Danielle Steel - Journey

“Sometimes I do. But it's too late now. I had the tubes cut as well as tied, to be sure. They can't reverse it.” Maddy's voice sounded sad.

“You could adopt, if your husband is willing. Would he be?”

“I don't know,” Maddy said in a choked voice. Their problems were so much more complicated than that. She had only explained it briefly to Dr. Flowers on the phone.

“About adopting a baby?” Dr. Flowers looked surprised by what Maddy had just told her. She didn't expect that.

“No, about my husband. And what you said the other day. It came on the heels of a conversation I'd just had with a co-worker. I … he thought … I think …” Tears rolled down her cheeks as she finally said it. “My husband is abusive to me. He doesn't beat me like my first husband did. He has never laid a hand on me, not literally. He shook me recently and he's … sexually … pretty rough on me sometimes, but I don't think he does it on purpose, he's just very passionate….” And then she stopped, and looked Dr. Flowers in the eye. She had to tell her. “I used to think he was rough, but he isn't … he's cruel, and abusive, and he hurts me. Intentionally, I think. He controls me. Constantly. He makes all my decisions for me. He calls me poor white trash, reminds me that I'm uneducated, and tells me that if he fired me, I'd go right down the tubes and no one would ever hire me. He never lets me forget that he saved me. He doesn't let me have friends, he isolates me. He makes me feel like dirt. He lies to me, and belittles me, and makes me feel rotten about myself. He humiliates me, and lately he frightens me. He's getting rougher in bed, and he threatens me. I never let myself look at it before, but he does just about everything you talked about the other day.” The tears continued to roll down her cheeks as she said it.

“And you let him,” Eugenia Flowers said quietly. “Because you think he's right and you deserve it. You think the ugly secret you carry around with you is that you're every bit as bad as he says, and if you don't do exactly what he says, everyone will know it.” Maddy nodded as she listened. It was a relief to hear the words, because it was exactly what she did think. “And now that you're aware of it, Maddy, what are you going to do about it? Do you want to stay with him?” It was an honest question, and she wasn't afraid to tell the truth, no matter how crazy it sounded.

“Sometimes. I love him. And I think he loves me. I keep thinking that if he understood what he's doing to me, he wouldn't do it. Maybe if I loved him more, or could help him understand how hurtful it is, he would stop doing it. I don't think he really wants to hurt me.”

“That's possible. But unlikely,” she said, looking right at Maddy. But she wasn't passing judgment on her. She was opening doors and windows for her. What she wanted to give her more than anything was perspective. “What if he wanted to hurt you, if you knew it was intentional? Would you still want to stay with him?”

“I don't know … maybe. I'm scared to leave him. What if he's right? What if I can't find a job, and no one ever wants me?” Dr. Flowers silently marveled that this exquisite creature could think that no one would ever love or employ her. But no one ever had loved her, not her first husband or her parents, or even Jack Hunter. Of that, Dr. Flowers was certain. Not through any fault of Maddy's. But she had chosen men who had wanted nothing more than to hurt her.

But she had yet to see it, and Dr. Flowers knew that. “I thought it was all so simple. I thought when I left Bobby Joe that I'd never let myself be abused again. I swore that no one would ever hit me. And Jack doesn't. Not with his hands at least.”

“But it's not that simple, is it? There are other forms of abuse that are even more destructive, like the kind of abuse he practices on you, where he hits at your soul and your self-esteem. If you let him, Maddy, he'll destroy you. That's what he wants to do, what you've let him do for seven years. And you can continue letting him do that, if you want to. You don't have to leave him. No one is going to make you.”

“The only two friends I have are telling me that I have to go, or he will destroy me.”

“He might. He almost certainly will, one way or another. He doesn't even have to do it himself. Eventually, you'll do it for him.” It was a terrifying prospect. “Or you'll just wither away inside. What your friends are saying to you isn't inconceivable. Do you love him enough to risk that?”

“I don't think so … I don't want to … but I'm scared to leave him, and …” she gulped on a sob as she said it, “I'd miss him. We've had such a good life. I love being with him.”

“How does he make you feel when you're with him?”

“Important. Well … no … that's not true. He makes me feel stupid, and lucky to be with him.”

“Are you stupid?”

“No,” Maddy laughed, “only about the men I fall in love with.”

“Is there anyone else at the moment?”

“No, not really … well, not in a romantic sense. Bill Alexander is a good friend…. I told him all about it the day you came to the commission.”

“And what does he think?”

“That I should pack my bags as soon as I can and get out before Jack does something terrible to me.”

“He already has, Maddy. And what about Bill? Are you in love with him?”

“I don't think so. We're just good friends.”

“Does your husband know that?” Dr. Flowers looked concerned.

“No … he doesn't.” Maddy looked frightened as she answered. And the doctor looked at her for a long moment.

“You have a long road to go, Maddy, until you reach safety. And even when you get there, you'll want to go back sometimes. You'll miss him, and the way he makes you feel, not the bad times, but the good ones. Abusive men are very clever, there's a tremendous potency to that particular kind of poison. It makes women want more, because the good times are so sweet. But the bad times are pretty awful. It's a little bit like giving up drugs, or smoking, or any other kind of addiction. Abuse, as terrible as it is, is addictive.”

“I believe that. I'm so used to him, I can't imagine living without him. And then there are other times when I just want to run away and go somewhere where he can't touch me.”

“What you need to do, and I know it sounds hard, is get so strong that he can't touch you wherever you are, because you won't let him. It has to come from you, because no one else can really protect you. Friends can hide you from him, and keep him away, and if you want it badly enough, you'll sneak off and go back to him, for the drug he gives you. But it's a dangerous one, as dangerous, or perhaps even more, than any other. Do you think you're strong enough to give it up?”

Maddy nodded thoughtfully. This was what she wanted. She knew that. All she needed now was courage. “If you help me.” There were tears in Maddy s eyes.

“I'll do that. It may take us some time, be patient with yourself. And when you're ready, you'll leave him. You'll know when, when you've had enough and are strong enough to do it. And in the meantime, you have to do everything you can to keep yourself safe, and not risk letting him abuse you more than he has already. He'll sense this, you know. Abusers are like jungle animals, they have highly honed perceptions and defenses. What we have to do is sharpen yours now. But if he senses his prey getting away from him, he'll try to pen you in, by making you feel frightened, and crazy and hopeless. He'll convince you that there's no way out, that you'd be nothing without him. And a part of you will want to believe him. But the rest of you knows better. Cling to that as much as you can. That's what's going to save you, the part that doesn't want to be abused anymore, or taken advantage of, or damaged or belittled. Listen to that voice, and try not to listen to the other.” Not for an instant had she doubted that Jack was abusive. From everything she'd heard that day, she was certain of it, and she could see in Maddy's eyes how badly she'd been wounded by it. But she wasn't beyond repair, or salvation, she had a lot going for her, and Dr. Flowers knew she'd find the way out sooner or later, when she was ready, and not before. She had to find the way out herself, or it would have no meaning for her.