Danielle Steel - Heartbeat

“I haven't seen him in five months, and I was married to him for two and a half years. Is it so odd that I would say something to him?”

“Given the way he's treated you, yes, it is, don't you think? Or were you going to thank him for all the nice things he's done for you lately?” The truth was, Bill was jealous, and he hated himself for making a fuss over it. But he had hated the look in her eyes, the anguish on her face, as she reached out to him. And he hated Steven for hurting her. He wanted him out of her life forever.

“Don't pick on me.” She started to cry, and she looked ghostly pale in the car as she rubbed her stomach. Even the baby was upset. It was kicking violently, and all she wanted to do was go home and lie down and forget him, but she knew she couldn't. “He didn't even look at me.”

“Adrian,” Bill said through clenched teeth, “the guy is a total shit. How long is it going to take you to accept that? A year? Five? Ten? You keep waiting for him to come back and throw roses at you and the baby. And I keep telling you, he's not going to. Did you get the message tonight? He wouldn't even speak to you, he got up and walked out. This is not a man who gives a damn about you or your baby.” And Bill suspected that he never had, although he didn't say that.

“How can he do that? How can he not feel anything for his own child? He's repressing it, but sooner or later he'll have to face it.”

“The only one who'll have to face anything is you. He's gone, baby. Forget him.” She didn't answer, and they drove the rest of the way home in silence, but when they got home, they started arguing again, and Adrian went to bed in tears in the guest room, and the next morning she was subdued as they met over breakfast in the kitchen. He didn't say a word to her. He let her make her own breakfast for once, and then finally looked at her over the sports page.

“What exactly is it you're expecting from him? Why don't you clarify it for me, just so I understand once and for all what it is you want from him.” And what he was up against from the competition.

“From Steven?” He nodded. “I don't know. I just expect him to deal with the fact that we're having a baby. He doesn't even know what he's rejecting. I can accept the fact that he's divorcing me, because he thinks I betrayed him. But I can't accept the fact that he's turning his back on his own child. One day he'll regret it.”

“Of course he will. But that's the price he'll have to pay. And maybe he'll never come to his senses. And how can you say you betrayed him? Did you fool him? Did you get pregnant on purpose?”

“Absolutely not.” She looked insulted. And it was a question he had never asked her but always wondered. He wondered if that was why she felt so guilty. “I knew how strongly he felt about it and I was always careful.”

“I thought so.” He almost smiled, he loved her so much, and he hated their arguments, but at least there weren't many, and they were only on one subject. Steven. “But it doesn't hurt to ask. Go on. What do you want from him?” He really wanted to know, for his own sake, and for hers. They needed to face it.

“I just want him to acknowledge the baby. To admit that it's his, to deal with that fact. I think he's run away from it since the beginning. I want him to see it and say okay, I understand, it's mine but I really don't want it … or yes, it is, I was wrong, I love my baby. But I don't want him to run away from me forever, because I keep thinking he'll come back at some point, and be sorry, and want us back, and then he'll screw up my life, and the baby's, and yours and his own, and whatever I do, I'll always feel guilty. I need to feel free of him, completely, before I can really go on with my life, and in order to feel that, I need him to address the issue squarely or at least talk to me, and explain why he feels the way he does. He hasn't even had the decency to talk to me since he left the apartment.” It was the first time she had stated it so clearly and it finally made sense. She couldn't really believe he was gone for good and she wanted direct confirmation from him that he understood what he was giving up and that he really meant it. It made sense, but Bill didn't think she was going to get it. Steven wasn't that kind of person, and he had already shown her that, for five months and the night before. He was going to run away, divorce her through attorneys, and give up the baby without ever seeing it. That was the way he was, and she just had to face it.

“I don't think you're going to get anything more out of him than you've gotten. He just can't deal with it directly.”

“How do you know that?”

“Look at him last night. Is that a guy with guts who's going to confront you? He practically ran out the door, ten feet ahead of his girlfriend.”

“Is that what she was?” She looked intrigued and he looked annoyed.

“How the hell do I know?”

“She looked very young,” she said thoughtfully, and he groaned.

“So do you, because you are. So stop that, and what difference does it make anyway? The point is that you have to let go of him, Adrian. That's the real issue.”

“But what if he comes back later?” It was something that worried her a lot. She was sure he would come back into her life after she had the baby.

“You deal with it when it happens.”

“But the baby has a right …”

“I know, I know.” He slammed a fist on the kitchen table and she jumped. “The baby has a right to its natural father, right? I've heard it before. But what if his or her 'natural father' is an asshole? Then what? Wouldn't it be simpler to just let it go now?”

“What if Leslie had told you she wanted to leave you when she was drunk? Wouldn't you feel an obligation to see how she felt when she was sober?”

“Maybe. Why?”

“Because I think Steven has been drunk on fear since the days I told him I was pregnant. And as soon as he calms down, stops panicking, and sobers up, he's going to feel different.”

“Maybe not. Maybe he really does hate kids. Maybe you should listen to him. Maybe he means it.”

“I just want to know from him that he knows what he's doing.”

“Maybe he doesn't. Are you going to hold your life up forever?” More to the point, was she going to hold theirs up? But he also knew it wasn't easy just forgetting a man with whom she was having a baby, and to whom she had been married for two and a half years before she got pregnant.

“You think I'm stupid to give a damn, don't you?”

“No.” He sighed and sat back in his chair at the kitchen table. “I just think you're wasting your time. Just forget him.”

“I feel like I'm stealing something from him,” she explained, and caught his attention. “I'm taking his baby away from him, and giving it to you, because you want it. But what if he comes back and says, hey, that's mine, give it back to me …what then?” It was a good point, but Bill still didn't think he'd ever change his mind about her or the baby. He was a fool not to, but Bill sincerely believed that he wouldn't.

“You'll just have to wait and see. We're not going anywhere. We're not moving to Africa with the baby.” No, but they were getting more and more involved with each other, and he knew it. He already felt as though the child were his, and in some ways, he knew that Adrian was trying to protect him from getting hurt and Steven from making a mistake that he would regret forever. “You can't be responsible for everyone. Let each of us make our own decisions, and if they're lousy decisions, that still isn't your problem.” And then he beckoned to her, as he put aside his paper. “I love you … I want the baby …and if he comes back and changes his mind, we'll just have to face it. What's the worst that could happen anyway? He gets visiting rights? That's not so awful. We could live with that,” and then, as he looked at her, he felt a whisper of terror. “Or would you go back to him yourself?” he asked her, and held his breath as he waited for the answer. She shook her head, but there was the slightest hint of hesitation.