Danielle Steel - Journey

“Who were you talking to? Your boyfriend?”

“I don't have a boyfriend, Jack, and you know it,” she said meekly.

“Who was it then?”

“A friend.”

“You don't have friends. No one likes you. Was it that little black faggot you love so much?” Maddy winced at what Jack was saying, but she didn't answer. “You'd damn well better not tell anyone about this. I don't want you wrecking my show. You say a word about this to anyone, and I'll kill you. Do you understand me?”

“I understand you,” she said with her eyes filled with tears. He had said so many hurtful things in the past hour, she didn't know which had hurt most. They all did.

She waited for him to leave the room, and then dialed the hotel where Lizzie was staying. She knew she'd be there till the morning.

They rang her room, and a second later, Lizzie answered. She'd been lying on her bed, thinking about Maddy. She'd watched her on the news that night and couldn't stop smiling.

“Maddy … I mean Mom … I mean …”

“Mom is fine.” Maddy smiled at the now familiar voice, and realized that Lizzie sounded just like her. “I just called to tell you I love you.”

“I love you too, Mom. God, that sounds good, doesn't it?”

There were tears running down Maddy s cheeks as she answered. “It sure does, sweetheart. I'll call you in Memphis. Have a safe trip back.” She didn't want anything to happen to her now that they had found each other, and when she put the phone down again, she was smiling. No matter what Jack said to her, or did to her because of it, he couldn't take that away from her now. After all these years, and so many losses, she was a mother.

Chapter 13

B ILL AND M ADDY MET AT the Bombay Club for lunch, and she was wearing a white linen Chanel pantsuit when she walked in, with her sunglasses on her head and a straw handbag over her shoulder. She looked like an ad for the joys of summer, and he looked happy to see her. He looked handsome and tan, and his white hair was in sharp contrast to his blue eyes and suntanned face, as he stood up and watched Maddy walk toward him. She looked a lot happier than she had the last time he saw her and he was pleased to see it.

He ordered white wine for both of them, and they chatted for a few minutes before looking at the menu. Several well-known politicians were there, and a Supreme Court judge Bill knew from their days at Harvard.

“You seem pretty chipper today,” he smiled at her, “are things a little quieter on the home front?”

“I wouldn't say that, but Dr. Flowers has been a big help, and something wonderful happened to me.”

Every time he met her, for one reason or another, he was afraid she was going to tell him she was pregnant. He didn't know why it bothered him so much, but now that he knew more about Jack, he particularly didn't want her to get trapped in that marriage. And a baby would certainly do that.

“You said something about it yesterday. Am I allowed to ask, or is it top secret?”

She laughed at the way he said it. “I think your security clearance is adequate for this, Ambassador. Besides, I trust you, but yes, it is a secret.”

“You're not having a baby, Maddy, are you?” He said it in an undervoice, looking worried, and she smiled like the Mona Lisa, as he felt a tremor of worry run through him.

“It's funny you should say that.” Her answer instantly convinced him. “What made you ask that?”

“I don't know. Just a feeling. The last time I saw you at the commission you nearly fainted. And it was just something you said yesterday that concerned me. I'm not sure that would be good news for you at this point. It would certainly lock you into your marriage with an abusive husband. Is that it then?” He looked disappointed but resigned as he asked her, and was surprised when she shook her head.

“No, I'm not pregnant. As a matter of fact, I'm unable to have children.” It was funny talking about things like that with him, but she felt incredibly comfortable with him. As she had with Greg when they met, but for different reasons, she felt completely at ease with Bill. And now that he knew about her situation with Jack, she trusted him implicitly with her secrets, and she knew instinctively that he wouldn't betray her.

“I'm sorry to hear that, Maddy,” he said at her admission to him, “I know that must be a great sorrow to you.”

“It is, or it was at least. But I don't have a right to complain. It happened by choice. I had my tubes tied, at Jack's request, when we got married. He didn't want more children.” Bill wanted to say that it was selfish of him, but he refrained from comment. “But something amazing happened yesterday,” she beamed at him over her glass of wine and it was hard for him to ignore how beautiful she was. She was like a ray of sunshine to him. For months he had been depressed over his wife's death, and he was still struggling with it. But every time he saw Maddy, he felt happy, and he cherished their friendship. He was flattered by the trust she put in him, and her openness in talking about things he suspected she talked to no one else about. And he wasn't mistaken.

“I can't stand the suspense,” he said as he waited. “What happened?”

“Well, I don't know if I should start at the beginning or the end.” She seemed to hesitate, and he laughed in anticipation. He could tell that it was something that had pleased her greatly.

“Start at the middle if you want, but just tell me!”

“All right, all right … maybe at the beginning. I'll try to do this quickly. When I was fifteen, I was already involved with Bobby Joe, whom I eventually married after graduation. He dumped me a couple of times, and one night I went to a party with another boy,” she hesitated then and frowned. Jack was right. Any way she told it, she sounded like a whore, and it was easy to figure out what Bill would think of her. She didn't want to make excuses to him, but as she looked at him, she was worried.

“What is it?”

“You're not going to think much of me when I tell you.” And it mattered to her. More than she had realized when she began her story, and she wondered if she should never have started.

“Let me be the judge of that. I think our friendship will survive it,” he said calmly.

“Your respect for me may not.” But she was willing to take the chance. She thought a lot of him and was willing to expose herself to him, in order to share this with him. “Anyway, I went out with someone else. And I shouldn't have, but I slept with him. He was very smooth, and handsome, and a nice kid. I wasn't in love with him, but I was lonely and confused, and flattered by his attention.”

“You don't have to defend it, Maddy,” he said softly, “it's okay. People do that. I'm a big boy, I can take it.” She smiled gratefully at him. It was a far cry from being called a slut and a whore, and poor white trash, by her husband.

“Thank you. That was confession number one. Confession number two is that I got pregnant. I was fifteen, and my father almost killed me for it. I didn't even figure it out till I was four months pregnant. I was young and pretty stupid, and it was too late to do anything about it. I was poor. I probably would have had to have it anyway, even if I'd figured it out sooner.”

“You had the baby?” He sounded startled, but not judgmental. There was a distinct difference, and she was acutely aware of it as she nodded.

“I had the baby. Although until yesterday, almost nobody knew that. I went to another town for five months, and I went to school there, and I had it. A little girl,” in spite of herself, tears filled her eyes as she said it. “I only saw her once, and they gave me a picture of her when I left the hospital. That's all I ever had of her, and eventually I even threw that away because I was afraid Jack would find it. I never told him. I put her up for adoption, and I went home, as though nothing had happened. Bobby Joe knew, but he didn't care, and we started going out again.”