Danielle Steel - Irresistible Forces

“Don't you like your book?” She had noticed him staring into space, and smiled at him. He had an odd expression as he looked out at the horizon. As though he had suddenly seen someone or something he hadn't expected to find there.

“No … no … I mean, yes … it's fine. … I was just thinking about something else.”

“Is something wrong?” She wondered suddenly if she had done something to offend him, but he only shook his head, got up, and walked down the beach by himself. She was worried about him, and followed him slowly a few minutes later. She didn't want to intrude on him, but she had an odd sense that he was troubled. “Are you okay?” she asked as she caught up with him. She was reluctant to bother him, but he had looked so upset for a moment that it concerned her. And this time he hesitated before he answered. His head had been down as he walked down the sandy beach, with his feet in the water. He looked up at her then, and nodded.

“I'm okay, Merrie.” But he wasn't convincing.

“What's up?”

“Oh, I don't know … life, I guess. Do you ever just stop and question yourself, and wonder if you've had your head up your ass for the past ten years, and didn't know where you were going?” She was surprised that he looked so unhappy. It was like a dark cloud that had suddenly passed in front of the bright sun, and everything was instantly in shadow, which seemed unlike him.

“What brought that on you? You seemed fine a minute ago.”

“I was. I am. I just wonder about my life sometimes. I get so focused on some things, I forget others.”

“We all do that,” she said gently, as they neared the end of the beach, and sat down on the sand together, with the surf lapping near their feet, the ocean ahead, and the hotel behind them. There was no one around them. “You haven't lost track of the important things, Cal. You have great kids, a good life, an important business. You haven't been wasting your time.”

“What makes you so sure of that? And how do any of us know what's really important? How do I know my kids won't hate me ten years from now for something I did, or didn't do, or failed to see or understand? I think I'm right so much of the time, and once in a while, I wonder if I'm headed in the right direction. Sometimes I think I've got it all ass backwards. In fifty years who is really going to give a damn about Dow Tech, and everything I think is so goddamn important? Maybe all that really matters are the people you care about,” he hesitated and then finished his thought, which was what had upset him in the first place. “Or the lack of them. I've been so busy being pissed off at Charlotte for the last eight years, that there's never been room enough in my life for anyone else. All I had room for was my anger. All I cared about was how much she'd hurt me.” It was the first time he had ever said that to her, or anyone, in just that way. “You know, for a long time I thought I hated her. Now I feel like I wasted all that time on feelings that got me nowhere. And now what?”

“What do you mean, ‘now what’?” She was startled by what he was saying to her. They were serious thoughts to have while lying on a beach in Kona, getting a tan.

“Now what? I'm fifty-one years old. I've been pissed off at someone who's been gone for the last eight years. I've got three great kids who'll be grown up any minute. And my whole life is my business.”

“It sounds like you're eating nails to me, Callan Dow.” She was always honest and outspoken with him. “You're feeling sorry for yourself. You're fifty-one, not ninety. You've got a lot of time to do things differently, if you want to. No one says you have to stay alone for the rest of your life, if that's what's bothering you, and you don't have to stay pissed at Charlotte.”

“I don't think I am anymore actually. Maybe that's the problem. Other than what I feel for my kids, hating her has been the main emotion in my life for nearly ten years. Without that, what have I got? Maybe not enough, Merrie.”

“Maybe it's time to look in a new direction,” she said simply. She had a way of cutting through complicated emotions and situations and getting right to the core of the issue. It was one of the things he liked about her in business. But there were a lot of things he liked about her. Too many. In some ways.

“What are you suggesting? Where am I supposed to look? To my kids to be my whole life until they leave and get their own lives? To some unimportant woman I don't care about who I can take to dinner half a dozen times before I figure out that she bores me, or someone else who is excited about what I have instead of who I am? Merrie, there's not much out there.”

“That's bullshit,” she said, stretching her long legs across the sand toward the water, and letting her toes play in the wet sand as he watched her. “Not everyone is boring, and not everyone is after your money.”

“Don't bet on it. What about you?” he asked, looking unhappy. ‘‘ What are you going to do if it falls apart with Steve? Have you ever thought about that?”

“I try not to.” But the truth was, she had lately. Living on separate coasts had put a tremendous strain on them, and at times now, she was frightened. She felt as though they were being pulled apart by fate, destiny, and a force greater than they were. She had never felt that before, and it was a terrifying feeling. “I don't know what I'd do,” she said honestly. “Steve has been my life for so long, I'd be lost without him. He's good for me, and I love him. My life would be a huge dark hole without him.” And she felt that way now, as though she would fall into an abyss of misery and terror if she lost him. She hated to even think about it. But she knew that if things didn't get better, and one of them didn't make a move soon, it could happen. She was just beginning to face that. After nearly four months of living apart, they seemed to be heading in different directions, and they had to do something about it soon.

“What would you do if you two got divorced?” She hated even hearing the question, much less thinking about it.

“Kill myself,” she said too quickly to mean it, and then pondered the question. “I don't know. Pick up the pieces and start over, I guess. But it would take me a long time to do it. Just as it's taken you a long time, Cal. That's not surprising. You had a lot invested in that marriage, three kids, seven years, you obviously believed in her and trusted her, and she betrayed you. I think it must take a long time to recover from something like that, if you ever do completely.”

“It has taken me a long time,” he admitted quietly, lying on the warm sand next to her, and admiring the way she looked as she lay there. She was completely unaware of her effect on him, for which he was grateful. It was simpler that way. He wasn't about to make the same mistake he had at Christmas. “Maybe too long,” he said. “I'm beginning to feel like I've wasted the last eight years. I just wanted to show everyone how hard and cynical I was, so they wouldn't know I was hurting. But I was. Too much, for too long,” but he looked better as he said it.

“And now?” she pressed him. But he didn't mind. He was always open with her.

“I just want to move on and have a life again. Suddenly I miss everything I haven't had for all these years, and I'm sitting here wondering where the hell I've been and what I've been thinking.”

“And you want it now,” she laughed at him. As he was about everything, he was impatient and wanted instant results and immediate solutions.

“Of course,” he beamed at her, feeling better than he had in years. He loved talking to her. Not only was she a brilliant addition to his business, but she was the best friend he'd ever had. He had been standing under a lucky star the day he found her. “Okay, so find me the perfect woman.” He treated her like the friend she was, since he had no other options with her. For all their theoretical talk about what would happen if things didn't work out with Steve, he knew she was still very much in love with him, and deeply devoted to their marriage. The only man she wanted was Steve, and Cal as her best friend.