Danielle Steel - The Ranch

“Any pain as far as you know?”

“She didn't say.” But she had looked truly miserable. That had to come from something.

“Vomiting? Diarrhea?”

“I think so.” Tanya felt inordinately stupid, and a moment later, he went in to see Zoe. He closed the door, and they were inside for a long time, and eventually he emerged. It had been an interesting meeting for him. He knew who she was the moment she said her name. He had read everything she'd written. And for him it was even more of an honor to meet her than Tanya.

He had told Zoe he thought she'd feel better in a few days. But she had been honest with him and shared her secret. He suggested she take it extremely easy, stay in bed, drink clear fluids, do everything possible not to get dehydrated, and try to recoup her strength. He was sure she'd be feeling better by Monday. But he felt very strongly that she needed a second week of rest, and he didn't want her going home on Sunday. She looked crestfallen at that, she didn't even know if Sam was free to cover for her for a second week. And she had said darkly that she'd have to call him. She wanted to see her little girl, and go back to work, and she was worried that this was a sign of things to come, but Dr. Kroner told her he hoped it wasn't. She was bound to have isolated incidents like this, but if she was careful to handle them properly, they didn't have to signal a complete collapse of her defenses.

“You know,” he said pleasantly, “you know a lot more about all this than I do. I read you in order to help my patients. You've made a real difference to the people I work with. The funny thing is I've always wanted to write you.”

“Well, now you won't have to,” she said kindly, but she still looked awful. He had offered her an IV of fluids, but she didn't want to upset Mary Stuart and Tanya, and she thought she could accomplish the same thing by drinking.

“If you can't keep it down though, I'm coming back to give you an IV.”

“All right, Doctor.” He had also suggested that the altitude might have aggravated her situation. She thought that was hopeful. Each time she got sick, she was terrified it would mean a marked degeneration, but so far, she'd been lucky, and she always got better quickly.

Tanya and Mary Stuart were waiting just outside her door when the doctor emerged, and they were deeply concerned by the long visit.

“How is she?”

“She'll be all right,” he said calmly. She had warned him that her friends knew nothing of her problem, and she did not intend to tell them. He disagreed with her, but it was her decision obviously, she was the patient, as well as the expert.

“What took so long?” Tanya had been genuinely panicked. It was nine-thirty when he came out. Hartley had come by an hour before, and Mary Stuart had told him they weren't riding that morning. Tanya asked him to tell Gordon. Hartley said he'd ride out with him alone, and if Zoe was better by that afternoon, Mary Stuart and Tanya could join him.

“I'm afraid that was my fault,” the young doctor said apologetically, explaining his long visit with Zoe. “I'm a big fan of Dr. Phillips's. I've read every article she's ever written.” It was refreshing to have someone be a fan of someone else for a change, and Tanya smiled at him in amusement. “I'm afraid I was picking her brain and telling her about some of my patients.” He was really the only practitioner well versed in AIDS in the area, and he had had a million questions.

“I wish you'd come out and told us she was all right,” Tanya said snappily, “we were really worried.”

“I'm sorry,” he said kindly, and then told them he'd be back tomorrow. “Make her stay in bed and drink lots of fluids,” he reiterated as he left, but Tanya found when they went in that they didn't need to argue with her. She was already working on a large bottle of mineral water, but she still looked awful.

“How goes it?” Mary Stuart asked her, and she shrugged.

“Not great. He says I'll feel better tomorrow. I've picked up some awful bug here.”

“I'm sorry.” Tanya felt responsible, and Mary Stuart was instantly maternal, tucking her in, bringing her dry crackers, and a can of ginger ale in case that appealed to her more than water, and a banana to replace the potassium she'd lost with the diarrhea.

“You guys are so wonderful to me,” Zoe said with tears in her eyes. She was feeling emotional and she wanted to see her baby, “I really have to get back,” she said, and burst into tears, and she was furious with herself when she did. She hadn't meant to. “He thinks I should stay here another week,” she said as though it were a death sentence instead of an extended vacation. But she was also coping with everything else he'd said to her about her condition, and they'd had a serious discussion about AZT and her T cells. And somehow, discussing it with him brought the situation home to her again with a vengeance. Unfortunately Zoe knew more about all of it than he did. And she knew what the prognosis was too. She dealt with it daily, and as her two friends looked at her in dismay, she found that she couldn't stop crying. But their being nice to her had made the whole realization harder than ever. She was still adjusting to the realities of her future.

“Zoe, is there anything else bothering you?” Mary Stuart sat down on her bed, looking worried. It wasn't like Zoe to be so high-strung, and it scared her.

“I'm all right,” she said, blowing her nose again, and taking a sip of water. But it was all so hard. She was going to die eventually, and she had nowhere to leave her daughter. She had thought of both of them in the past few days, but Tanya had never had kids, and Mary Stuart seemed to feel she was past them. They were all still young enough to have another child naturally, so it wasn't entirely out of the question, but she was afraid to ask them. And it meant telling them that she had AIDS, and despite what the doctor had just said about opening up to her friends and reaching out to them for support, she really didn't want to. But what he had told her was exactly the kind of thing she said to her patients. “I've just been working too hard,” she explained.

“Well, then,” Tanya said, trying to sound calmer than she felt. She was deeply concerned about Zoe. “Maybe this is an important lesson. Maybe when you go back you need to slow down a little bit, even take in a partner.” Zoe had thought of it too, and the only one she'd have been interested in was Sam, but she didn't think he'd want to. He had never had any interest before in sharing a practice, only in doing locum tenens.

“Don't lecture me,” she said irritably to Tanya, and surprised both of them. “You work even harder than I do.”

“No, I don't. And singing isn't nearly as stressful as taking care of dying patients.” But as she said it, Zoe started to cry again, and she felt completely foolish. She was utterly miserable and sorry she had ever come to Wyoming. She didn't want them to see her this way, it was really upsetting. “Come on, Zoe, please,” Tanya begged her. “You just feel rotten, so everything seems worse. Why don't you just stay in bed and sleep today. I'll stick around if you want, and by tonight I'll bct you'll feel better.”

“No, I won't,” she said stubbornly, suddenly angry at her fate, and what it meant for her future.

“I'll stay home,” Mary Stuart said firmly. They were fighting to take care of her, and Zoe smiled through her tears as she listened.

“I want you both to go out and play. I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I'll be okay… honest.” She was starting to calm down, and Tanya looked relieved, as they watched her. “Besides, you both have boyfriends.” She teased them and blew her nose again. In crazy ways, their lives were so much more normal, and hers wasn't.