first…” He was breathless and excited and he sounded as though he were laughing and crying at the same time. “Ave just went to sleep so I thought I'd give you a call. Were you up?”