Danielle Steel: Journey

“Don't worry about me. I'll be fine,” she promised. She felt surprisingly well, aside from a few aches and pains, and she had already decided to move into Lizzie's apartment with her. She was arriving in a week, and they were going to spend Christmas together. And she didn't mind sharing a bedroom with Lizzie, at least for the time being.

“You can stay with me if you like,” he said hopefully, and she smiled at him as he kissed her. He had been extraordinary to her since the disaster at the mall, and long before that.

“Thank you for the offer, but I'm not sure you're ready for a roommate.”

“That wasn't exactly what I had in mind,” he said, blushing a little. She loved his gentleness and the kindness he constantly showed her. They had a lot to look forward to now, and to discover about each other. But she didn't want to rush it either. She needed to recover from a lifetime of abuse, nine years of Jack, and Bill was still wending his way through the grief process over Margaret. But there was certainly room in their lives now for each other. What she wasn't sure of was where Andy fit in, and yet she knew she wanted to make a place for him, even if only for an occasional visit, to honor a promise made to his mother. Maddy was not going to forget that.

And she said as much that night to Lizzie on the phone when they talked. Lizzie had been so panicked about the explosion at the mall, that she was calling her mother several times daily.

“Why don't you adopt him?” she said with a nineteen-year-old's simplicity, and Maddy told her that was ridiculous. She didn't have a husband now, might have lost her job, she didn't even have her own apartment. But after she hung up, the idea rolled around in her head like a marble in a shoebox. And at three o'clock in the morning, still awake, Maddy wandered into the nursery, sat in a rocking chair, and held him. He was sleeping peacefully in her arms when a nurse came in and told her she should be in bed. But she couldn't. She felt as though a force greater than she was pushing her toward him, and she could no longer resist it.

She was waiting nervously in the hall when the social worker came for him in the morning, and Maddy asked if she could speak to her for a minute. She explained the situation to her, and the woman looked interested but startled.

“I'm sure it was a very emotional moment for you, Mrs. Hunter. Your lives were all in danger. No one would expect you to honor a promise like that. That's a major decision.”

“I know it is,” Maddy explained. “It isn't just that…. I don't know what it is … I think I've fallen in love with him,” she said about the blue-eyed baby Annie had asked her to take care of.

“The fact that you'd be single isn't a handicap. Although it could be a burden for you,” the social worker said to her. Maddy hadn't mentioned that she might be out of a job, but she had enough money put away in her own name to be secure for quite some time. She had been cautious with what she'd made over the years, and had a healthy nest egg for her and Lizzie, and even a baby. “Are you telling me you want to adopt him?”

“I think so,” Maddy said, feeling a wave of love wash over her for him. It felt like the right thing to do, for her, if no one else. She had no idea how Bill felt. But she couldn't give up her dreams for him now either. She had to do what was right for her. And if it worked out for both of them, it would be a blessing for everyone, not just her and the baby. But she at least wanted to ask him how he felt about it. “How long do I have to decide?”

“A while. We're placing him in a temporary foster home. They're a family who have helped us out before, but they're not interested in adoption. They do this out of the goodness of their hearts, for religious reasons. But a baby like this will be in high demand. He's healthy white, eight weeks old. He's what everyone wants to adopt. And there aren't many like him these days.”

“Let me think about it. Would I have any kind of priority?”

“As long as there's no family to object, and we're researching that now, he could be yours very quickly, Mrs. Hunter.” Maddy nodded, and a few minutes later, the social worker left her room, after giving Maddy her card. And when Maddy went back to the nursery later on, she felt her heart ache, knowing he wouldn't be there. She was still down about it when Bill came to see her a little later. He had bought her a pair of gray slacks, a blue sweater, a pair of loafers and some underwear, and a new coat, and some toiletries and makeup and a nightgown.

She complimented him on how well he'd done, and everything fit perfectly. She was leaving the hospital the next day, and had agreed to stay with him, until she could set up Lizzie's apartment. She thought she could do it in a week. She wanted to pick up her things at Jack's, and she had to get back to work. She had a lot to do, and she sat talking to Bill about all of it, and then brought up the baby. She told him she was thinking of adopting him, and he looked startled when she said it.

“You are? Are you sure that's what you want to do, Maddy?”

“Not entirely. That's why I'm talking about it to you. I'm not sure if it's the craziest idea I've ever had, or the best thing I've ever done … or what I was meant to do. I just don't know,” she said, looking troubled.

“The best thing you've ever done was leave Jack Hunter,” he said firmly. “This could be the next best thing, after Lizzie.” He smiled at her. “I must say, you threw me a curve on that one, Maddy” It underlined to him how much older than she he was. He had loved his children when they were young, and he loved his grandchildren now, but taking on a baby at his age was more than he had bargained for, although he was crazy about her daughter. “I'm not sure what to say.” He was being honest about it.

“Neither am I. I'm not sure if I'm asking you or telling you, or if either is relevant. We don't have any idea yet where things are going with us, or if it will work out, no matter how much we love each other.” She was being honest about that, and he admired her for it. And what she said was true. He was in love with her, but whether or not it would prove to be a relationship for life, or one that even worked short-term, neither of them could judge yet. This was just the beginning for them. They hadn't even been to bed yet, although the prospect of it was certainly appealing. But a baby was a major commitment. They had no argument about that. “All my life,” she struggled to explain to him, “people have been telling me what to do in that area, as well as every other. My parents made me give Lizzie up. Bobby Joe made me have abortions early on, and then I had them because I didn't want his kids. Jack forbade me to have kids, so I had my tubes tied. And then he forbade me to see Lizzie. And now this baby comes along, and I want to be sure that I do what I need to do, what's right for me, not just for you. Because if I give him up, in order to have you, maybe I'll always feel that I gave up something I shouldn't have. On the other hand, I don't want to lose you over a baby who isn't mine anyway. Do you see what I mean?” she asked, looking confused, and he smiled and sat down next to her on the bed, and put an arm around her and pulled her close to him.

“Yes, I see what you mean. Although it sounds a little complicated when you say it. But I don't want to take something away from you that's right for you either. You'd wind up hating me for it, or feeling cheated someday. Particularly since you've never had a baby since Lizzie, and you're not able to, and you missed nineteen years of her life. I've had all that. I don't have a right to deprive you of it.” It was what Jack should have said to her seven years before when he married her, but hadn't. But they hadn't been honest with each other, and this was extraordinarily different. Bill had absolutely nothing in common with Jack Hunter. And the woman she was now bore no relation to the woman she had been when she married Jack. It was a whole new world.