Danielle Steel - The Kiss

“Have you eaten?” For Gordon, the question was a sign of unusual solicitousness, and she was touched by the attention. These were the crumbs of affection she had been satisfied with in the past.

“I had eggs and some soup,” she said politely, and he nodded.

“Get some rest. Don't stay up with Teddy tonight. He has a nurse for that.” She would have liked to be with Teddy, but knew she didn't feel up to it yet.

“He's already asleep,” she told Gordon. She had just checked on him, and gone back to her own bed, before Gordon walked in to talk to her.

“You'd be wise to do the same,” he said, once again not approaching her bed. He rarely touched her, never hugged her, hadn't kissed her in years, and kept a noticeable distance from her when they were in the same room. The only time he was ever affectionate with her was when they were out in public. Years before, she had been fooled by it, thinking he was warming up to her, and then when they got home, he would be cold to her as soon as they closed their bedroom door. Being close to anyone was the hardest thing in the world for Gordon, which was in sharp contrast to Isabelle, who was warm, affectionate, and loving. It was also light-years from what she had just experienced with Bill, who constantly wanted to hold and touch her. “See you tomorrow,” Gordon said, hesitating slightly. For an instant, she thought he might walk fully into the room, and approach her, but without saying anything more, he turned on his heel and left. It was not the marriage she had ever dreamed of having, but there was no point thinking about it now, it was the only one she had. All she had to do now was readjust to it, after her months with Bill. It was no small feat.

A few minutes after Gordon left, she picked up the phone and dialed London. And when the switchboard answered, she asked to speak to Bill. He sounded depressed when he answered, and as soon as he heard her voice at the other end, he beamed.

“I was lying here thinking about you,” he said easily, and his tone was in sharp contrast to the greeting she'd had from Gordon. “How are the children?”

“Wonderful,” she smiled just hearing him. He sounded like a husband on a trip checking how her day was. “They were so happy to see me. Poor Sophie looks exhausted.”

“How's Teddy?”

“Very thin. He's getting fevers again. But he seemed a bit better tonight. I'm going to spend the day with him tomorrow.”

“Don't overdo it. You're not up to full speed yourself yet.”

“I know, sweetheart. How was your day?” It had been awful, as far as he was concerned, but he didn't say that to her. He'd been lonely all day after she left, but he knew he had to get used to it. All they had now were phone calls. Just like the old days. But after nearly two months of living together, the phone calls seemed like so little to both of them. They both longed for the warmth and closeness they had shared.

“It was all right,” he lied. “I missed you. They're trying to get me ready to leave next week. I feel like I'm going to boot camp.” He was going to the rehab center with the most rigorous program, because he thought they might get the best results. His future depended on it, and theirs. And in spite of what they had told him in London about his legs, he was hopeful. He still felt sure that in the States they might tell him something different. He had more faith in them.

They talked for a while about her homecoming, and the kids, and he had had a call from Jane that afternoon, which had cheered him up a little. And it was only at the end of the call that he asked her about Gordon.

“How was he?”

“He was Gordon. He came home late from the office, and he's out tonight. It doesn't matter.” She had left her heart with Bill in London, except for the part of her that belonged to her children. But there was nothing left for her husband. It was too late, and too much had happened over the years. Even if she never saw Bill again, she knew that it was too late for her and Gordon. All they had now was the shell of an empty marriage, the appearance of it, and not the substance.

“Does he seem angry at you?” Bill had been worried about it. He had seemed so angry to Bill during those first days in London.

“No, he doesn't. But he'd never show it. If he is, it'll come out sometime when I don't expect it. That's how he works. He saves things. The payback always comes later.” But she didn't have any sense of it. He seemed detached from her, but he had been for years. There was nothing different about it. It was all very much the same.

“I just don't want him taking it out on you because you were with me during the accident. I know he was very upset about it. With good reason.” And even better reason now, but he didn't know that.

“Did you talk to Cynthia?” she asked, trying to sound casual. She had noticed in London that his wife never called him. He had had several conversations with his lawyer in the hospital in London and had filed the divorce papers without telling Isabelle. “Jane said she's in Southampton. I'll see her when I'm in the hospital in New York.”

“I should hope so.” Isabelle was shocked at her lack of attention.

He promised to call Isabelle the next day then. She said she'd be home all day. It was easy for them now with only an hour's time difference between Paris and London. It would be harder when he was in New York, but Isabelle knew they'd manage just as they had for years. Bill told her he loved her when he hung up, and as she lay in her bed that night, in the house that was supposed to be her home, she felt as though she were in a strange place. She felt as though her home was with Bill in London.

She didn't hear Gordon come in that night, but she was sleeping soundly in her own room. And she ran into him in the hall the next day, when she was on her way to see Teddy. She had slept later than usual, and it was nearly nine o'clock when she got up. She was wearing a dressing gown, her face was washed and her hair combed when she saw Gordon, rushing toward the stairs with his briefcase. He didn't talk to her, but he waved as he ran down the stairs. He was talking on his cell phone, and a moment later she heard him drive out of the courtyard.

She and Teddy had a good day. She read to him a lot, lay on the bed next to him, and it reminded her a little of her time with Bill in the hospital in London. They read and talked and played games, and after lunch, he had a long nap, and after that the doctor came to see him. He found the boy vastly improved now that his mother was home, but as Isabelle walked the doctor out, he turned to her with an odd expression.

“You know he's deteriorating, don't you, Isabelle?” She had been afraid of that, but she thought it was only temporary. Now that she was home, she was going to put her full efforts into getting him back to the place where he'd been two months before, when she left for London. And she was sure she could do it. Sophie had taken good care of him while she was gone, but she didn't know all the tricks Isabelle did.

“He looks pale, and he's lost weight, but he seemed better this morning,” she said, looking hopeful.

“He's happier. But he's getting weaker. You have to face that. His heart function is getting worse, and his lungs were bad all summer.”

“What are you saying to me, Doctor?” She looked worried.

“That his body is struggling to keep up with him. As he gets bigger, his heart and lungs face an ever-greater challenge.”

“And a transplant?” she asked again.

“He would never survive it.” And without it, she knew his days were numbered. It was a lot to face so soon after she got home, and she was still frail herself. The doctor reminded her not to overdo it. “I'd like to see him gain some weight,” the doctor said, “and you too, Isabelle.” He was concerned about her. Her body had sustained a terrible shock, and she looked it.